It Really Hurts.

my heart hurts.

it hurts because my friends' are hurting.

it hurts because my community is hurting.

it hurts because my family is hurting.

injustice is so real.

i wish i could click my magic red heels and we would all be with you, Jesus, in Heaven.

what a day that will be, right? The day when the person to my left will be African and the one to my right will be Asian. When the person in front of me will be Italian, and the person in front of them will be German. When the neighborhood of Heaven will be filled with every tribe and tongue. Oh, my heart wants that so badly.

i hurt cause brothers and sisters hurt. it looks nice to raise your hands to Jesus on Sunday, but that doesn't give you a right to stick up your nose to your neighbor on Monday morning.

unity is a battle the enemy is fighting so hard against right now. God's Kingdom, His Chosen, His Children, the enemy is after us all. Can't you see it?!

I told someone today that when you become a Christian, it's like you're being clothed with Jesus for battle. Why are we acting like we have nothing to fight with? If my brother is hurting, i get to be the one he leans on. If my sister is wounded, in His strength, I get to help her up.

oh, my heart just feels like it's being ripped out. No, i'm not black. No, I might not fully understand what others go through on a day to day basis. but that doesn't mean, i don't feel pain when others hurt.

I know one thing, I love Jesus. Jesus is love. Love does not boast, love is not proud, love is kind. All I want is for people to know His love. It is perfect, unlike mine. I don't love well when I love out of my own strength. I get easily offended. I am prideful. I am weak. His love is perfect. His love COVERS ALL. His love is the gap-filler in our hearts. He is good. He is kind. He doesn't hate. He doesn't hurt. It is not His nature. The fall changed a lot, but it didn't change an All-Powerful God.

i just want you to know that today. You are loved. YOU, yeah you. Is hurt, on this side of Heaven inevitable, yeah. But can I tell you something? In our hurt, in injustice, in pain, HE is our voice, He is our hope, and He gets the final word.

we get an opportunity to stand united on a battle ground covered in blood of innocence, fear of hatred, and broken hearts. We get to stand, not on strength that is our own, because we are fragile.

we GET to stand, not as fragile humans, but as beloved children of God who have been given a family of all races, nations, tribes, and tongues. Oh, that will be my favorite day of all to see the you standing next to me, my black sister, singing better than I ever could, praising our same Jesus. I can't wait to hug my brother who speaks a language, on earth, I'll never know, as we praise our SAME Jesus.

I just want to stand with you. I just want to love you. Will you teach me how? teach us how, Jesus.

Hope Restored

I would just post an Instagram or short-and-sweet Facebook update, but that won’t do justice to what He did. 

So, if you’re feeling like hope is lost, like joy is far beyond reach, and you have no idea what in the world to do with the emotions you’re currently feeling, I understand. I promise, you're not alone. 

For as long as I have been home, I have been attending The Square. 3 months. Before Italy, never would I have imagined going on a retreat with a church that I had been attending for such a short time… but this is after Italy soooo life looks a little different. Evidently in the wave of reentry, 3 months brings around emotions of emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and confusion in how to transfer the new you in to old places. A lot right? Yes. In light of the insecurity and the battle in my head of a billion reasons why I shouldn’t, I went on the retreat. Suck it, Satan.

I knew two things coming into the retreat weekend: I was a mess and didn’t know why, and I needed Jesus to show up desperately. D.E.S.P.E.R.A.T.E.L.Y.

Straight out of the gate, I was aware that God’s presence was encircling us; it was hard not to notice. He didn’t want this to be just another church “retreat,” He gave us space away for perspective to see the revival that He is calling us into. What an honor. I stood amazed, yet felt so empty. How? I still can’t tell you. But, all I know is the tears were clear indicators that something inside was messed up and I was just ready to be done with it. I was tired of feeling “all of the emotions” every moment of every day without an explanation. I was worn out. I didn’t understand. I wanted consistent joy, yet felt like I was grasping for something that was merely slipping through my fingers instead. Through the tearstains from battling depression and dealing with the reentry process of being back in America, I was exhausted. I spent 3 months balancing trying to seek out joy with not being able to find purpose in my time in Italy. Because, yes, it sounds glamorous to have lived in the land so many dream to visit, but it wrecked me …in one of those “all of the emotions” type of way.

Saturday came and I was struggling. Tears began when I started to journal. All I could write was, “I feel empty but I believe something is coming.” I was clinging to whatever I could at that point. A few moments later, after trying to process what the heck was going on in my head and failing miserably, I found myself sitting on a bed weeping on the shoulder of one of my newest sweet friends. Ugly cry style, y’all. I hate not having reasons for the things I do (for the most part), so crying when I can’t figure out why I’m crying is hard. At one point she gently pointed out that this mark of reentry is one where you just feel…empty. She reminded me that this season is a balance of who you became in Italy and how that transfers back home. She reached down and the next moment opened her hand with a giving key in it. 

The word on it: 

She looked at me as she dropped it into my hand and said, “I feel like you need this.” I did. And I still do.

Saturday night was powerful. One of those nights that you try to explain to others, but the way the Holy Spirit moved can’t be described by words known to man. All I said to God was I need something. I need a word. I need to know you are here. I need freedom. I need joy. Something. Anything. I’m sick of this. From the moment we entered into the worship space, I knew The Holy Spirit was on the move. He hovered waiting for His children to open themselves to what He was about to shift in the atmosphere. The night ended with prophecy and healing. I was still grasping to my prayer when Darren called up those who have felt brokenhearted to come and be prayed over. I almost didn’t go. The enemy wanted me to think I wasn’t worthy enough to claim that that was true and that I was crazy for thinking my situation has left me heartbroken and empty. But as a faithful best friend who had no idea what had just gone through my head, Brittany looked right at me and said, “we’re goin up.” My heart was shattered, but I was still fighting the battle. With every step, I walked onto the battlefield, claiming that the lies had no place. As the Spirit moved, Darren stopped at me, held my head, and said, “HOPE.”

“I see renewed hope.” Renewed Hope. Hope Restored.

I wept.

In the next moment they began praying over those who had been struggling with depression and anxiety. Again, me. I wondered how many times they would allow me to be prayed over cause evidently they knew my life before they asked who needed prayer in these areas.

“You are Compassionate. There is Joy waiting. It is okay to laugh again.”

I wept. I wept because I wanted to laugh and mean it. I wanted to believe that joy could be mine. The longer they prayed, the more I could feel Jesus speak gently over me…

“I adore you!” I adore You.” I adore YOU.”

For the first time in my life, I believe Him. I actually believe that hope is being renewed, that He adores me, that joy is possible.

I realized I was free.

We ask for breakthrough. We pray for freedom. God in His grace, has the power to free us from the things that drag us down. In the wide-open spaces of freedom, you are left standing without the barricades that you grew so comfortable within. Our option is either to build back up the walls or embrace the fact that I look like a flailing idiot who doesn’t actually know what to do with the freedom I have prayed for for so long. From this moment on, it is my decision if I run back to the chains that God has graciously unlocked and thrown away. The walls that used to blind my eyes to hope and joy have crumbled down, and I have a choice to live in the freedom or build them back because it is more comfortable when I’m not exposed out in the open. That’s scary. But it is what He made us for right?

“By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.” Romans 5:1-2

We are left vulnerable, but not alone. I can’t put in to words everything that God did this past weekend, but one thing is for sure: I have never heard or seen God so clearly as I have to date. I think seeds were planted, some that the fruit will be seen immediately but others I won’t fully understand until months or years down the road. I am confident in what He is doing, I feel parts of my heart mending as He gently speaks into them, “I adore you.”

“There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!” Romans 5:3-5

The God Gaps

When you're a part of the work set in motion by the creator of the universe, letting go becomes passing the baton. In doing this, we don't have to say goodbye, we are just being entrusted with different things. Sometimes this is because God has finished His work in us that needed to be completed. But, especially recently, I've seen all too clearly that my letting go opens up a gap, a place that God has chosen others to fill for their appointed time. Selfishly the things that I love, I want to hold tight to. But I'm realizing over and over again, that letting go opens a gap, not only of the things were letting go of, but also in the things God wants to give us. Gaps are good. Not easy, but good. Gaps leave space between our capabilities and God divine purposes. We are not often asked to let go of things that are insignificant to us. Most times we are asked to let go of things we hold most dear so we can reset priorities, rearrange dreams, and remember that we are not the faithful ones in the equation of God + Us. Life has so often reminded me of the story of the boy with his dad walking along the beach. The boy searching for the greatest seashell he can find, collects others small ones along the way. He father, on the other hand, finds the biggest seashell on the beach and wants to give it to his son. But in order for the son to get the biggest seashell, he must let go of all he is holding on to. That is my life in a nutshell ... Or seashell... Ohhhh so bad it's good ... Nope just bad :/

But I feel like this season is so much of letting go. So many things I love, He's telling me to leave. Little moments and big moments alike that have defined my time in Italy and I have to let it go. There has to be a gap. I think so often we live in a tension - there's a gap and we need to fill it. God says there's a gap and only I can fill it. You can strive all you like to try, but you'll wear yourself out and never fill it all on your own. You can wait and walk with me or you can run at your pace that you think the gap should be filled and become worn out. Living in the gap is a gift when so often we see it as failure. God asks us to let go of things to make room. Never have I ever let go of something to get less than what I gave up in the first place. It's always more... Immeasurably more. That's our God. Gaps change as the seasons pass. There's always something new on the horizon. New is different, new is scary, new is surrender taken to a different level. New leaves gaps. Sometimes "new" is going back to something that no longer looks familiar. My new will be walking back to the place I call home and not knowing what I'm walking into, where I'm supposed to go, or how long I'll be there. And it's ok.

It's ok. It is well. I believe it with all of my heart. I am incapable of figuring my life out successfully. My plans are so often changed for the better, that stepping back and surrendering looks so much more fulfilling. Not easy by any means, says the girl who would if she could plan every moment of the next 5 years of my life. But I love that in Italy, of all places, God showed me what surrender looks like, what being refined and coming out victorious on the other side feels like, what walking through a scary wilderness with nothing to offer and opening my hands to accept Him... And it was always enough. He was always more than enough. Everything I ever lacked, He gave me more. Everything I ever dreamed, He gave me so much more. As I am about to leave this season and into the next, I'm confident of one thing: I'm not walking into easy. Yes, one season is soon to be over, but God isn't calling me back into a life of "I have it all figured out and life is exactly how I planned." And if I'm being honest, I can say I don't want that life anymore. Sometimes God has to call us out of comfort to show us we are capable of more than predicable with Him. The last 20 months have been anything but predictable. But my list of things I would have liked to happen have been so far exceeded, my hands remain open in surrender because His ways are higher and SOOOO MUCH BETTER! I claimed immeasurably more coming to Italy, and that is exactly what it was. And the amazing thing is that God doesn't give us a quota of immeasurably more. Immeasurably More isn't over now that I've almost finished this season - God is immeasurably more. Walking with Him always gives us immeasurably more - but it's not always in the ways we think. God keeps us guessing, that's the fun and scary part! The gaps don't scare Him. They invite Him in to more of our lives. In the next season I'll claim the gaps and believe for only immeasurably more to fill it. He is so good. I'm just in awe and so thankful.

Ticket Booked Into My New Season

I'll be honest. I wasn't going to share this blog with many people. I feel like in sharing this, its making the statement to God in saying, "I accept what is coming." Time in Italy has shown me how to accept the unexpected and look forward to the destruction of my "good" plans and believing for God's bigger plans….SO SO much bigger.

So, here I am, sitting on my balcony in Rome, Italy, watching the clouds roll in and the rain begin to fall, and all I know to do is praise Him. Let this be my declaration to live with the open hands and accept what He's offering and where He is taking me.

Time to make room.

April 16, 2015

I booked my ticket into my next season today.

I just realized that my time in this season has been given an end date. If you had asked me in September of last year if I would have been happy about moving on, I would have said yes. I would have been ready for everything that was to come, and I would have known exactly where I would fit back in to life in Georgia. Well, this isn’t September of last year anymore, and the tears have already flowed thinking about leaving this season, when I still have a few more months. The fact that that is my reaction in the first place, is nothing short of a miracle. I know that sounds crazy, but the moment I realized God changed my heart from the girl who wanted to go “home” to the one who was ready to embrace this season and jump all in to what He wanted to give me, was when I could actually feel chains breaking loose. There was freedom of gripping so tightly to my plans and living in the state of surrender that I desired, but I knew was way to scary to embrace. God asked me to stay in September because He knew I wasn’t ready to go into a new season without the things that were to come in fulfilling the plans in this season. I “knew” where I wanted to be, and for most of my time last year, I lived “knowing” I would be there if I could just get out of this season. Ha. That’s no way to live in the first place, I can see that now. To live in full surrender is probably the scariest, craziest, and most fulfilling thing God could ever ask anyone to do. I’ve learned that instead of gripping to things that I want to happen, I can hold tightly to the things I know to be true, and let God, the giver of dreams and desires, fulfill the things inside of me that I don’t ACTUALLY know how to fulfill properly…MIND BLOWING, and difficult.

Going home never seemed scary until now. Only because the “me” that left, isn’t the “me” that is returning. There are changes that I already know will take place that I would have never dreamed would be true. The letting go of dreams and finding new ones. Being given a voice, new passions, new hopes, new places to go, is empowering. My plane ticket isn’t taking me back home to do and be what I was in January 2014. God changed everything. I see Him differently. To see the reality of how He works when all seems hopeless. To see the way He provides when you’re up against a wall and all you can do is pray. I’ve seen God provide people for my church EXACTLY at the moment we needed them. Little did they know they were stepping into something so much bigger than themselves. I’ve seen God provide money when I just wanted to go see my family in August. I’ve seen God turn my small salary into JUST ENOUGH every single month. I may not always come out in the positives, but it’s never negative, it’s always just the amount that was needed. I’ve seen God change hearts to love Him. I’ve seen God begin a great work in the hearts of children. I’ve seen people step up in times of need, not to be “seen” but because their genuine love for Jesus drives them to serve and to love as He did. I’ve seen God ignite passions in people and I’ve seen platforms being built for them to carry out those passions for His glory. I’ve seen God set dreams on fire to allow greater dreams to take root and begin to grow.

God in the comfort zone looks so small. But God, when you have nothing to give, when you step out of comfort, when you say “yes” even when it seems crazy, is beautiful.  I will probably be processing how big God is just from seeing Him so clearly over the last year and a half for the rest of my life. Once you taste and see Him in this way, life doesn’t look the same. I believe that God isn’t calling me to step back into something, He’s calling me to step into something new, something I haven’t even thought of yet. 

Even so, It Is Well With My Soul

Staying.

Sometimes staying is harder than leaving. 

Sometimes being faithful means standing still and remaining in a place of desperation for God.

Sometimes, even when God knows the desires of your heart, He still tells you to stay where you don’t necessarily want to be.

Sometimes, the planner in you wants to figure out where God is going to take you next, when He says, “you’re right where I want you, Beloved.”

Sometimes, He says to stay in the waves that are crashing over top of you, yet in uncertainty, you must keep pressing on because you will NOT be defeated.

Sometimes, nothing makes sense….ever… and God says, “trust me.”

You know, I remember telling God to send me. “Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” I dubbed that “my song”… and then God said, “I’m taking you to Italy.” Blindfolded, I went. I arrived with nothing less than a massive dose of reality… I am here for one year. My pep talks became, “You only have ___ more months. You can make it. Trust that you are here for a reason. God doesn’t do things by accident.” Months have gone by, time has passed quickly and January has been staring me in the face, giving me perseverance for the short time I have left …when God changed everything. Doesn’t He always.

A few weeks ago, I sat in a group with about 15 people praying for a new church to be planted in Rome. God quietly spoke, “Your time isn’t up.” As the meeting went on, my spirit started to feel some type of way…and I didn’t exactly like it. Two weeks prior, when asked if I would stay in Rome longer past January my response was "only if God sends a lightning bolt down from Heaven and tells me to stay I will…otherwise, I'm out." Well, it wasn't exactly that, but prompting from the Holy Spirit did more than the non-existent lightning bolt I was hoping for. Little by little, things became clear. “I want you to stay.” “You aren’t finished here.” “I have begun a good work, I will carry it out to completion. Just be patient.” And then today happened.

I sat on my bed watching Ben Stuart’s talk on Song of Solomon. I thought I was free of commentary about my status in Rome…but no. Leave it to God to speak into your situation when about staying when you are listening to a talk on relationships.

“Sometimes you need to stay and pick the weeds to reap the harvest.”  

The end. I just sat back and said, “I hear you, God.” What harvest? I can’t see anything past the tip of my nose let alone what God has planted and will be harvesting in the future. I’ve never been more exhausted in a nine-month period than these last nine months. I’ve also never been so in awe with who God has shown Himself to be. When I say He is my everything, my heart bursts with excitement because He actually is! None of this, “Oh I’m saying it to make me look good.” There is no one here to “look good” for…so that isn’t even an option. He is good. I have seen His hand at work. He is changing everything I know to be true about me and replacing it with the truth of who He says I am! 

I began to write an email today, and realized God was writing it for me. All I ended it with was, “I will stay until He tells me to go.”

I will stay until He tells me to go. 

As soon as those words posted to my computer screen, I knew I had to stop fighting. I was stressing myself out with trying to find a way out, all the while saying I trusted God’s plan. In that moment, I got my answer. The one I didn’t want, but deep down I knew it was coming. Stay. When January has been my check out point, now God has turned it into the beginning of a new season, new months, and new adventures. He began something, and He is not finished. So, as of about 11:00am this morning, I told Him I would stay. When I talked with the family tonight, and that looks to be July. I have a calm about it, but at the same time, God is ripping me to shreds. I told Him what I want, He said, not yet. I trusted Him to bring me to Italy, and I trust that His plans to bring forth life in whatever seeds He has planted. Nonetheless, I sit here, stunned at what He is capable of. I can stand on His promises. I can walk in His strength. And I can carry on in His abundant love. My immeasurably more in Italy just added a few more months. It is well with my soul. My immeasurable more is staying in the unknown and tasting and SEEING with my own eyes that The Lord is good. If I sat here and said that this wasn't difficult, it would be the biggest lie I've ever told (maybe next to the lie I told in 4th grade that I would help my 125 year old neighbor ride his bike everyday… :)). But, He word is good. His love has carried me through 9 months of Italian struggles, and He isn't done! He is faithful. How great is our God! 

The Truth About Italy. The UnSugarCoated Details.

What Italy is really like:

For those of you who know me – I’m sure I’ve given my fair share of input about my current adventure in Italy. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly I’m more, now than ever, aware of God’s constant presence in and around me.. No – I’m not perfect at remembering, and I would be lying if I said in the raging tantrums of my 4 year old little rascal I can constantly be in tune to how God would have me to love him instead of wanting to scream and run away. I am still learning. Not a day goes by that God doesn’t have something in store. Many have asked how Italy is going, and with over half of this year under my belt – its about to get real up in herrrr! Sugar coat? I will not. Here is the truth about what my life is like in Italy and here it is the constant goodness of my God who holds me fast in this season.

Italy is beautiful. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing this place is real. God took extra care to make this country absolutely stunning in every way! I am fully aware that I am living people’s dreams right now. Sometimes, this is overwhelming. I am a people pleaser and therefore I don’t want others to feel bad about not being here. I know it sounds crazy – but I’m just telling the truth. It’s hard to balance the dreams of others and my reality that is beyond dreams I could ever have had for myself. So, God speaks into this saying “ I dreamt dreams for you before you had dreams to dream. Be present on this adventure that I am taking you on! Trust me to fulfill my dreams for everyone else in My timing.” I go back and forth between feeling bad for those who dreamed of this life and trying not to sound too excited about where I am in fear that I will be hated for the life I am living and what people can see from the outside.

I want to encourage those in seasons of beauty: SOAK IT IN, Live it up, and learn how to see God’s face in it all! For those waiting on beauty, feeling overlooked, and wondering where adventure is, I challenge you to: SOAK IT IN!! See the things around you that you have already been given. God is waiting to be found in every area of our lives but sometimes our stubbornness hinders us from realizing His goodness through it ALL! Not one day in the span of your life is wasted, worthless, or overlooked by God. Not one moment…ever! So anything telling you otherwise is a lie. You can go ahead and dispel that – ready go!

Italy is slowing grabbing of pieces of my heart and allowing me to feel and experience emotions that I never knew I had the capability to feel. Some good, some terrifying. In these moments, God continues to speak into my dreams. I had a conversation with two amazing friends when they came to visit Sorrento. They asked me what my dream job would be after this year is over. I couldn’t answer. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I honestly have never allowed myself to believe that I was worthy of dreaming dreams and asking God for them. I didn’t feel worthy to live life into immeasurably more but God is showing me that His dreams far outweigh my fear of dreaming for myself. So, I sat down to write out my dreams… not out of fear but out of expectation and it makes my heart race with excitement. I feel like a little child sitting at the feet of Jesus asking what is coming next and waiting in trust that what I have written will be fulfilled. I’ve come far enough to know that how I think God will do this, is probably opposite of how He actually will, so I will wait in His presence and trust Him to go before and prepare what He has.

A day in the life in Italy. On any given day, I will meet at least one new person. Italians are generous, loving, and if you are part of the family you will feel nothing less than protected and provided for. It is incredible. I was walking on the street one day to a hike in a place called Baia Di Jeranto. I stopped to ask a girl for directions and she told me to go to the bus stop down the street. Well, I am impatient and don’t like to wait so I kept walking past the bus stop….and kept walking. I found out there was a bus strike that day and I would have to walk 3 more miles to get me to my destination and hike another 3.5 miles to the bay where I was headed in the first place. Next thing I know, the same girl pulls up on the side of me with her motorino and tells me to get on! She drove me the next few miles because she didn’t want me to have to walk that far before I was going to hike! WHAT?! Generosity. She was looking out for a stranger, not because she had to or felt pressured, but that is how Italians are!

You wont ever leave hungry…EVER. If you don’t gain weight, they will think you are sick and just try to feed you more food. The movies don’t lie people! This is real life! On any given day, you will eat enough pasta, pizza, and cheese to feed a small country. I am constantly amazed by the intake of food and the small body sizes of the Italian people…it doesn’t make sense to me, and I’m sure it never will.

I Au-Pair for 3 children, 12, 10, and 4. With two girls entering their teenage years and a boy who is …. Ummm… difficult, I fight to stay sane on a daily basis. There are so many beautiful moments, and so many really, really difficult ones. But, as I mentioned before, God is teaching me to see His face in ALL of it, not just the good. I’m learning how to love when I don’t want to, I’m learning how to communicate through walls of struggle and hurt, and I’m learning how to navigate situations I never thought I would ever be in. This is a fight in the good and bad, and my grip on God is tighter than ever. I’ve seen beauty in conversations about God. I’m getting a taste of my own medicine with the oldest…as she acts JUST like I did when I was younger (which was obviously perfect….oh wait…). I see the middle struggle to be seen, so I can show her that she is loved and seen not only by me but also by her Savior. I see a youngest who yearns for discipline, but balancing love and boundaries is harder than it may sound for a child who isn’t used to that. All of this is in the place where God is telling me that the REAL Kristi is to be found as well. Needless to say, it is a lot. I am in a constant state of surrender…. Knowing I can’t carry all of this well without Him.

I’m proud of my Italian roots. I’ve learned so much about the culture here, and so much of my life makes sense because of it. My mom’s hospitality, my dad’s adventurous spirit… and stubbornness, my grandma’s feistiness, my granny’s devotion….everything. I get to little by little piece together my history while in the place so much of my family lived, worked, and loved. There is so much more that I am expecting for in the second half of my year here…and all of it, I’m not sure how to put into words. I know one thing, I’m trusting without borders, I’m loving without boundaries, and I’m learning without trying to tell God that I know better. He’s smart to put me in a place of unknown so I can only depend on His strength and trust that His timing is perfect, His heart is good, and His dreams for me are immeasurably more! I'm being romanced by Jesus in the beauty of His creation. He is putting me back together, little by little, He is uncovering the Kristi that I have stuffed down because of fear. He is breathing life into places I never knew were dead. He is showing me His face in places beyond my wildest dreams. Italy. Jesus. Kristi. Life. That is what it is really like. 

I Lift My Eyes!

“I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalms 121:1-3)

I’ve had these words stuck in my head for the last few hours and all I can do it to keep repeating them over and over. It made me wonder what David was thinking when he wrote these words. If I look to the mountains, my cry isn’t immediately going to be answered. If I set a goal and would like to attain it and I look to the hills, my goal isn’t going to be reached in that instant. I don't recall a time I asked advice from someone and their response was, "look to the hills!" So what help will it do when I am in need of saving that is outside of my capabilities? Look to the hills, David says. Why? 

The other day I swam at the base of a mountain, in a bay hidden far away from civilization. Not even realizing it, God was answering this future question for me. I didn’t stand at the base of the mountain, look up, and list off the things that I want to unfold in my life. I swam at the base of the mountain in compete awe and wonder. There were no words that I could possibly speak that would have graced the surface of the joy I knew that instant. I begged God to help me remember the view, the peace, and the love He was showing me.

So, why then, do we look to the hills? Because, when we look to the hills we aren't looking into the face of a solution to our difficulties, we are looking into the face of the Creator. 

We see God in His greatness, in the intricate details of His creation and it gives us a perspective of the beautiful God that says He loves US and that He has GOOD in store FOR us. 

I couldn’t look up to the hills and remember the things that so frequently consume my mind: wants, needs, desires, dreams. I sat in awe. Speechless. I felt as though I was starring into the face of God, and everything else faded away. David knew that in order for him to face what God was setting in front of him, He had to be able to stop and see the face of the One who was going to help him through it. We look up to the hills to see the greatness of our God. We look to the hills because we are given greater perspective to see that our help comes from the One who created the massive structure in front of us, and in one word from His mouth, it can and will move.

If you are facing trials, I urge you to find a mountain, sit at its base and look up. 

As big as that mountain looks to you, that is infinitely times how much bigger God is to the problems you are facing. 

Look up and know His word is true, and His promises to you WILL be fulfilled. Look up and know that if He wants the mountain to move, it will, if He wants the mountain to stay, it will, and if He wants the mountain to crumble to the ground, it WILL because He says so. And as His children, we get to live in that strength, that joy, and that love. That is the God you serve, and THAT is the God who sees beyond the mountain. When you are sitting at the base, you can't see the other side. God offers us peace because He ALONE knows what is coming. You can't be in the valley of the mountain and at it's peak…He already is. Rest in looking up. 

Remember He is in it WITH you and beyond it FOR you!