Staying.

Sometimes staying is harder than leaving. 

Sometimes being faithful means standing still and remaining in a place of desperation for God.

Sometimes, even when God knows the desires of your heart, He still tells you to stay where you don’t necessarily want to be.

Sometimes, the planner in you wants to figure out where God is going to take you next, when He says, “you’re right where I want you, Beloved.”

Sometimes, He says to stay in the waves that are crashing over top of you, yet in uncertainty, you must keep pressing on because you will NOT be defeated.

Sometimes, nothing makes sense….ever… and God says, “trust me.”

You know, I remember telling God to send me. “Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” I dubbed that “my song”… and then God said, “I’m taking you to Italy.” Blindfolded, I went. I arrived with nothing less than a massive dose of reality… I am here for one year. My pep talks became, “You only have ___ more months. You can make it. Trust that you are here for a reason. God doesn’t do things by accident.” Months have gone by, time has passed quickly and January has been staring me in the face, giving me perseverance for the short time I have left …when God changed everything. Doesn’t He always.

A few weeks ago, I sat in a group with about 15 people praying for a new church to be planted in Rome. God quietly spoke, “Your time isn’t up.” As the meeting went on, my spirit started to feel some type of way…and I didn’t exactly like it. Two weeks prior, when asked if I would stay in Rome longer past January my response was "only if God sends a lightning bolt down from Heaven and tells me to stay I will…otherwise, I'm out." Well, it wasn't exactly that, but prompting from the Holy Spirit did more than the non-existent lightning bolt I was hoping for. Little by little, things became clear. “I want you to stay.” “You aren’t finished here.” “I have begun a good work, I will carry it out to completion. Just be patient.” And then today happened.

I sat on my bed watching Ben Stuart’s talk on Song of Solomon. I thought I was free of commentary about my status in Rome…but no. Leave it to God to speak into your situation when about staying when you are listening to a talk on relationships.

“Sometimes you need to stay and pick the weeds to reap the harvest.”  

The end. I just sat back and said, “I hear you, God.” What harvest? I can’t see anything past the tip of my nose let alone what God has planted and will be harvesting in the future. I’ve never been more exhausted in a nine-month period than these last nine months. I’ve also never been so in awe with who God has shown Himself to be. When I say He is my everything, my heart bursts with excitement because He actually is! None of this, “Oh I’m saying it to make me look good.” There is no one here to “look good” for…so that isn’t even an option. He is good. I have seen His hand at work. He is changing everything I know to be true about me and replacing it with the truth of who He says I am! 

I began to write an email today, and realized God was writing it for me. All I ended it with was, “I will stay until He tells me to go.”

I will stay until He tells me to go. 

As soon as those words posted to my computer screen, I knew I had to stop fighting. I was stressing myself out with trying to find a way out, all the while saying I trusted God’s plan. In that moment, I got my answer. The one I didn’t want, but deep down I knew it was coming. Stay. When January has been my check out point, now God has turned it into the beginning of a new season, new months, and new adventures. He began something, and He is not finished. So, as of about 11:00am this morning, I told Him I would stay. When I talked with the family tonight, and that looks to be July. I have a calm about it, but at the same time, God is ripping me to shreds. I told Him what I want, He said, not yet. I trusted Him to bring me to Italy, and I trust that His plans to bring forth life in whatever seeds He has planted. Nonetheless, I sit here, stunned at what He is capable of. I can stand on His promises. I can walk in His strength. And I can carry on in His abundant love. My immeasurably more in Italy just added a few more months. It is well with my soul. My immeasurable more is staying in the unknown and tasting and SEEING with my own eyes that The Lord is good. If I sat here and said that this wasn't difficult, it would be the biggest lie I've ever told (maybe next to the lie I told in 4th grade that I would help my 125 year old neighbor ride his bike everyday… :)). But, He word is good. His love has carried me through 9 months of Italian struggles, and He isn't done! He is faithful. How great is our God!