Hope Restored

I would just post an Instagram or short-and-sweet Facebook update, but that won’t do justice to what He did. 

So, if you’re feeling like hope is lost, like joy is far beyond reach, and you have no idea what in the world to do with the emotions you’re currently feeling, I understand. I promise, you're not alone. 

For as long as I have been home, I have been attending The Square. 3 months. Before Italy, never would I have imagined going on a retreat with a church that I had been attending for such a short time… but this is after Italy soooo life looks a little different. Evidently in the wave of reentry, 3 months brings around emotions of emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and confusion in how to transfer the new you in to old places. A lot right? Yes. In light of the insecurity and the battle in my head of a billion reasons why I shouldn’t, I went on the retreat. Suck it, Satan.

I knew two things coming into the retreat weekend: I was a mess and didn’t know why, and I needed Jesus to show up desperately. D.E.S.P.E.R.A.T.E.L.Y.

Straight out of the gate, I was aware that God’s presence was encircling us; it was hard not to notice. He didn’t want this to be just another church “retreat,” He gave us space away for perspective to see the revival that He is calling us into. What an honor. I stood amazed, yet felt so empty. How? I still can’t tell you. But, all I know is the tears were clear indicators that something inside was messed up and I was just ready to be done with it. I was tired of feeling “all of the emotions” every moment of every day without an explanation. I was worn out. I didn’t understand. I wanted consistent joy, yet felt like I was grasping for something that was merely slipping through my fingers instead. Through the tearstains from battling depression and dealing with the reentry process of being back in America, I was exhausted. I spent 3 months balancing trying to seek out joy with not being able to find purpose in my time in Italy. Because, yes, it sounds glamorous to have lived in the land so many dream to visit, but it wrecked me …in one of those “all of the emotions” type of way.

Saturday came and I was struggling. Tears began when I started to journal. All I could write was, “I feel empty but I believe something is coming.” I was clinging to whatever I could at that point. A few moments later, after trying to process what the heck was going on in my head and failing miserably, I found myself sitting on a bed weeping on the shoulder of one of my newest sweet friends. Ugly cry style, y’all. I hate not having reasons for the things I do (for the most part), so crying when I can’t figure out why I’m crying is hard. At one point she gently pointed out that this mark of reentry is one where you just feel…empty. She reminded me that this season is a balance of who you became in Italy and how that transfers back home. She reached down and the next moment opened her hand with a giving key in it. 

The word on it: 

She looked at me as she dropped it into my hand and said, “I feel like you need this.” I did. And I still do.

Saturday night was powerful. One of those nights that you try to explain to others, but the way the Holy Spirit moved can’t be described by words known to man. All I said to God was I need something. I need a word. I need to know you are here. I need freedom. I need joy. Something. Anything. I’m sick of this. From the moment we entered into the worship space, I knew The Holy Spirit was on the move. He hovered waiting for His children to open themselves to what He was about to shift in the atmosphere. The night ended with prophecy and healing. I was still grasping to my prayer when Darren called up those who have felt brokenhearted to come and be prayed over. I almost didn’t go. The enemy wanted me to think I wasn’t worthy enough to claim that that was true and that I was crazy for thinking my situation has left me heartbroken and empty. But as a faithful best friend who had no idea what had just gone through my head, Brittany looked right at me and said, “we’re goin up.” My heart was shattered, but I was still fighting the battle. With every step, I walked onto the battlefield, claiming that the lies had no place. As the Spirit moved, Darren stopped at me, held my head, and said, “HOPE.”

“I see renewed hope.” Renewed Hope. Hope Restored.

I wept.

In the next moment they began praying over those who had been struggling with depression and anxiety. Again, me. I wondered how many times they would allow me to be prayed over cause evidently they knew my life before they asked who needed prayer in these areas.

“You are Compassionate. There is Joy waiting. It is okay to laugh again.”

I wept. I wept because I wanted to laugh and mean it. I wanted to believe that joy could be mine. The longer they prayed, the more I could feel Jesus speak gently over me…

“I adore you!” I adore You.” I adore YOU.”

For the first time in my life, I believe Him. I actually believe that hope is being renewed, that He adores me, that joy is possible.

I realized I was free.

We ask for breakthrough. We pray for freedom. God in His grace, has the power to free us from the things that drag us down. In the wide-open spaces of freedom, you are left standing without the barricades that you grew so comfortable within. Our option is either to build back up the walls or embrace the fact that I look like a flailing idiot who doesn’t actually know what to do with the freedom I have prayed for for so long. From this moment on, it is my decision if I run back to the chains that God has graciously unlocked and thrown away. The walls that used to blind my eyes to hope and joy have crumbled down, and I have a choice to live in the freedom or build them back because it is more comfortable when I’m not exposed out in the open. That’s scary. But it is what He made us for right?

“By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.” Romans 5:1-2

We are left vulnerable, but not alone. I can’t put in to words everything that God did this past weekend, but one thing is for sure: I have never heard or seen God so clearly as I have to date. I think seeds were planted, some that the fruit will be seen immediately but others I won’t fully understand until months or years down the road. I am confident in what He is doing, I feel parts of my heart mending as He gently speaks into them, “I adore you.”

“There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!” Romans 5:3-5