Accept Healing…Don't just look at it.

For the last few days, I have noticed a slight cold coming on, something I have been trying to fight since I realized it was happening. The welcoming of summer intersected with an unwelcome illness. Nonetheless, life goes on and work must take place. Every morning I walk Franci to school, a short time but always beautiful. Not to mention her school overlooks the Colosseum, a detail I often point out to show how God has blessed the family. As routine, yesterday we walked to school. We talked. We memorized a bible verse (which is nothing short of amazing!). And we said hello to our friend who sits at the bottom of the stairs that lead to her school. As I dropped her off, I walked back into what I thought was going to be my normal walk back home. I put my headphones in and began to walk when my thoughts were interrupted by the kindness and generosity of our friend. He speaks broken Italian. I hardly speak Italian. So, our communication is a result of our mad skills in hand gestures. He didn’t say much, but he reached out his hand, I thought to shake mine good-bye, but in it he had a candy. I thanked him repeatedly as I know he doesn’t have much to call his own. Of course, in that moment…and as a child of the 21st century, I thought “I have to instagram this! God is so faithful to teach me how to be generous with little.” He is teaching me that in more ways than I can count. Stripping me of all the ways I would “give” to others, and showing me the blessing of new ways to be generous when I don’t have a dollar to my name. I promised myself, I would save this piece of candy as a remembrance of God showing me His love and grace in this time. As true as it is, that God provides even when we have nothing to give, I missed the biggest point He was trying to teach me, until this morning.

Again, our friend met us with a “Ciao” and a candy for both Franci and I. I was so grateful and thanked him again. But as I began to walk back home, I had a moment of realization. This candy that I promised I would save and look at to remember God’s faithfulness, wasn’t a candy. It was wrapped like a candy, but inside held something I didn’t expect. Healing. This cute little piece of candy with writing that didn’t made any sense, was actually a cough drop. Instead of giving me something I can look at to remember Him, God was offering me something I could use in the healing He wanted to offer. It was like God was saying, 
“Yes, that would be cute if you kept it in a box and let it rot forever. But I want to give you something that will actually bring you healing, not just a visual of what healing looks like.”

Sometimes God offers healing in unexpected places, but in order to be healed we must accept the process in which God will allow healing to begin. For me, it was not just accepting the cough drop, but allowing myself to begin the healing process with it. No, it wasn’t a magical cough drop and I am not completely healed physically yet, but I realized as much as God offers healing we must allow ourselves to step into it with Him. God is faithful in offering, we must be faithful in receiving, even when it doesn’t make sense, or comes from a place we don’t expect.

Healing isn’t just a pretty piece of candy that can be saved and looked at to hope that God will one day heal you. That cough drop wouldn’t do my healing any good if I just looked at it. God doesn’t give us the promise of healing so we can see how cool it would be if He healed us. He says “here, eat this and allow healing to begin.” Where does God want to heal you? What ways is He offering to? Accept it. Begin the healing. So all in all…Eat the cough drop, people!  

Three Years with Jesus!

Three years ago on May 14, 2011. I sat alone and convicted in my room overlooking the mountains in Snowmass, Colorado. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, and I had come to the end of me. I didn’t know where else to turn, so with the energy I could muster, I cried, “Fine, Jesus, let’s do this.” Nothing had worked, so I said yes. The road of “me” immediately ended, and little did I know what was ahead. All He wanted was for me to acknowledge that He had better, and we started running in the opposite direction, changing everything I knew about life. Fading out the lies, He spoke truth in their place. Looking back, I can only see His face. He led me out of darkness, and brought me into life. He covers my past, He died for my mistakes, and He is all I want to see no matter where I am looking. His hand of mercy, so strong and sure, led me to…

Today. I sit alone and in awe in my room overlooking the terraces of my neighbors in Rome, Italy. May 14, 2014 marks three years of “Me and Jesus,” as my phone so beautifully reminded me this morning as I awoke. I’m not at all where I thought I would be, but I am where I’m supposed to be. Thank God that He sees beyond my selfish, narrow-minded, prayers of want to guide me to where He knows is best. Who knew that “finding myself” and finding all of Him would be lived out in this beautiful country. My dream was to visit. God uses our dreams to give us purpose and to bring glory to His name. I remember a friend saying when I was about 13 years old, “God doesn’t give us desires that He won’t fill.” I’ve never known that to be truer. 

At the core of everything I desired, in any given moment in my life, was always Him. 

He knows that. We are wired with the innate longing for our Savior. He knew that when I got down to the nitty-gritty of what I truly wanted in life it would be Him. Then Italy came, on a beautiful silver platter, but I knew that accepting it was recognizing the reality that everything was changing. Accepting Jesus in my heart was accepting the journey we would take together (though I didn’t know that at the time)… the good, the bad, the hard, and the joy. I would have never guessed in my wildest dreams that I would be where I am. True, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. No, I don’t know the next step I’m taking when I leave Italy. But God called me on to this beautiful and intricately woven road, so I trust Him to lead the way. I’ve realized the joy of walking with Jesus begins with the fact that I don’t have to have it all together to be loved by Him. If that were the case I would never be worthy enough to be called His. He calls us though we are weak and sinful into a life of joy and promise.

If I’m being honest, I had a lot more to say but realizing the gravity of where God has brought me I leaving me nothing short of speechless. He took me from the Rocky Mountains to Rome, Italy to prove that His dreams for me are bigger than I could dream for myself. 

He took me from the bars in Athens, GA to a church in Atlanta, Georgia to show He is worthy of all of my praise. 

He brought me from depression, from self-hatred, from screaming voices of lies and wrapped my identity in Him and deemed me worthy of love. 

He took me from death to life and made a way in everlasting unity with Him. 

Really, all I can say is, 3 years with Jesus has changed everything. I have a feeling that it doesn’t end any time soon. So, all I can do is keep my eyes on Him and trust He knows more, He sees more, and He loves more. He is good! He is worthy! Realizing that this is just the beginning, I will just hold on tightly and enjoy this beautiful ride. Happy Anniversary Jesus :) 

"We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand - out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise!" Romans 5:1

Slain...

“I come, God, I come

Return to the Lord

The One who’s broken

The One who’s torn me apart

You strike down to bind me up

You say you do it all in love

That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me

Yet I praise you

Though you take from me

I will bless your name

Though you ruin me

Still I worship

Sing a song to the One who’s all I need"

 - Shane and Shane

For the last 48 hours I have been amazed that a song has been written that sums it all up. Everything I know about life is changing. Everything I clung to has been ripped out of my hands. Everything I identified myself with, has faded. Everything I knew about me has been wrecked and ruined. I am ruined. Everything I never wanted to face, is staring me down. Everything I have been running away from, God is intentionally making me sit in and feel. I sit helpless in the Arms of Life and I can offer nothing because I came to the end of my road the moment I stepped on a plane to Italy. Life passes with immeasurable uncertainty, and I am told to trust. I have been left with nothing, but been given everything. I have hope. I have grace. I have experienced what it feels like to be alone with Jesus and the beauty that He offers. I am in a place where I want nothing more than to cling to Him with every ounce of by being. He is the only thing in life that makes sense. He brings beauty in the storm. He is showing me how to love when I don’t feel like it. He is showing me what His love looks like when I am too stubborn to see. He is slowly taking blinders off to show me how massively perfect His plan is. He is my constant. He is everything.

I remember bible study with my girls, always saying we were “slain.” Haha! We would always say that when God is just going all out, and we couldn’t handle it. Well, God is going all out, and it is absolutely painful. Now, I know you must be thinking, how painful can it be when you are in Rome, Italy? I realize my circumstances, and I am beyond grateful for them. In God’s beautifully orchestrated plan He knew this place would be farthest from my mind in terms of “where I saw myself in _____ number of years.”

My dreams never consisted of Italy. But God’s dreams always consisted of me.

He wanted ALL of me, not just the few parts I would allow Him to take control over. I held on to half of me, He got the leftovers. I grasped control and the narrow-minded vision of what life with Jesus looked like, and I allowed Him to chime in when it wasn’t working out quite right. I... I ... I… Rome is the place where God replaced the ‘I’ with ‘Himself,’ not because I came to the altar and handed over everything so perfectly, but because He had the grace to see beyond my vision of life and take me out before it overtook me. Everything looks different. Yes, I am living in a beautiful city. Yes, I am in the most painful place I’ve ever faced in my life. I am being ruined, uprooted, torn and slain.

God sees me in my potential, but He loves me in my progress.

I fight a daily battle with the me I have been called out of, the ‘me’ that I’ve known for 27 years, the ‘me’ that is used to getting what she wants. My fight isn’t ceasing, in fact, it is increasing, but God is proving His strength to be greater than I could have ever imagined. I don’t have the strength on my own to deal with a screaming 3 year old, let alone the voices screaming in my head. I am completely incapable of succeeding in this season of life on my own. I know on the other end, I will only be able to praise Jesus for the transformation He is allowing. So, in the midst of being ruined, broken, slain, and torn, I will worship.

I can stand because Jesus died. He paid everything. He, too, was broken, ruined, slain, and torn, not for Himself, but for me. I can fight this fight because an empty grave says He already won the war. I can stand on the crashing waves because His nail-scared hands hold me up. I can be blinded to what is next because His vision sees beyond the here-and-now into my forever with Him.

He is seated in the end of my battle yet He carries me through the present. 

Pain still hurts, but pain with purpose births beauty. His pain was for me. I will trust Him. I will praise Him. I will sing a song to the One who’s all I need.

My Italian Miracle

It was time…FINALLY! My first Italian vacation with amazing friends to Venice!! Stepping, once again, into the unknown, I had never felt more prepared. I knew God anointed this trip, and prepared the way for us to go. I was ready; I was so pumped. We arrived at the airport to pick up the car around 12:00 where Friday excitement was soon met with challenge. The car rental place wanted to charge us 800 EURO…yes 800…for a deposit to take the car off the lot. Let’s all say it together…ain’t nobody got time fo dat! After frantically calling family members and talking to the agents, they told us we could buy the insurance and only put down a 300 euro deposit to be held on the car. Ellie’s amazing dad quickly transferred money and we were able to get on the road around 1:30. In that moment I realized, my plans for this trip had been quickly shifted to the wayside. 

As we managed to successfully drive out of the city, I was mostly silent and in constant awe of the country and position God has placed me in. First, I was driving, something anyone who knows me knows I love to do…probably more than the average person. Second, I was in Italy driving through mountain ranges that stretched beyond the sky. My eyes and heart in pure wonder over the God who had the vision to create such a stunning work. With road signs that didn’t make sense, and a view that often distracted me, we safely arrived at our Hotel in Venice. As excited I was to get away for the first time, nothing could have prepared me for what Burano and Venice had to offer. A small island in Venice called Burano, I had seen pictures of these colorful houses and beautiful landscapes but I was dumbfounded when an image became reality. I know my friends probably thought I was rude, but many times I couldn’t speak because I was so in awe. The colors of the houses, the water as the sun glistens on the waves, the fact that the roads are in the water FOR THE BOATS not cars, there are no words. I couldn’t help but send some praise and congratulations up to God throughout the whole day for being brilliantly beautiful in His masterpiece. My apologies in advance, but I will NOT stop talking about this place!!

Amongst the joy, God quickly showed what it means to truly be in awe of Him. He showed us what trust without borders looks like when you put it in to action. We spent an incredible weekend in Venice, celebrating friendship, praising Jesus and celebrating Julia’s birthday!! It was so blessed! We headed home, with memories and joy in our hearts from what God allowed us to see over the few days! I thought that leaving would have been the high of the trip, but it turns out that in desperate times, God showed up even greater and even more beautifully! We set off on our 6.5 hour trip back to Rome, happy, exhausted, and filled with joy. About 3 hours in, the car started making noise, and we pulled over only to find that a screw had gotten stuck in the tire. And the best part is that He isn’t finished…. He is just getting started. May my eyes be open to see beyond my circumstance into the greatest purposes of He who has called me.

The nicest people came to help us, amongst the broken English and broken Italian, we were able to communicate. We decided to carry on and continue to drive as the screw was already to far in the car. All I could say was “it will be a miracle when we pull in to that parking deck at the airport, girls!” We kept driving but about 30 minutes down the road we heard the dreaded sound of air quickly seeping out of the tire. We had to pull over, and began to call family members and insurance companies to figure out what to do. In the meantime, God was holding us in the palms of his hands and keeping us safe. Pulled off into a ditch on the side of the road, I unsuccessfully tried to change the tire while waiting for the nice person to come help. I know, patience isn’t my forte. The sweetest little non-English speaking Italian man came to our rescue. He changed our tire within 3 minutes…I starred at the flat tire longer than it took him to finish completely change it! He finished, but then began to warn us that we CAN NOT go farther than 50 km before we need to change the tire. He hand-motioned a “kaboom” that the car would break if we went to far. With 250 km to go, I began to worry. I am not a car expert, but I know I would not like to go “kaboom” with the car. Overwhelmed with what we were about to face, I only knew to pray. I realized this whole situation was out of my control and God had provided me an ample opportunity to trust and surrender. This was the moment I had been praying for that looked completely opposite of what I expected. I remember praying that I would see God’s face. It is a lot easier to focus on His when mine isn’t in the way. I handed Julia my phone to play a song and without knowing anything God was speaking over me, she began to play “Oceans.” Within the next 10 minutes my mom texted to say they had just played “Oceans” at PCC as well. I was stunned, silent, and in a constant state of surrender. I gripped the wheel and prayed that God would have His way, that I would know His strength. I battled doubt and fear for 5 hours of the drive, constantly having to refocus that God had control over the situation. My heart skipped a beat every bump we hit, but we continued on. 250 km later, we pulled in to the airport-parking garage completely in awe and overwhelmed by the miracle we had just witnessed. I couldn’t fully process what happened last night, but God keeps bringing prayers I’ve prayed to mind, and He was more than specific in His answering them. He was there. I saw His face glistening on the waters in the same way I saw it on the spare tire we found in the trunk of the car. I got to witness beauty in joy and beauty in pain. I had a plan, but God knew better, He always does. I am blessed to be able to say that I am alive right now and that we made it safely home only because of God. There is no other possible explanation as to how anything happened. He put us in that situation so our faith would be sure and our trust would grow stronger, and ultimately that He alone would get the glory… and with all that is in me I will praise and exalt His precious name.

I Was Supposed To….

At this moment, I am currently sitting at my house in Rome. I’m not complaining by any means, but my family is currently on vacation in the mountains where I was supposed be this week as well. I’ve had a full range of emotions since they left: sad because the mountains are my happy place, excited because I get to rest and be alone, annoyed because I have been sick for 3 weeks (hence why I am staying home, doctors orders), and many others.

And, for a split second I believed I am not where I am supposed to be. I prayed that I would be able to go on this trip, with that gut feeling that it won’t go the way I planned it. When the doctor said I was too sick to leave Rome, I felt as though she just punched me in the stomach.

“But God, it’s the MOUNTAINS! Remember, I love them. This will be bonding time with the family and I! I don’t want them to be put out because I’m not there. And God… IT IS THE MOUNTAINS!”

Prayers answered, but not how I wanted. “But God, I’m SUPPOSED to be in the mountains right now.” The words flooded out so quickly, and like the gracious Father He is, God stopped me in my tracks.

I’m not where I’m supposed to be….statistics say, I am supposed to be married with 2.5 children, I am supposed to have a steady job, I am supposed to have enough money saved up to feed a small country, I am supposed to….supposed to…supposed to…

The reality is, my “supposed to” is now irrelevant. Into my rant about where I am “supposed to be” God breathed these words….

When you step into immeasurably more you step out of “supposed to” and into surrender.

With God our cup overflows. When we accept living in immeasurably more, we must loosen our grip to where we are “supposed to be.” With open hands, we allow God to work outside of the confines of expectation. From my point of view, I believed that I was “supposed to be” in the mountains…but that is exactly it…it was from my point of view: limited and narrow minded. I can’t see beyond what I can see… what I choose to see.

That is the bonus of surrender, my eyes can be shut to direction but I’m being guided by the One who sees all, is in all, and created all. It is hard not to trust Him…yet it is hard to trust. I know that in my mind, I was supposed to be somewhere else this week.

But if I was always where I believed I was supposed to be, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

Rome. Italy. Immeasurably More. Being refined in His fire. Challenged. My life is the proof that God sees beyond my view point and into His perfect plan. I’m “supposed to be” a lot of things, but that was thrown to the wayside when I said “Yes” to Him. So, I can settle knowing I’m right where I need to be, in immeasurably more where nothing makes sense and God gets all the glory!

Month Two in the Beautiful, Painful Unknown.

Two-Month Trial

Looking back, I can 100% see why God didn’t allow me to open my eyes to what He had planned for me. I can honestly say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I would have known what was on the horizon, I would have run the opposite way…very, very quickly. God didn’t open my eyes to Italy until after I arrived, and even then He allowed me to see through the lens with squinty eyes and blurred vision.  My eyes are open yet limited. Praise God in the Heavenly realms, He knows best. So often in unknown places we subject ourselves to stumbling, failure, and awkwardness. As a self proclaimed “runner,” not necessarily in the working out sense, but in the run away from everything that is uncomfortable sense, God knew better than to tell me what was coming. I feel as if I was sleep-walking into Italy with my eyes closed being guided solely by Him, and awoke to find uncertainty, unknown, uneasiness, and every other “un” word out there. Yet into this gap of uncharted territory, God spoke.

He spoke.

I heard because I could finally listen without distraction.

When God says He wants all of us, don’t be surprised when He manages to get you all to Himself.  God spoke truth, “I will lead you to the wilderness.” Yes, yes I would say this is most definitely a wilderness. A beautiful wilderness rooted in rich history, and just as the trees in the far-most corners of a wilderness, these roads I walk have thousands of years of stories to tell. People we read about in the Bible and history books lived and died in this very city. This city is my miracle in the wilderness.

We trust in faith the miracles that we plan for, but where is our trust in the miracles we don’t plan? We believe God to give us immeasurably more in the measured out details we have planned for ourselves. But when God gives us more than we can measure, how do we handle it? So often, we reject it because we are incapable of trusting beyond limitations. If we allow this fear to debilitate our walk, we are just a body stumbling through life.

What if Paul, who was miraculously called by God to preach this good news, was too afraid or limited God on how he trusted Him? I am certain I would not have been standing in his Basilica looking at his grave.

World changers don’t conform, they reform.

Paul, in chains wrote, “Now to HIM who is ABLE to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine.” I don’t believe that Paul would have expected to be in prison for much of him ministry, but He didn’t question God’s purpose. Why? I believe Paul knew that no matter the prison or chains He was held in, God holds no limitations.  I don’t think we expect to be in chains for the gospel when we ask God to give us immeasurably more, but what if He does? What if His immeasurably more looks immeasurably less by the world’s standards? What if our bank account holds less than the average person? What if the life we planned when we were 15 looks completely different now that we are in our 20’s? God has taken so many things away, to make me understand the beauty of traveling light. We may not have much, but that gives us the freedom to open our hands and hold out our cup for God to overflow with His spirit. He yearns for our whole self; He walks us steady on the path of complete dependence. Free of burden, sinking in grace, He calls us to live lives that don’t waver in adversity.

God spoke, “I will lead you to the wilderness” but He didn’t stop there. He continued with “and speak tenderly to you.” “I will refine you in the fire.” This two-month trail is the beginning of something still unknown to me. There is pruning, and fire, and wilderness, yet there is Jesus. I may not know what I have gotten myself into, but I have never been more confident of the strength of my Savior.

So, two months in…I know so little, yet the borders of my trust and the walls around my heart have slowly begun to fade.

WHAT IS LIFE?!

As conversations have unfolded just over the last few days, I have realized so many amazing people in my life are in the same place as I, the "I don't know what is happening chaos of living in your 20's-30's!" There are two groups that most all of my friends fall under: The “I'm getting married/having babies” stage or the “I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, everything is changing so quickly” stage. Since I have no expertise in group number 1, I will just stand amazed in the power and faithfulness of God in your life! That being said, group número due (number 2 in Italian.. I know... I'm almost bilingual!) - I feel you! With every ounce of my being, I understand.

We hear people speak on how beautiful it is to be in the unknown or to have the space to “find yourself”… we support those in these times and pray for their strength to carry on… and then, we too, enter this “stage” and it doesn’t seem as beautiful as it sounds. It is actually painful. And difficult. And a whirlwind. And we settle in the unknown because God is pulling back the parts of our lives that were never “us” in the first place. God has recently confirmed that I am not alone, but it leaves me wondering what do I do?

He has settled me on the far side of the sea, in the most unsettling way. In one plane ride, He everything changed. I, the queen of travel and adventure, now stand alone and scared living in the answer to my prayers. And this is exactly where God wanted me. I have nothing I would have reached for back home, and even if I try I come up empty. Why? Because God knows that reaching for anything else besides Him will fall short of the longings in my heart anyway. How beautiful that He would take me out of my “known” into the whirlwind of grace that He offers in uncertainty. I have chatted to so many people and we all have one thing in common, NOTHING MAKES SENSE. For many of you, you didn’t even have to move anywhere to feel this way about this stage you currently sit in. The life that at one point provided everything we needed is now taken away, the jobs that once filled us have left a void, and the people we looked to for advice or even approval have disappeared into thin air. We are in a wilderness, coming up dry of things that once used to spring us back to life. And God has succeeded. Not in a “mawhaha I ruined you life” way, but in a “FINALLY, I have you where I want you” way. I finally asked Him, “God why must you bring me to the wilderness to find myself.” His response, short and perfect, “I didn’t take you to the wilderness to find yourself, I brought you into the wilderness to find me. Only when you find me, will you realize the ‘You’ I created you to be.”

The painful process of constantly peeling back the layers of ‘me’ that hid my most delicate and raw being. Just like an onion, He is peeling back layers and layers of the protection I formed against who I really am. Day by day, He rips another Band-Aid off my heart to give Him space for the renovation that He is performing. I am in a space to find myself, in a place that so many yearn for and I have no idea what I look like. I don’t know what my dreams are, I don’t know what I like to do for fun, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, and the list can continue on for days. I don’t know anything about me. I just keep reaching. Yearning for Him. Though this process leaves me in pain most days, I know it is not in vain.

I may not know much about this season of our life but I am certain of a few things: God isn't giving us all of the answers because He wants our undivided trust. He isn't showing us the steps to take past the tips of our noses because He wants us to walk in the faithfulness of right now! Have you ever thought about that? Right now, in this very moment, He wants to bless you, He has blessed you. He is in the chaos with you, but He also sees beyond that to the calm at the end of the storm. We are coming up short because He is changing everything. The life we once knew has turned to rubble, because He is preparing us! For what? Haha I wish I knew the answer, hence why this season is so unknown. But how patient is He to walk with us in the preparation for something greater.

My prayer for all of us is that we can settle in the uncertainty. Even in the midst of chaos, He is our constant. Meaning, if you reach for Him…He is there. He will always be there. We don’t have to strain our eyes to see what is coming, we can grasp hold of the hand that walks with us right now and is enough for us in this moment. You are not alone. I am not alone. Trust this beautiful, painful, preparation process of grace. You are a force for good.We may feel as though everything is changing but God is at work to show the world THROUGH our lives the power of who He truly is. It may look completely different but that is because God cannot be contained to the small box size lives we may be living. You have what it takes because of the power of the Holy Spirit  that lives within you! Let Him work. Stand back and be amazed!