Eternal Perspective!

Eternal perspective

How many times have we asked God to show us “His will.” I know that prayer somehow made its way into every conversation God and I ever had…. “God, show me your will for my life.” Then I would look around in search of the “will” that I expected Him to show me. I’ve learned something important…when you ask God for something, be open to Him revealing something completely different as your answer.  Over the past few days, I’ve had a lot of time to think and pray about this. How did my prayer start… “God, reveal your will for my life”… haha oh, and did he ever. At that exact moment, it was like I heard a whisper say, “are you sure you want to know?” My reaction being, “of course I do!” In waiting for the epiphany of a lifetime, I found this while reading my Bible:

“With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.” Ephesians 1:8b-10

Ok. God. That is nice. But you didn’t show me what my future jobs is going to be. You didn’t reveal my first encounter with my future husband. Where is the part where I am the multi-tasker of the year that finally has everything together…oh, right…not there. God, why can’t I see what is going to happen next? That whisper came back to say two words… “Eternal perspective.” At that moment, it all made sense. God’s “will” for each of our lives had already been revealed. It wasn’t hidden away in the depths of the earth or lying in the “deeper meaning” of something recorded in the Bible. Paul straight up reveals God’s will for us, but somehow we over look it in hopes that we may find what comes next in this temporary world we call home.

“To bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.” This is where we are headed.  This is our ultimate destination. The path that God has chosen for each of us to walk may vary, but His will for each of our lives is the SAME… For every tribe and tongue to be in unity with one another in both the heavenly and earthly realms under our Lord, Jesus Christ. That. Is. All. I think about how many times I have read this and spent hours on my knees in hope that God would reveal something deeper. Oh, how it is in my earthly being to try to complicate something that is already so beautiful. His will for us is to be joined with Him for eternity, to walk the streets of heaven complete and whole, to dance and sing holding the scarred hands of the Savior, and to praise the Holy name of the Living God. That is God’s will.

I’m not disregarding the wants and needs of today, but in light of the things we think we may need, our focus should stay on the provider of all things. When thinking about what is to come and the Heaven that awaits us, my petty wants seem that much more petty. After this realization, my prayer is that I will see through the lenses of God with the eternal perspective. How can I channel my desires into a reflection of God’s will for our lives? This is difficult, especially since we live in a world where the only thing that matters is the “here and now.” The transition between “here and now” and eternity begins with the realization that our lives are a part of something bigger than the world we can see. God’s will for my life has been realized, now the challenge I face is the daily battle of dying to the temporary and patiently and intentionally living for eternity. 

"And If Our God Is For Us"

As a self-proclaimed work in progress, it’s nice to know that there is grace in the collision of my failures and God’s unmatched strength. Over the last few days, my mind has wandered back to numerous events in my life where I failed miserably at following the voice of my Savior…. If I’m being honest, that’s all too often. I have been haunted by the “what if’s” and “why’s”. If God loves me, why did ______ happen? Blah blah blah. Then I remember, He isn’t finished with me. All I am doing is fighting a fight that He has already conquered. My laundry list of “how to be the person I want to be” may be to the moon and back, but maybe I’m allowed to battle through this time to greater appreciate the victory.

Every morning I wake, I am given two options: live in the fear of yesterday’s demons or live in the faith of God’s promise for my here and now. Why would I live in fear if the war that is raging against me has already been won? Is it because I can’t yet see the victory? Isn’t the image of Jesus’ arms open wide, blood spilling for my sins, dying on a cross enough? I want a faith so strong it doesn’t need a miracle or something tangible to believe that God has already overcome my struggles – with Jesus’ death and resurrection, they are finished! They are over. My battles crumble with the name of Jesus – so why don’t I let them? It’s like Jesus speaks freedom over me, yet I rush back to collect the pieces of the mountain that already crumbled.

“Let. It. Go.” I can see Him yelling this at the top of His lungs. Do I not hear? Or do I choose not to listen? I don’t know if it’s me being stubborn as much as it is the fact that I’ve always carried something that weighed me down. Whoa, revelation. It’s true though, my heart is screaming for me to give it all to Jesus, but my hands are still holding the pieces of the already broken chains. They are off of me, so why do I still hold them?  

I sat through a gathering this past Sunday and listened to my life of worry and anxiety overflow in the words of Louie. Worry, anxiety, stress, depression are just a few of the chains that I have battled to let go throughout my whole life. I feel like they just wait for a crack in my foundational hope in God and at the perfect moment, try to enter into my heart. I haven’t surrendered it all to Him. Right as these thoughts graced my mind, I pictured God sitting on His throne. I was standing a few feet away with a box in my hands. I took all the things that tore me out of His love like: fear, doubt, not trusting in His perfect plan and placed them in the box. I start to walk closer, head bowed, arms stretched out and hand Him my box. He looks at it; hold it in His hands for a minute. Then He looks me in the eye and says, “It’s about time!” True life. I started laughing out loud in church – Oh, God has a sense of humor. I guess He has to when the box that I handed Him was weighed down with 25 years of snowballed anxiety. It’s a mystery how they even fit in the box. I guess that’s what happens when we approach the throne – the things that consume our world are just that much smaller in comparison to God’s glory. Everyday is a new box. But my box is a daily representation of trust and thanksgiving. I trust His plan. I can pass the box over to My God. I can let it go. Letting my worry go doesn’t mean we will never think about it again, but it allows us to not be haunted by the lies that we can’t change. I am thankful for the amazing blessings God has given me and I can live with the peace that guards my heart from the lies that it is not enough. 

He Is Jealous For Me!

September 13, 2012

Hello God,

I don’t know what you are doing, but I like it a lot.

Yes, that was the prayer I just prayed before writing this. So many times I’ve heard people say, “Oh, God is wrecking my world” but never took the time to understand why they would find joy in something being ruined. As my narrow minded point of view would only point out the negative, little did I see that when a life is ruined by God it is only an opportunity to rebuild it for His glory. So…  I must admit, God is WRECKING my world…. With a capital WRECKING! I have never been so satisfied, and I have no clue what is next. I am walking blindly on this journey, only to be holding the hand of the one who sees it all with perfect vision. I am safe in the arms of Jesus and there is nowhere else I’d rather be that right where I am in this moment.  The great part about life is that we get to walk hand in hand with the one who has overcome any and every obstacle that I am facing right now in this second or things I will face in the future. My heart is ready and my hands are holding firm in the grip of His mercy and love.

The past week or so has been instrumental in my growth toward Jesus. Being able to share life with some amazing people and encourage each other in our growth and dependence on Jesus has left me wanting so much more of my Savior. I cannot get enough and yet I am fully satisfied… say what? If I could explain it, I would but I have no words.

I’ve always known that God was a jealous God. It did not hit me until tonight as to how this fact has played out in my own life. God stripped me of everything I thought I needed. A great job, living on my own, independence, money… .and more money. And not until 10 minutes ago did I realize why…I was giving each of these things priorities over Him. I was still holding on to the things I thought I needed and not giving Him full control over it all, so the obvious thing to do was to take it away so all that I could see what His face. His face is so beautiful when there are no distractions to take your vision out of focus. He knew I needed a fresh start and by golly that is what I got/am living in right now. It is so freeing to not know what is next, but to be completely in tune with His heartbeat for my life. I may not know where the next step is or how to get out of my present circumstances, but I get to walk through life on this path with Jesus… What joy and peace is found in knowing His love.

So, thank you, God for taking it all away so all I see is you. May my heart beat for you and my lips praise your Holy name. You alone are worthy.

“My whole life is yours, I give it all, surrender to your name. And forever I will say…have your way!” - Hillsong

I'll Start Monday...

Day 460

I’ll start Monday…

How many times have I said this in my lifetime… approximately every single Friday night…or Tuesday morning…or when I want sweets… so every day that is not Monday! Why do I do this? To me, it seems like I am just buying myself time to be bad in anticipation of starting to be good the following days. Even last week, I found myself saying this and realized there is something a lot deeper that Satan is trying to do in my head when I put off these necessary changes in the right direction. To me, its an excuse. To Satan, it is a nasty lie that is going deeper and deeper into my head saying that, “You’ve gone too far now, you can turn around. You’re not good enough to make these changes so you might as well just stick to your old ways and get over yourself.”

I recently started reading a book called, “Made To Crave,” and in that have soooo realized that my “craving” for food or attention or anything for that matter, is due to the reality that I am made to crave. God made us to want so badly it hurts, but the problem comes when our cravings are directed toward the wrong things… pretty much anything but Him. I know that may seem trivial for some, but for me that was such an eye-opener.  All these battles I’ve faced for years and years have been a misplaced need for Jesus. Say What?!? Now the hard part, is knowing that and changing everything that I’ve ever told myself was acceptable. “I’m not feeling good, I’ll eat some chocolate. I’ve had a bad day, I’ll get some Starbucks. It’s dark outside so I deserve sweets. I woke up today…therefore I deserve _____” … fill in the blank. My head is a downward spiral of excuses and I wonder how I got to where I am. Good one, Satan. It is the little excuses we make that turn into a life of less than the greatness that God intended for us. What. A. Revelation. I wrote a quote from the book down, and have been trying to embed this truth into my brain. The author said, “The more we operate in the truth of who we are and the reality that we were made for more, the closer to God we’ll become!”

BAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! We are made for more. I am made for more than this reoccurring defeat of not being able to successfully keep weight off or insecurities within myself. This truth is that we can’t do it, we will not be successful on our own. But, our hope in successfully defeating these emotional beat-downs that Satan is so quick to issue is the fact that there is an empty tomb, a risen savior, and unending grace for when we fail. It took me till about 2 weeks ago to realize that the power that raised Jesus from the dead is in me…. What is stopping me? The power that brought sight to the blind, the power that walked on water, the power that defeated death… DEFEATED DEATH. THAT power is in me… !!!!!! So with that knowledge and that power, there will be change. Let me tell you, since realizing this Satan has been on beat-down-Kristi overload. I mean I walked outside and it freaking smelt like French fries only to turn around and see a giant sundae on a billboard… COME ON!! Haha In that moment I finally understood something that Louie Giglio said at church last week, “The enemy lie you into the hole but don’t let him doubly lie to you and tell you that you have to continue to walk in it!”  I CAN CONQUER THIS! Not because of power of my ability, but Power from my perfect Savior who is waiting for His power to be made perfect in my weakness. I will gladly boast in Him, cause I know there is no other way I can be victorious amongst the screams to fall back into the pit. So, Satan, get out of my head…I have work to do! Let’s do this, Jesus! 

Can't get no satisfaction...

Struggle. A word that each of us are all too accustomed to. Recently, I have been under the influence of this word in many ways but most awfully in finding complete satisfaction in God. Saying...well typing...this makes me think of just how stupid it sounds. How could I not be satisfied in the One who gave everything He had for me..unworthy, unlovable me? Why do I struggle in finding complete satisfaction in His Word, His love, and His Heart. I had a 5 hour car ride from Woodstock to Hinesville, GA to think about this answer and only one thing came to mind..... This world. Society. Our sinful nature. Satan. Ok, maybe a lot more than one thing, but they can all be rolled together in a great big ball of temptation. I can not discount that Satan is at work in this world and trying to use every power of his to minimize our faith and our hope in Jesus. Finding satisfaction in Jesus is so hard, because it is Satan's goal to refocus our eyes on things we do not have...i'll be the first to admit it. I think my problem is that He is so worthy and I am so...Not...It just doesn't seem possible. But this struggle in finding satisfaction stems from the lies that Satan is dangling in my face - you don't have ___ then you are not good enough. 

In this car ride down to the boonies, I still struggled with the back and forth argument with my heart and my head. My heart wants so badly to live 100% in awe of my Jesus, but my head still sees the worldly things being flashed around seeming so obtainable. The answer FINALLY hit me....it was like God was saying, but i'm here, isn't that enough? Don't you get it? I am here and I came for you, to love you, to know you, so why do you want more? I know this answer may seem trivial ... duh - anyone who goes to church for one sunday would realize this. But how hard is it to live out...FULLY. Wholeheartedly. 100%. This world screams with temptations of love, happiness, and momentary joy. The great part is - Jesus didn't have to scream it out. He lived it out. He died for it. He defeated death so that IT...true love, happiness, and His Joy...can be found through Him and only Him. Living in this world is hard, but the reward comes after this temporary life is lived and we get to experience joy for eternity. That is satisfaction at its finest. 

So...when satisfaction is searched for in this world, it may never truly be found. We will always have this world throwing things out way, but isn't it nice to know that in the mere search for Jesus, we can truly be satisfied...that's all it takes...just searching - to know Him more, to love Him more, to follow Him. We may now know everything, but just a part of Jesus is more than enough. Praise Jesus!

If faith can move the mountains...Let the mountains move!!!

My journal from May 14, 2011 - 

One year. One year from May 14, 2011 - resume dating. No dating, no nothing...at all. Just me and God figuring out this thing that we call life. I realize this is probably going to be the hardest year of my life, but I am His and I am beautiful to Him. I am not a commodity, I am His child and His love. I owe Him all of me and I'm starting with this year. I can finally say I am ready for this transformation. I'm not here to waste anyone's time, especially not the One who has lifted me from the depths of dispair and was waiting for me with open arms to come back. So, here we go...This is officially day #1 - Me and God...Let's Do This!!

Today!! May 14, 2012

One year...aka 52 weeks...aka 365 days...aka 525,948.766 minutes - is OVER!! May 14, 2011 God put it on my heart to undertake a task that I never thought I would see the end of...give up dating for a year. Now, to some people this may not seem like a big deal - but to the people who knew me 366 days ago...this was a HUGE deal. No dating, no NOTHING...one year! Some of my friends laughed in my face when I told them, others were extremely supportive (thank you more than words can say to those who were... seriously would not have made it without your prayers and guidance!)- but even I didn't realize at the time the true meaning behind why I got myself into this awful whole year without dating deal...but God did. My  reasoning was pretty much because nothing else was working - isn't that when we turn to God? When everything is going wrong and we can't seem to figure it out ourselves? Only at that point did I let God step in and unbeknownst to myself - it was a year that would begin with a focus on dating and relationships and change into something so much more powerful, so much more eternal.

Many of you know the story behind this "year thing" but I'll sum it up for those of you who haven't heard. I was back home for a few days in my off season from Aspen, and I was at the lakehouse with some of my friends. I can't remember how we got on the subject but my bffl Brittany started telling me about a new series that Andy Stanley had started called "The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating." (If the title alone doesn't reel you in...we have problems.) She was talking about how great it was and that I should really listen to it. All I needed to hear was the title and I was ready to go! So, I promised I would listen and on my drive from Woodstock to Aspen (yes...26 hours) I decided to plug it in and see what Andy had to say.

Approximately 25 minutes and 15 seconds into part one of this series, I was pulled over on the side of the road balling my eyes out. God has broken me to my core in a matter of seconds. Andy had just finished a story about a girl who moved to Atlanta and wanted to get into the dating scene, so she decided to put God on the back-burner. Not that she didn't believe in God, but He just wasn't going to be a factor in her relationships. A while down the road she was at a gathering and met a guy who was "The whole package." She said he had the looks, the job, the personality and he was a Christian. She went home to tell her mom about this guy and her mother turned to her and said...wait for it...

"A guy like him, isn't looking for a girl like you."

Don't think I need to repeat that one... but I will..."A guy like him...isn't looking for a girl like you."

DANNNNNG! If God can come down and slap sense into someone, He did it to me as soon as those words left Andy's mouth. I was floored, not just by that sentence, but by the fact that that girl was me... I had no direction, I didn't care what God had for me, and I was so content on going it alone proving to everyone and to God that I could do things all by myself. HA! The guilt and shame that covered me screamed that I was never worthy of any of these great things God had planned. I did this to myself...I was this way now and forever and there was no changing the crazy Kritty09 who had prided herself on having the most guys, drinking the most at parties, and spending every last dime for momentary satisfaction.

But God broke through those lies, dispelled the darkness, and placed this truth on my heart - "I have something so much better for you...better than you can ever imagine." So, the next week as the newest part of the series came out, Andy challenged the guys who were listening to take a year off of dating. I automatically threw myself in that category since I thought about dating like all the guys I had known...temporary, get it while you can, and be done with it in the morning. So, I took the challenge. Like guys...I always like a good challenge and this one was the mother of all challenges.

So fast forward to today. I get to look back and be absolutely amazed at Jesus. He didn't have to...but He did. He didn't have to wait for me...but He did. He didn't have to pull me from a pit that I dug and was drowning in...but He did. He didn't have to meet me where I was...in a place of pure darkness and patiently guide me into the light...but He did! HE DID!! And the thought of it brings me to tears, because I get to look back and not be bound by the chains of the past, but free to share His story of redemption through me. Many people have asked what I have learned this past year, and all I can ask is how much time they have. Trying to sum up this monstrous undertaking that God did, can't even be touched by my insanely small vocabulary, but I will try.

1) God is able! God...Is...Able. My problem, before this year, was I tried to replace God in that sentence with Kristi. No, Kristi is not able...Kristi is human and fails! When God stepped into the picture, he brought change with him. Change that I was neither prepared for nor excited about, but it came like a ton of bricks and there was no stopping it! "When divine interruptions happen, lives are transformed"- Christine Caine. How genius is this? Christine said this when she spoke at the Passion Conferences in January and these words have rung in my ear as truth ever since. Sometimes these divine interruptions may seem like an interference - but either way you look at it my life needed a brutal smackdown, attitude adjustment, and focus shifting - who better than God to apply this :)

2) God's plan over Kristi's plan - when weighing my options its humorous to think the latter was even considered, but up to this point a year ago that is all I cared about. What did I want, what did I need, what satisfied me the most at the time. SUCH A JOKE! Kristi's plan = temporary. God's plan = eternal. God offers us an amazing life in Him so that we can be a part of something that is so much greater than ourselves. Who doesn't want that? That is what I was searching for all these years but was too stubborn to care about where to find it. Control is no longer mine, it is His and I don't have to stress about anything...and I'm...FINALLY... completely okay with that!

3) I am nothing...He is everything. I am His. I love the song "Forgiven and Loved" by Jerrod Neihman (sp?) it says: "On calvary I stand, empty pockets, open hands, oh there is no condemnation for me!"What beautiful words to represent the perfect heart of my savior. I am not condemned, I am His, I am Whole, and I am forgiven and loved! I did nothing to get me to this point, but He has done everything. Dang - Jesus is amazing! In my darkest hour, He patiently waited for me and welcomed me back...broken and bruised but to Him I was beautiful. I am His.

4) If faith can move the mountians... LET THE MOUNTAINS MOVE!! I got to wake up to the sight of the Colorado Rockies for almost a year and a half, but even to see one of them actually move wouldn't have been as spectacular as what Jesus has done in my life in this past year. I guess this entry is my thankful heart to Him. All I can give is all of me - He already gave all of Himself to rescue this drowning soul - so it begins...the rest of my life. I don't have the shield of "Oh, I'm not dating for a year" anymore... But I have His strength and His promise that He will guide me through.

This year starts with "The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating" and just ended with a new series from Louie Giglio at Passion City called, "Boy Meets Girl." Ironic? No. Isn't God funny with how he moves us? Just a little send off into the world of dating - just in case you forgot anything - here is a few more weeks of information for you to take with you in your journey! In both of these series' I experienced Jesus' heart for me. He has the best in mind. No, I can't read the end of the book to make sure everything turns out okay, but I do know the writer of my script. If He says it's all going to work out, I will put my full faith in that hope!

So, here we go! Me and Jesus - and I'm SOOO EXCITED to see what He has in store! It is greater than I could ever know and I know whatever it is I am not alone :) Let's Do This!!

God Is Able

GOD IS ABLE!!

“God is Able

He will never fail

He is almighty God

Greater than all we seek

Greater than all we ask

He has done great things

Lifted up, He defeated the grave

Raised to life, our God is able

In His name, we overcome

For the Lord, our God is able

God is with us

God is on our side

He will make a way

Far above all we know

Far above all we hope

He has done great things"

This song by Hillsong has been ringing in my ears for the last few weeks. God is able. I don’t know if before this whole “year thing” I would have ever considered this to be true but now I can see it becoming more and more of a reality in my life. God is able, He can, and He will…only if we believe. Looking back on just this year alone, God is able. He took a confused, searching, insecure girl and turned my life upside down, only to say, “I have so much more for you than you can even imagine.” The whole concept of trust did not come easily for me. It is hard enough, sometimes, to trust people you come in contact with everyday, so having to say I trust this God who loves me, died for me, and rose to defeat death…for me, but oh, I’ve never seen Him, never come into contact with Him, and never heard His voice was somewhat difficult. What’s the saying “hindsight is 20-20?” You see, as I look back and see how far away I was from even caring about God and what He had planned for me, I can do nothing but trust and believe in Him because of how far He has taken me away from the pit I was in for so long. He waited for me. He took me little by little through the pain I had inflicted on myself and washed it away with His love. So, yes, I believe with all my heart that God is Able! 

God can take this waiting period (which everyone knows I’m not exactly fond of waiting) and turn it into a gift. Yep – I said it. Waiting is a gift – Why? Because there are too many things me and God need to work out to become who He wants me to be! So, for that, I am thankful! Waiting for what you might ask… and I can say with humbled certainty that I don’t know, but God does. How do I know… he told me… and you J “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I don’t know about you, but it’s always nice to feel hope in situations that are out of your reach. So again… I will wait. With the hope that God is able to do whatever He has planned, and that plan is greater than I can imagine!! How exciting! God is able. He can. He will. 

Faith!

Faith.

This word has been haunting me in the best way possible over the past few days. I keep wrestling with the question of, “what does it mean to have unwavering faith?” More than anything I’ve ever wanted, I want that. Not because it’s the cool thing to do, cause it’s not. Not because I want to make myself look better to my peers. But I want this unwavering faith because without it, my relationship with God will only be an ounce of water compared to the oceans and rivers that he wants to provide me. I want faith like Abraham – faith enough to bring his son to the altar and sacrifice him, knowing all the while that God is worth it and he will provide. I want faith like Esther – faith to leave everything she knew to live in the palace to not just sit around and be pampered but to change the course of history for her people and save them from death.

How hard does that seem? It doesn’t seem that difficult to put total and complete faith in the One who is standing next to you guiding every step you take to ensure His grace and mercy be poured out into your life. So, why is it so hard? I have been playing this mind game for the last few days – my mind is telling me it is not enough but in my heart I know it is an over-abundance of enough. To have enough faith – as small as a mustard seed to move mountains, faith enough to watch miracles before your eyes, faith to hope for the future and not doubt. I. Want. That. I know it is in me, so what is holding me back. I feel like I have good and bad days – some days I’m so sure of my faith that I feel like I’m on cloud 9 – soaking up all God has for me. Other days, it’s hard for me to see past the tip of my nose without doubting where I am headed. I don’t know what it is – but whatever this hindrance is – I’m gonna need it to leave. This faith I so longingly search for is within my reach, I can feel it. Although it does not happen in an instant, I know this faith is waiting, and I’m ready. Ready to not have an ounce of doubt. Ready to stand knowing I may fall but God is standing tall in my failure. I don’t want me to shine, I want Him to be known and his renown to be shown through my struggles, excitement, pain, and love. To Him be the glory… and nothing more. 

One Week....

One week…

Nowadays, we don’t give time enough credit. Not only that, we don’t give God enough credit in what He can do with the short time that we are given. One day to one person may seem like an eternity to another. I sat in church one short week ago on fire for what God was going to do in my life. And till today, I have been taking a spiritual beating from Satan. Not only do I feel bruised, I feel like I am not worthy. Something I know not to be true, because Jesus speaks to me and says that I am. Now, it probably doesn’t help that I have been left alone with the puppies for the last few days cause my family was in Miami for WrestleMania (random… I know!) But, there is only so much I can take. 

One week ago, Jesus was my only thought and within this short period of time Satan has attacked me spiritually and mentally on every level. I can’t let him. I realize that waiting is hard, and this period in my life just leaves blank pages of uncertainty. I may have allowed Satan to steal time away, but there was one hour that I was not giving to Him and that was the hour I started listening to the “When God” series by Andy Stanley. Thank you to Brittany who told me to listen to it, but honestly, it was perfect! You see, even people who were in the presence of Jesus, knew His teachings, saw His works first hand were tested. They too felt that in their hours of uncertainty that God was no where to be found…or late when they needed Him most. In Matthew Jesus spoke to John The Baptist saying, “Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.” Meaning… these awful waiting periods are on purpose? These times of testing and uncertainty aren’t in vain? Nope. Even John The Baptist… cousin of Jesus began to doubt as he was left to rot in a prison cell. Never doubt how God wants to use that experience in the darkest, loneliest prison cells of our life.  It really all make it worth it knowing that God is never late, and the part that we are playing in the perfectly scheduled story of God will never go unnoticed! So, Satan, I hope you had fun in the few hours that you lied and said I was a good for nothing and that God could never use me or when you made me believe God doesn’t care. You can have those hours, but for the rest of my life…SEE YA! I will not stumble for the one who loves me, the one who saved me, and the one who put me in this place for a reason. BYEEEEEE!

We Raise Our White Flag!

 

“Are you sure you want to mix music and video in the same play list? Most people like to keep them separate.”

This is the screen that popped up when I was trying to put the new 27 Million music video into my music playlist. I do not know if it is not normal to want to put a music video in a music playlist, but it made me think about all the things that I keep separate in my life, and ironically since the video was about the 27 Million slaves around this world. What do we keep separate? Friends, family, God? There could be so many things that we place into their own little bubble and keep there until it is the right time for us to indulge. Keep God for Sundays, friends for every other day, and family for whenever we feel comfortable. I know I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to how I used to keep everything separated in my life. When you are living to satisfy your own personal desires, it is extremely easy to keep things/people/God in their own little pocket and take them out whenever you feel it would most benefit you. That is how I lived approximately 24-25 years of my life, spending the majority of my days deciding who to take out of my back pocket when I need. A very hard realization… my boxes limited what God could do for so long. Well, the saddest part is that I was ok with keeping Him in His own little pocket and when things weren’t going my way I would say a little prayer and close it up again. When I thought about it, why would I want to limit a limitless God? How could I put Him in His little box then get mad when He won’t do things outside of that for me? How selfish. Maybe it was because I knew I could control a situation when I already thought of the possibilities, but giving God the opportunity to do something bigger is scary. We all say we want to do something great with our life, yet live in fear that something crazy will happen.  We give ourselves boundaries, and in turn we are giving God boundaries. Can you imagine what life would look like if we didn’t have to worry about what was coming next?

Problem…everything I want to accomplish in my life and everything God has for me will never be realized if I keep God in His box. Solution – surrender. As we talked about/sang about at Passion 2012 – raising the white flag of surrender. For many of us, that means giving up what we think is best for our lives. In giving up our selfish desires, we realize how faithful God truly is, He has our best in mind…at all times. Though we may not see it, He is faithful, His plan for our lives will unfold in His timing, only if we allow Him to mold us and prepare us for the amazing life ahead! And for some of us, that means getting a little crazy and mixing our video’s in the same play list as our music. Let’s be real, I would probably die watching a video without any music…uhh…boring! Can you even remember a movie you saw without music…probably not…and even if it was playing…you were probably sleeping. But join the two together… in the same play list… and you have a beautiful blend of visual and emotional inspiration. So, I’m not going to separate them. I’m not going to keep one in a separate folder…because that is what “most people” like to do. Nope. From now on, no separation between my music and videos – no back pocket for Jesus to chill out in until I need Him – no separation between God’s will and my two feet. You are faithful, and I will go where you send me!

My Colorado Journey :)

Whenever you remember times gone by….

Colorado. For many, they call this place home. For me, Colorado is where I found life. About a year and a month ago, I moved to Aspen, Colorado. Looking back it was nothing short of God’s hand that even got me here in the first place. After graduation, I was determined to live in Colorado. I had my heart set on either Steamboat or Breckenridge, but God had other plans. I applied to 15 jobs in Breckenridge and one in this place called Aspen. I had only two interviews for the jobs I applied for in Breckenridge, and no callbacks after that point. Not knowing that Aspen and Breckenridge weren’t the same place, I had decided to accept a phone interview for a position as a lift operator. After the interview, I was offered the position on the condition that I could make it out to aspen in the next few days. This was approximately 1 week after I graduated at this point, but I was ready to live in Breckenridge, Colorado…or so I thought. I accepted the position and began to research this mountain called Highlands in Breckenridge. To my dismay…there is no Highlands Mountain in Breckenridge…you see this mountain was located in Aspen, Colorado. I was, honestly, devastated by this news. I decided to go for it anyway, not really knowing where Aspen was, what it was, or what I was supposed to do when I got there. I remember taking the Colorado Mountain Express to get to this Aspen place, and as we passed all of the signs for Breckenridge I became even more hesitant to see what Aspen had to offer. I went, nonetheless. It was at that point that my plan was interrupted, I knew what I wanted but it was not what God had for me. I spent the first two weeks in Aspen alone in a hotel-turned-apartment about an hour bus ride outside of Aspen. I felt alone, I second-guessed every decision I made up to that point, but God’s grace was guiding me the whole time, even when I wasn’t listening. 

I ended up finding housing in Snowmass, one of the mountains that is owned by the Aspen Skiing Company, and was placed with three random girls. God thing – I think yes! I went, hesitantly, in to this new apartment and came out with new best friends. I spent my winter having the time of my life! My roommates and I could find fun in just about anything and were practically attached at the hip. But winter didn’t last forever. They left about two weeks before my job ended at Highlands, and again, I was alone. At this point, I did not know where to turn. So, in normal Kristi fashion, I went to Target. I was searching for something to read, something to do, or something to watch when I stumbled upon a book called, “ The Purpose Driven Life.” I had heard about this book before and I was at an intersection where I needed to figure out my purpose so I figured it couldn’t hurt to search through the pages for answers. Not only did I find answers, this point was the basis for what was to come in my life. From the beginning of May around May 10, I was home from Aspen because it was off-season – pretty much a time when there is nothing open, no one in town, and you have to get out or you will die of boredom…literally. I remember being at my lake house with a few of my friends, and something came up about a series that Andy Stanley was doing called, “The New Rules for Love Sex and Dating.” I decided to listen to it on my 26-hour drive back from Atlanta to Aspen. I figured what the heck, nothing was working up to this point in the world of dating so maybe having this input would help me out. I wish I could tell you I expected what happened, but no one is ever ready for a holy slap across the face. I remember hitting the Nashville border and deciding to play the podcast from my phone…approximately 25 minutes later, I was pulled over on the side of the road balling my eyes out. I had just heard the story that changed my life, forever, whether I wanted it to or not.

'Andy was talking about getting a group of people together before he started the series to discuss the dating scene these days, understand the terminology, and just see what it is like to be single and looking in this crazy world. There was a girl who started talking about her experiences with dating. She said she had grown up in a Christian home, went to church all her life, but moved to Atlanta after college and wanted to get into the dating scene. At that point, she decided to put Jesus on the back burner, not that she didn’t believe, He just wasn’t going to be a factor in her dating relationships. One night, there was a gathering somewhere and she ended up meeting a guy. She described him as the total package, he had looks, a good job, and was a Christian. When she went home, she told her mom about the guy that she met and said that her mother turned to her and said, “ Sweetheart, the problem is, a guy like him, isn’t looking for a girl like you.”'

“A guy like him, isn’t looking for a girl like you.”

A guy, like the one I want so baldy for myself, would never look for a girl like me, the girl I let myself become. Those words have rung so loudly in my head to this day. Who I was, isn’t who I wanted to be. How can I expect someone to love me when I don’t even love myself? That moment, in Nashville, Tennessee changed my life forever. I don’t know who that girl was, but I know she wasn’t alone. I am so thankful for her mothers bravery in telling her daughter that simple, yet, powerful truth. Needless to say, on my 26-hour journey, I was accompanied by the message of Andy Stanley 26 times. On repeat. For 26 hours. If you would like me to repeat it to you…I can…word for word! The next week in the series, Andy challenged those who were single to take a year off from dating to focus on God and who He wants us to become for our future spouse. So, I did. I took a year off. I am currently in month 9 – 9 months that I never thought I would get through, but that was when I was living for myself and not for a greater purpose in which God has set out for me.

So, the Kristi/Jesus began May 14, 2011. The first day of my “one year challenge.” I don’t know about you, but when I am given a challenge, I take it…must be a Honaker pride thing, but I can guarantee there is no challenge like the “One-Year Challenge.” Before this point, I had never believed that a person so set in their ways could change, and I was right. I could never change on my own. The change that has completely transformed my life was nothing short of a miracle, a miracle that I did not deserve. Jesus changed me. End of story. It was nothing that I did, nothing I so tightly held on to, and nothing I reached for to find satisfaction. You see, grace is getting something we do not deserve. And grace is what Jesus has offered me and what he offers each of us. Jesus found me, when I was nothing but a failure. I reached for everything that never satisfied, yet He still wanted me, He still loved me, and He still died for me. I gave up on myself. I was worth nothing. Without Him I would still feel that way. You have no idea how amazing it feels to feel love, purpose, and grace. I want so badly for every person I know to experience this grace and love that is only found in Jesus.

So, through my next few months in Colorado, I was transformed. I was put through the ringer in life, yet all the while grasping onto the love of Jesus. Looking back, I don’t even want to know where I would be today if I went to Breckenridge. I had a plan, but God’s was always greater. His hand guided me when I was not even I didn’t care, when I was blinded in my sin, when I was hiding in a pit, unwilling to look up. I know I have already talked about Passion and how greatly that has influenced my life. I am so blessed just to call that the pentacle of this journey so far. I have realized that Colorado is not my home, but it is where I finally found satisfaction in knowing Jesus for the first time. No matter how long someone goes to church, until you truly let Jesus love you, it will only be a Sunday routine. I have realized that even when I believed I was worthless, Jesus spoke life and joy into me, and has ignited a flame that will never burn out. I am sad that my time in Colorado is quickly coming to an end, for now. I have been so blessed to make friends, been through challenges, and come out on the other side stronger. But, I am ready for the next chapter of the Kristi/Jesus adventure where the light He has given me will shine in the darkness. Greece. Here we come! J

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry" - Psalm 40:1

Where do I start? Oh, right….Happy Valentines day! I’ll be honest, I’ve never been much of a fan of this day, not because I don’t like the day, I think it’s precious – and come on everything is pink so…hello FAVE….but I’ve just never had much to celebrate on this joyous day. I know, I know…I should start singing Jesus loves me and then I’ll be ok with the fact that on this day I get to be even more aware that I am single. Have you tried that? Did it work? I think NOT! Ha As we speak, or type, I am in Denver, Colorado awaiting the arrival of my lovers, Brittany, Dianna, and Brent. Alone. On Valentines day. Now, before this pity party goes any further, I just wanted to point out I just spent the last 2 hours watching the ever-so-handsome Channing Tatum work his beautiful-gift-from-God magic across the movie screen in “The Vow.” I would like to take this opportunity to praise Jesus in his ability to make such a wonderful, talented…. actor. I digress. 

As I walked into the movie, I quickly realized I was going to be the only person that did not have a date in this movie. However, as the movie played I realized what it means to truly be in love with someone. To love so strongly you are willing fight no matter what may hinder your path. For the first time, I can honestly say that I am happy to wait for that. Some of you may think, yeah, well you intentionally are not dating for a year…so duh you are waiting. Well, yes, but I have never really been content with that decision. Yes, I know I am growing with every day that passes. But, something just clicked. I’m not waiting for some person who is just good enough; I’m waiting for him. The one. Whoa, that is weird. Not only am I waiting for him, I am okay, content, and happy to wait. Because who God has for me, is the best, perfect, mine. Not some mediocre, I’ll- take-you-cause-I’m-bored “love”. And on the other end of that journey, I may not be able to say a lot of things, but I can say to him, “ I am yours.” In the last 30 minutes, I have finally had a peace of this decision come over me, in knowing that this decision is going to be worth it. For now, it is Jesus and I. How awesome is that? Jesus is waiting with me. I am not waiting alone, and I never have to again. I have spend roughly 24.93841 years of my life in search of something I could never find. With this overwhelming peace comes surrender, and I know that I do not have to worry because whoever he is, wherever he is (God help his soul!), God has him for me. For me! Some may call this a revelation, an epiphany, or simply say, ”Duh, Kristi, how did you not know this,” but you have no idea how it feels to be at peace with this situation God has given me. Crazy – this would happen on Valentines Day! So thankful for a Valentines Day where I do not have to complain but wait patiently in hopes for the future! WHOO HOO!

Life - The Ultimate Metaphor!

Psalm 9:1 – 2, 9

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High…The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you”

When reading the Psalms, all I can think is “I want faith like this.” I want to be like David. That even in difficult times, in hopeless times, in trying times, I can praise the name of Jesus without a doubt of His mercy.  Too often, I sit back and let the world influence my thoughts, my anxiousness, and my insecurities. But Jesus can over take them…on a daily basis, in some aspects of my life every minute or so. Its funny how one minute David is boasting in the grace of the Lord and the next asking why God has gone so far away. It is just nice to know that the Bible was God breathed, but written by individuals who were just like us. One minute we are praising God and thanking Him for all He has done for us, and the next we are waiting for a “sign” that he truly cares about us and is here for us. I realized in my selfish thinking, I am the only one who strays. That whole part about God is constant…yeah…I guess that means he is always there, even when we can’t see His hand in anything…or so we think. This whole idea that “God sees the big picture” is great, and then in my trials I think, “Oh, this must have been overlooked, this circumstance can’t possibly be a part of His plan.” 

Time after time, I feel like this rollercoaster of life gets stuck at the very bottom, no jerking movements, no whiplash, no view of the scenery, just stuck. In these times, I tend to use it as a waiting period, or a time where I over analyze every detail of my tragic situation. Probably not a good thing, since we all know there are too many things that I need to change. But in these times, all I can do is wait, knowing that even at the bottom there is no way to go but up. So, I leave my seatbelt on, knowing that this ride will soon take off. So I look up, praising Jesus that I can see another day, see His face at the bottom, and wait. I may wait for a while, but knowing that He waits with me. We may be the only two on this rollercoaster, but I know when it starts up, we’ve got a wild, crazy, and bumpy ride ahead. I don’t know about you, but I love roller coasters, the kind that go 0-60 in 2.5 seconds, the kind that flip you upside down a hundred times and dare you not to throw up….those kind. 

Maybe in God’s sense of humor, he knows that. And he is probably thinking, “why go to a theme park to experience this roller coaster? I can provide that experience daily, no whiplash required.” It can be your life. It is your life! Isn’t it funny that we would go on these rides, and love the thrill, but as long as we know that it will be over in about 30 seconds. As. Long. As. We. Know. When. It. Will. Be. Over. But how do we live a life now knowing what will come up around the next curve? I haven’t been very successful up to this point with figuring out the answer, probably because I wasn’t open to the answer I would find. The answer?… Knowing that you aren’t the only one sitting in the roller coaster. No, not your best friend, not even your family, but Jesus. He goes through it all with you, and all He asks of you is for a little faith. He can work with only an ounce of faith, but the more the merrier. At times, I give Him nothing and He still waits with me. You think you wait for change in your life, but can you imagine being Jesus and waiting for us to come around and give Him all of our hearts, faith, life? He wins when it comes to waiting for an extremely long period of time…try 25 years with me. Then I look at my life, what do I wait for …oh right, I wait for every two weeks when my paycheck comes! Great, Kristi. Way. To. Go. So, why not…since we are both in the game of waiting, why don’t we just wait together? After all, it’s nice to know that there is someone who understands, and is there with me through it all. 

My God Will Come Through... Always!

With the future in mind, while paying attention to todays challenges. This is the inner battle I've been dealing with the last few days! Why, if God wants me in a place so far from where I am, is this extremely difficult situation going on right underneath my nose. Greece. I know it's coming! On the other hand he has given me an opportunity to be light in this lifeless and challenging situation. As most of you know, I have been in aspen for a while, so coming home is always a getaway. Not so much any more. I have realized the realities of financial struggle and an otherwise strong foundation crumbling under my feet. It breaks my heart. To see a father who is so tough and seems to have it all together, lose it cause it's not going perfectly is a little disheartening. Trials, struggle, tribulation. Life wouldn't be life without them. But so often our view is fogged by the things we cannot change and the things we will never be able to accomplish. I wish I could write a check and be done with it, but God isn't going to let us off the hook that easily. You see, my family is great. It's the quintessential - we -look-like-we-have-it-all-together - family. Great for image bad for everything else. In the heart and soul of each of us there is something that holds finances to an extremely high standard. We've always lived a somewhat comfortable life, nothing too crazy or extravagant, but it's kind of controlled us. I know for me it has. Over the past few months of my "year-off" deal, God has completely taken everything I know about finances, moderation and success and changed my perspective completely. And ever since I've been home, it has been in the forefront of my mind - in an overwhelming and challenging way. I want nothing more than to experience God and His undying love for me, but how can I do that when I am holding on to these things he has blessed me with in the first place. To truly surrender, means to live up control- only with His help will I be able to completely rid me of all things Kristi and take hold of my life.

Pride. It seems to creep into each of these situations and make us feel like we owe it to ourselves to succeed and anything less is incompetence and failure. Struggles can be manageable if we don't let this debilitating fear of the lack of pride cloud our vision. You see, pride is a great thing. Knowing we can accomplish our goals, standing on the back side of a finish line, giving something of great value away for something greater can cause a sense of pride and worth for all. But on the flip side, pride can eat you alive. It can ruin every good thing about yourself cause you believe you have to live up to a standard that is set and a bar that is too high to be reached. There is a bar set too high, but it can be attained. I've realized this one thing... Bars that are set high are there for a reason. It's not to make us depressed because we can't reach them, they are there to focus on the One who can reach them and only through that One will we ever obtain success in these areas. Financially. Relationally. What ever area that may be. There are plenty of bars that are set extremely high, but the only way you or I will ever reach it is through the grace and mercy of Jesus. I don't know about you, but I've tried to reach too many of these bars and it just didn't work out. The bars I've tried to reach have only left me with broken hearts, battle scars and too many credit cards. But, once I can give Jesus my everything my heart will be healed, my bruises can be used for glory and my credit cards can be no more. I set this bar to be everything I thought I wanted in this life. Things that would make me look good to other people, but to Jesus I am perfect. A little rough around the edges, yes, but perfect nonetheless. Perfect only BecAuse He has saved me. Before I knew Him, he saved me from these imaginary bars that are set too high, so high that you and I will never be able to reach. But with one touch of His hand, it's obtainable. So, in this time, I have hope that He will rescue the hearts of the broken and heal the souls who have been hurt. I have hope that He will set the standard high in order to show that it was only Him who could have helped us through. He will come through. He always does. As long as I put my full faith and trust in Him, He will come through, always!

February 1... A few hours later

The weight of disappointment lifted.
Last night (or early this morning) was an attack of my heart by the one who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy my hope. I felt incompetent, unloved, and unworthy. Its amazing how God can lift the burden or pain and insert love that covers all things I may feel. Because God says something different. He says, "you are worthy, you are loved, and you are mine!" Have you ever thought about that? I mean really thought about the fact that we are His. In light of all awful situations, just the fact that I can stop and think about the reality that I am Gods! The creator of the universe who died because He loves me. Crazy! Every money issue, every hard time seems to fall by the way side in the light that I Am His! I don't have to worry. I don't have to stress. He Loves Me. I Am His!

Consumer or Follower?

Mark 8:34-38

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels”

What am I living for? Who am I living for? Myself? Acceptance? Money? Things? One word that sums each of those things up is…temporary. Not one of those things are coming with me after I die and leave this world. So why live for something that can only give me temporary satisfaction…. Or un-satisfaction from the inability to obtain enough of each to truly make me happy. Now, I must admit, I don’t usually wake up, look in the mirror and think about taking up my cross for the day. Besides the fact that I try not to look in the mirror right after I wake up…these scary images stare back at me…I want nothing more than my life to be worth something, to mean something, to have purpose. How do I find this? Where will I find this purpose? Well, the answer pretty much slapped me in the face - whether I wanted to hear it or not. You see, in order for my life to be worth something, I have to give it up. In my case, the giving it up part is my job is Aspen, Colorado. I made more money than I ever have in my life. But that is exactly the point,  I was trying to hang on to something I was going to lose anyway. If I died the day after I received my paycheck... it wasn't coming to the grave with me. After listening to the "Trading Up" Series by Andy Stanley - I realized that I have been a consumer of Jesus. I listened to His words, heard His teachings, but never truly lived with the confidence that He was in complete control. That is why the moment He spoke and said I am going to Greece, I was a bit hesitant. In that hesitation, I put aside all the things that I felt were "necessary" for my life, things that internally I was living for, things that are temporary and therefore things I would ultimately leave behind. 

I no longer wanted to be a consumer, but I wanted to be a follower. To be a follower, we are called to a higher standard. I struggled with control in my life, but at that point, I had my life down. I would work numerous hours, get paid enough money to pay my mounts of student loans, tithe my usual percent, buy a few things at Target and repeat the cycle. Andy made it very clear that following Christ will cost you something. I can obey Jesus yet there may be no reward in this life. He stated that it will feel like a death, it will feel like a moral imperative for you to do this one thing that you know you are being called to do. Hello, Greece. I have never felt such a sense of urgency in my need to be there. But the moment I clicked the send button on my e-mail to my boss giving her my two weeks notice, I became a follower not just a consumer. Why? Because, this whole Greece idea was not me. The whole unknown of my future and money and security that I had hid behind for so long was gone. What did that leave me? Faith. Complete and utter falling to the ground with the faith that Jesus is the only way to lead me on this path I have accepted. I had been secure in my life. But security did not require Jesus. The unknown is Jesus' forte. When we walk into the unknown, we are acknowledging the fact that He must take over. We can no longer be secure in ourselves, but we must have confidence and faith in His guidance and path for our lives. Why not though? What do we have to lose? 


Why hold on to things that I know I am going to lose anyway? Why not lose yourself for a purpose? One of my favorite songs right now is called "Walk on the Water" by Brit Nicole. The chorus says this:

"What are you waiting for? 
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurity's try to hold to you.
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes 
And you can walk on the water too!"

If we are going to die anyway, why not die FOR something. No, I don't know what is on the other side of not working at The Little Nell. I don't know how things are going to work out exactly. But it is more than enough to know that I do not have to walk down this path blind, because Jesus has taken my hand and we can walk through this together. Yeah, it may be hard. But being a follower of Jesus is better than any paycheck's temporary satisfaction because I know there is hope that in the end of my road I will not be standing at the pearly gates with millions of dollars, but Jesus saying "Well done, good and faithful one."

Awakening :)

    It is amazing what happens when you don’t just read the Bible to check it off your list of things to do. It has taken me a good 25 years to realize that the Bible is so much more than words on a page, but it is the living, breathing word of God through with he speaks truth into our lives. I never saw the point before; I never sat down with the intention of hearing from God. All the while, He was waiting for me to be patient and listen. Patience isn’t exactly my forte. My family jokes that patience, or lack thereof, is a Honaker thing. We know it is somewhere, just have to unlock nuts and bolts of the dark depths of our lives to find it. However, in our weakness, He is stronger. And through our weaknesses, He gives us challenges to overcome. The great part about God is that, no matter how hard we try on our own, we will never succeed in fully overcoming our problems. But as soon as Jesus takes over, something changes. A change happens that is so unexpected, so out of the ordinary, that you have to fully surrender because you know it was not by your works that you have the ability to overcome, but by His grace and love. Passion City Church was doing a series on “Word” – reading through the gospel of John. I just listened to the part of the series where Jesus meets the Samaritan woman at the well. I have heard this story many times, and something always rings true in my life as with the Samaritan woman. I know what it feels like to be broken, to search for love in every unfulfilling place. But leave it to the Holy Spirit speaking through Louie to bring this message straight to my heart with a new meaning from God. Toward the end of the story, the woman, after talking with Jesus and realizing that He is the living water, goes into her town and tells everyone to “Come, see the man who told me everything I ever did.” (John 4:29) The next part of this, I have never even though about, something that I would skip over onto the next meaningful verse. John writes, “Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony.” Many. Not all. Many. Louie pointed out, “You may not get the whole office, or the whole school but don’t be discouraged because Jesus himself didn’t even get the whole town.” How amazing. I can be so discouraged sometimes to think that the people I am telling about Jesus do not truly understand his love and hope for their lives. But, we may never see the growth of the seed we have planted in their lives, but that shouldn’t stop us from proclaiming the gospel in truth and love for all, because Jesus himself only got “many” not “all” at that point. It is our job to plant the seed; it is Jesus who will bring that seed to life, as He is the living water. He is water that will never run out, and water that will always satisfy.

I had the opportunity to tell my co-workers the other day about my plans and that I will be leaving The Little Nell. Today is my official last day. It is so crazy to think about how Jesus has completely transformed my life into something I never imagined. How patience on my part, has led me to a place of peace and joy in Jesus. I can’t imagine going back to my life even a few short weeks ago. I now can see every opportunity as a time to further God’s kingdom. As I was speaking to my co-workers, I could see something change in their hearts. I got to speak with a few of them about life and about things they have always wanted to do, things that are greater than themselves. You never really know the opportunities God has for you until you take His hand a walk along side of Him. I don’t know what Jesus is doing in their hearts, but I am honored that I am able to plant a seed of hope in each of them to live life passionately.

“Our mission is simple, to say I want Jesus to come and give me what nothing on this earth can give me. It is all going to fall by the wayside in time. When that happens, He starts coming under the layers, it’s in that moment that true worship will happen. That is the worship that God is looking for. In that worship, we get healed and He gets lifted.” – Louie Giglio

In the last two minutes of speaking of John chapter 4, Louie spoke those words above. All I could think about were the moments I have truly felt worship. I felt love. I felt Jesus. That is what I want my life to be. Worship so great that I am healed of all my earthly faults, and Jesus is exalted and lifted high. It is all because of Him that I am healed, whole, and can live a life with purpose. “He must become greater, I must become less.” (John 3:30) I have never been so happy to be considered less, because only through His strength am I even able to stand. 

Standards....

Standards...


A word that at it's mere thought, most of us will cringe. I heard the perfect explanation to this at church one day, "Where there are standards or expectations, there is guilt." How true is that? A way of living that we can not live up to, a life we strive for yet fail too often. I have been thinking about this word a lot lately. As Jesus has completely changed my way of thinking, I have realized that I, now, have to live with these standards. But the good news in this, is that the hard part was already accomplished through the grace and mercy of Jesus, His death on the cross. Now all I have to do, is to live in a way to reflect that goodness and mercy in every aspect of my life. 


In Ephesians 4:20-24 this is reiterated, " You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in Him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. you were taught with regard to your former life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desired, to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."


Well, we think... of course we have to do that... Easier said then done! I have always had difficulty drawing a line as to my "old" life and my "new" life. I know I am supposed to live with Jesus' light shining through me, but I found myself asking the question... How far can I get to the end without actually sinning, without actually doing something bad? After time, my boundaries were pushed so far, it was more than blurry the lines I so desired not to cross. It was until I truly experienced Jesus' love for me that I never realized what it meant to completely surrender to Him. I no longer want to live for the things of this world... the things that I have clung to for so long, yet left me so empty and wanting more and more. These things I defined myself with just left me of the other side with no self worth, no care for my life, and no meaning and purpose. And believe me, Jesus didn't sit on the sidelines and wait for me to realize this, and He won't for you either. In the most unlikely of circumstances, He will make His love and grace known to where you can not doubt it was anything but His Holy presence. 


Living of this world is extremely temporary. Living for something greater than yourself... with eternal significance... is what Jesus had in mind when this world was created. Something that He has really been teaching me (through listening to sermons from Northpoint Church called : Guardrails) is that in order to live this life in the way that I was created, I need to establish guardrails or boundaries. Things that I will not do, places I will not go so that in turn I will not be tempted to fall back into the things of this world. This. Is. SO. HARD!! Especially coming back to Aspen, seeing all the people I work with going out, having fun, living it up... and for a split second I thought I wanted it. But to be honest, I have filled myself with the love of Jesus so there is no need for me to find satisfaction in these temporary fixes of life. I wish so badly that each of them could see how much the things of this world will push you to the brink of danger then if anything were to happen, "It's all your fault." Life is not meant to be lived just to pass the time - it is an adventure, created my God for us to enjoy and learn in His truth. But not until we establish these standards will we realize our true joy in Jesus. The world will try to tempt you with all these unfulfilling things. But do you realize, Jesus doesn't have to tempt us. He knows He is the only way, the only true love, grace, mercy that we can experience in our temporary life on earth. Therefore He is just waiting for you to say, "Ok, Jesus, Let's do this!"