I'll Start Monday...

Day 460

I’ll start Monday…

How many times have I said this in my lifetime… approximately every single Friday night…or Tuesday morning…or when I want sweets… so every day that is not Monday! Why do I do this? To me, it seems like I am just buying myself time to be bad in anticipation of starting to be good the following days. Even last week, I found myself saying this and realized there is something a lot deeper that Satan is trying to do in my head when I put off these necessary changes in the right direction. To me, its an excuse. To Satan, it is a nasty lie that is going deeper and deeper into my head saying that, “You’ve gone too far now, you can turn around. You’re not good enough to make these changes so you might as well just stick to your old ways and get over yourself.”

I recently started reading a book called, “Made To Crave,” and in that have soooo realized that my “craving” for food or attention or anything for that matter, is due to the reality that I am made to crave. God made us to want so badly it hurts, but the problem comes when our cravings are directed toward the wrong things… pretty much anything but Him. I know that may seem trivial for some, but for me that was such an eye-opener.  All these battles I’ve faced for years and years have been a misplaced need for Jesus. Say What?!? Now the hard part, is knowing that and changing everything that I’ve ever told myself was acceptable. “I’m not feeling good, I’ll eat some chocolate. I’ve had a bad day, I’ll get some Starbucks. It’s dark outside so I deserve sweets. I woke up today…therefore I deserve _____” … fill in the blank. My head is a downward spiral of excuses and I wonder how I got to where I am. Good one, Satan. It is the little excuses we make that turn into a life of less than the greatness that God intended for us. What. A. Revelation. I wrote a quote from the book down, and have been trying to embed this truth into my brain. The author said, “The more we operate in the truth of who we are and the reality that we were made for more, the closer to God we’ll become!”

BAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! We are made for more. I am made for more than this reoccurring defeat of not being able to successfully keep weight off or insecurities within myself. This truth is that we can’t do it, we will not be successful on our own. But, our hope in successfully defeating these emotional beat-downs that Satan is so quick to issue is the fact that there is an empty tomb, a risen savior, and unending grace for when we fail. It took me till about 2 weeks ago to realize that the power that raised Jesus from the dead is in me…. What is stopping me? The power that brought sight to the blind, the power that walked on water, the power that defeated death… DEFEATED DEATH. THAT power is in me… !!!!!! So with that knowledge and that power, there will be change. Let me tell you, since realizing this Satan has been on beat-down-Kristi overload. I mean I walked outside and it freaking smelt like French fries only to turn around and see a giant sundae on a billboard… COME ON!! Haha In that moment I finally understood something that Louie Giglio said at church last week, “The enemy lie you into the hole but don’t let him doubly lie to you and tell you that you have to continue to walk in it!”  I CAN CONQUER THIS! Not because of power of my ability, but Power from my perfect Savior who is waiting for His power to be made perfect in my weakness. I will gladly boast in Him, cause I know there is no other way I can be victorious amongst the screams to fall back into the pit. So, Satan, get out of my head…I have work to do! Let’s do this, Jesus! 

Can't get no satisfaction...

Struggle. A word that each of us are all too accustomed to. Recently, I have been under the influence of this word in many ways but most awfully in finding complete satisfaction in God. Saying...well typing...this makes me think of just how stupid it sounds. How could I not be satisfied in the One who gave everything He had for me..unworthy, unlovable me? Why do I struggle in finding complete satisfaction in His Word, His love, and His Heart. I had a 5 hour car ride from Woodstock to Hinesville, GA to think about this answer and only one thing came to mind..... This world. Society. Our sinful nature. Satan. Ok, maybe a lot more than one thing, but they can all be rolled together in a great big ball of temptation. I can not discount that Satan is at work in this world and trying to use every power of his to minimize our faith and our hope in Jesus. Finding satisfaction in Jesus is so hard, because it is Satan's goal to refocus our eyes on things we do not have...i'll be the first to admit it. I think my problem is that He is so worthy and I am so...Not...It just doesn't seem possible. But this struggle in finding satisfaction stems from the lies that Satan is dangling in my face - you don't have ___ then you are not good enough. 

In this car ride down to the boonies, I still struggled with the back and forth argument with my heart and my head. My heart wants so badly to live 100% in awe of my Jesus, but my head still sees the worldly things being flashed around seeming so obtainable. The answer FINALLY hit me....it was like God was saying, but i'm here, isn't that enough? Don't you get it? I am here and I came for you, to love you, to know you, so why do you want more? I know this answer may seem trivial ... duh - anyone who goes to church for one sunday would realize this. But how hard is it to live out...FULLY. Wholeheartedly. 100%. This world screams with temptations of love, happiness, and momentary joy. The great part is - Jesus didn't have to scream it out. He lived it out. He died for it. He defeated death so that IT...true love, happiness, and His Joy...can be found through Him and only Him. Living in this world is hard, but the reward comes after this temporary life is lived and we get to experience joy for eternity. That is satisfaction at its finest. 

So...when satisfaction is searched for in this world, it may never truly be found. We will always have this world throwing things out way, but isn't it nice to know that in the mere search for Jesus, we can truly be satisfied...that's all it takes...just searching - to know Him more, to love Him more, to follow Him. We may now know everything, but just a part of Jesus is more than enough. Praise Jesus!

If faith can move the mountains...Let the mountains move!!!

My journal from May 14, 2011 - 

One year. One year from May 14, 2011 - resume dating. No dating, no nothing...at all. Just me and God figuring out this thing that we call life. I realize this is probably going to be the hardest year of my life, but I am His and I am beautiful to Him. I am not a commodity, I am His child and His love. I owe Him all of me and I'm starting with this year. I can finally say I am ready for this transformation. I'm not here to waste anyone's time, especially not the One who has lifted me from the depths of dispair and was waiting for me with open arms to come back. So, here we go...This is officially day #1 - Me and God...Let's Do This!!

Today!! May 14, 2012

One year...aka 52 weeks...aka 365 days...aka 525,948.766 minutes - is OVER!! May 14, 2011 God put it on my heart to undertake a task that I never thought I would see the end of...give up dating for a year. Now, to some people this may not seem like a big deal - but to the people who knew me 366 days ago...this was a HUGE deal. No dating, no NOTHING...one year! Some of my friends laughed in my face when I told them, others were extremely supportive (thank you more than words can say to those who were... seriously would not have made it without your prayers and guidance!)- but even I didn't realize at the time the true meaning behind why I got myself into this awful whole year without dating deal...but God did. My  reasoning was pretty much because nothing else was working - isn't that when we turn to God? When everything is going wrong and we can't seem to figure it out ourselves? Only at that point did I let God step in and unbeknownst to myself - it was a year that would begin with a focus on dating and relationships and change into something so much more powerful, so much more eternal.

Many of you know the story behind this "year thing" but I'll sum it up for those of you who haven't heard. I was back home for a few days in my off season from Aspen, and I was at the lakehouse with some of my friends. I can't remember how we got on the subject but my bffl Brittany started telling me about a new series that Andy Stanley had started called "The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating." (If the title alone doesn't reel you in...we have problems.) She was talking about how great it was and that I should really listen to it. All I needed to hear was the title and I was ready to go! So, I promised I would listen and on my drive from Woodstock to Aspen (yes...26 hours) I decided to plug it in and see what Andy had to say.

Approximately 25 minutes and 15 seconds into part one of this series, I was pulled over on the side of the road balling my eyes out. God has broken me to my core in a matter of seconds. Andy had just finished a story about a girl who moved to Atlanta and wanted to get into the dating scene, so she decided to put God on the back-burner. Not that she didn't believe in God, but He just wasn't going to be a factor in her relationships. A while down the road she was at a gathering and met a guy who was "The whole package." She said he had the looks, the job, the personality and he was a Christian. She went home to tell her mom about this guy and her mother turned to her and said...wait for it...

"A guy like him, isn't looking for a girl like you."

Don't think I need to repeat that one... but I will..."A guy like him...isn't looking for a girl like you."

DANNNNNG! If God can come down and slap sense into someone, He did it to me as soon as those words left Andy's mouth. I was floored, not just by that sentence, but by the fact that that girl was me... I had no direction, I didn't care what God had for me, and I was so content on going it alone proving to everyone and to God that I could do things all by myself. HA! The guilt and shame that covered me screamed that I was never worthy of any of these great things God had planned. I did this to myself...I was this way now and forever and there was no changing the crazy Kritty09 who had prided herself on having the most guys, drinking the most at parties, and spending every last dime for momentary satisfaction.

But God broke through those lies, dispelled the darkness, and placed this truth on my heart - "I have something so much better for you...better than you can ever imagine." So, the next week as the newest part of the series came out, Andy challenged the guys who were listening to take a year off of dating. I automatically threw myself in that category since I thought about dating like all the guys I had known...temporary, get it while you can, and be done with it in the morning. So, I took the challenge. Like guys...I always like a good challenge and this one was the mother of all challenges.

So fast forward to today. I get to look back and be absolutely amazed at Jesus. He didn't have to...but He did. He didn't have to wait for me...but He did. He didn't have to pull me from a pit that I dug and was drowning in...but He did. He didn't have to meet me where I was...in a place of pure darkness and patiently guide me into the light...but He did! HE DID!! And the thought of it brings me to tears, because I get to look back and not be bound by the chains of the past, but free to share His story of redemption through me. Many people have asked what I have learned this past year, and all I can ask is how much time they have. Trying to sum up this monstrous undertaking that God did, can't even be touched by my insanely small vocabulary, but I will try.

1) God is able! God...Is...Able. My problem, before this year, was I tried to replace God in that sentence with Kristi. No, Kristi is not able...Kristi is human and fails! When God stepped into the picture, he brought change with him. Change that I was neither prepared for nor excited about, but it came like a ton of bricks and there was no stopping it! "When divine interruptions happen, lives are transformed"- Christine Caine. How genius is this? Christine said this when she spoke at the Passion Conferences in January and these words have rung in my ear as truth ever since. Sometimes these divine interruptions may seem like an interference - but either way you look at it my life needed a brutal smackdown, attitude adjustment, and focus shifting - who better than God to apply this :)

2) God's plan over Kristi's plan - when weighing my options its humorous to think the latter was even considered, but up to this point a year ago that is all I cared about. What did I want, what did I need, what satisfied me the most at the time. SUCH A JOKE! Kristi's plan = temporary. God's plan = eternal. God offers us an amazing life in Him so that we can be a part of something that is so much greater than ourselves. Who doesn't want that? That is what I was searching for all these years but was too stubborn to care about where to find it. Control is no longer mine, it is His and I don't have to stress about anything...and I'm...FINALLY... completely okay with that!

3) I am nothing...He is everything. I am His. I love the song "Forgiven and Loved" by Jerrod Neihman (sp?) it says: "On calvary I stand, empty pockets, open hands, oh there is no condemnation for me!"What beautiful words to represent the perfect heart of my savior. I am not condemned, I am His, I am Whole, and I am forgiven and loved! I did nothing to get me to this point, but He has done everything. Dang - Jesus is amazing! In my darkest hour, He patiently waited for me and welcomed me back...broken and bruised but to Him I was beautiful. I am His.

4) If faith can move the mountians... LET THE MOUNTAINS MOVE!! I got to wake up to the sight of the Colorado Rockies for almost a year and a half, but even to see one of them actually move wouldn't have been as spectacular as what Jesus has done in my life in this past year. I guess this entry is my thankful heart to Him. All I can give is all of me - He already gave all of Himself to rescue this drowning soul - so it begins...the rest of my life. I don't have the shield of "Oh, I'm not dating for a year" anymore... But I have His strength and His promise that He will guide me through.

This year starts with "The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating" and just ended with a new series from Louie Giglio at Passion City called, "Boy Meets Girl." Ironic? No. Isn't God funny with how he moves us? Just a little send off into the world of dating - just in case you forgot anything - here is a few more weeks of information for you to take with you in your journey! In both of these series' I experienced Jesus' heart for me. He has the best in mind. No, I can't read the end of the book to make sure everything turns out okay, but I do know the writer of my script. If He says it's all going to work out, I will put my full faith in that hope!

So, here we go! Me and Jesus - and I'm SOOO EXCITED to see what He has in store! It is greater than I could ever know and I know whatever it is I am not alone :) Let's Do This!!

God Is Able

GOD IS ABLE!!

“God is Able

He will never fail

He is almighty God

Greater than all we seek

Greater than all we ask

He has done great things

Lifted up, He defeated the grave

Raised to life, our God is able

In His name, we overcome

For the Lord, our God is able

God is with us

God is on our side

He will make a way

Far above all we know

Far above all we hope

He has done great things"

This song by Hillsong has been ringing in my ears for the last few weeks. God is able. I don’t know if before this whole “year thing” I would have ever considered this to be true but now I can see it becoming more and more of a reality in my life. God is able, He can, and He will…only if we believe. Looking back on just this year alone, God is able. He took a confused, searching, insecure girl and turned my life upside down, only to say, “I have so much more for you than you can even imagine.” The whole concept of trust did not come easily for me. It is hard enough, sometimes, to trust people you come in contact with everyday, so having to say I trust this God who loves me, died for me, and rose to defeat death…for me, but oh, I’ve never seen Him, never come into contact with Him, and never heard His voice was somewhat difficult. What’s the saying “hindsight is 20-20?” You see, as I look back and see how far away I was from even caring about God and what He had planned for me, I can do nothing but trust and believe in Him because of how far He has taken me away from the pit I was in for so long. He waited for me. He took me little by little through the pain I had inflicted on myself and washed it away with His love. So, yes, I believe with all my heart that God is Able! 

God can take this waiting period (which everyone knows I’m not exactly fond of waiting) and turn it into a gift. Yep – I said it. Waiting is a gift – Why? Because there are too many things me and God need to work out to become who He wants me to be! So, for that, I am thankful! Waiting for what you might ask… and I can say with humbled certainty that I don’t know, but God does. How do I know… he told me… and you J “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I don’t know about you, but it’s always nice to feel hope in situations that are out of your reach. So again… I will wait. With the hope that God is able to do whatever He has planned, and that plan is greater than I can imagine!! How exciting! God is able. He can. He will. 

Faith!

Faith.

This word has been haunting me in the best way possible over the past few days. I keep wrestling with the question of, “what does it mean to have unwavering faith?” More than anything I’ve ever wanted, I want that. Not because it’s the cool thing to do, cause it’s not. Not because I want to make myself look better to my peers. But I want this unwavering faith because without it, my relationship with God will only be an ounce of water compared to the oceans and rivers that he wants to provide me. I want faith like Abraham – faith enough to bring his son to the altar and sacrifice him, knowing all the while that God is worth it and he will provide. I want faith like Esther – faith to leave everything she knew to live in the palace to not just sit around and be pampered but to change the course of history for her people and save them from death.

How hard does that seem? It doesn’t seem that difficult to put total and complete faith in the One who is standing next to you guiding every step you take to ensure His grace and mercy be poured out into your life. So, why is it so hard? I have been playing this mind game for the last few days – my mind is telling me it is not enough but in my heart I know it is an over-abundance of enough. To have enough faith – as small as a mustard seed to move mountains, faith enough to watch miracles before your eyes, faith to hope for the future and not doubt. I. Want. That. I know it is in me, so what is holding me back. I feel like I have good and bad days – some days I’m so sure of my faith that I feel like I’m on cloud 9 – soaking up all God has for me. Other days, it’s hard for me to see past the tip of my nose without doubting where I am headed. I don’t know what it is – but whatever this hindrance is – I’m gonna need it to leave. This faith I so longingly search for is within my reach, I can feel it. Although it does not happen in an instant, I know this faith is waiting, and I’m ready. Ready to not have an ounce of doubt. Ready to stand knowing I may fall but God is standing tall in my failure. I don’t want me to shine, I want Him to be known and his renown to be shown through my struggles, excitement, pain, and love. To Him be the glory… and nothing more. 

One Week....

One week…

Nowadays, we don’t give time enough credit. Not only that, we don’t give God enough credit in what He can do with the short time that we are given. One day to one person may seem like an eternity to another. I sat in church one short week ago on fire for what God was going to do in my life. And till today, I have been taking a spiritual beating from Satan. Not only do I feel bruised, I feel like I am not worthy. Something I know not to be true, because Jesus speaks to me and says that I am. Now, it probably doesn’t help that I have been left alone with the puppies for the last few days cause my family was in Miami for WrestleMania (random… I know!) But, there is only so much I can take. 

One week ago, Jesus was my only thought and within this short period of time Satan has attacked me spiritually and mentally on every level. I can’t let him. I realize that waiting is hard, and this period in my life just leaves blank pages of uncertainty. I may have allowed Satan to steal time away, but there was one hour that I was not giving to Him and that was the hour I started listening to the “When God” series by Andy Stanley. Thank you to Brittany who told me to listen to it, but honestly, it was perfect! You see, even people who were in the presence of Jesus, knew His teachings, saw His works first hand were tested. They too felt that in their hours of uncertainty that God was no where to be found…or late when they needed Him most. In Matthew Jesus spoke to John The Baptist saying, “Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.” Meaning… these awful waiting periods are on purpose? These times of testing and uncertainty aren’t in vain? Nope. Even John The Baptist… cousin of Jesus began to doubt as he was left to rot in a prison cell. Never doubt how God wants to use that experience in the darkest, loneliest prison cells of our life.  It really all make it worth it knowing that God is never late, and the part that we are playing in the perfectly scheduled story of God will never go unnoticed! So, Satan, I hope you had fun in the few hours that you lied and said I was a good for nothing and that God could never use me or when you made me believe God doesn’t care. You can have those hours, but for the rest of my life…SEE YA! I will not stumble for the one who loves me, the one who saved me, and the one who put me in this place for a reason. BYEEEEEE!

We Raise Our White Flag!

 

“Are you sure you want to mix music and video in the same play list? Most people like to keep them separate.”

This is the screen that popped up when I was trying to put the new 27 Million music video into my music playlist. I do not know if it is not normal to want to put a music video in a music playlist, but it made me think about all the things that I keep separate in my life, and ironically since the video was about the 27 Million slaves around this world. What do we keep separate? Friends, family, God? There could be so many things that we place into their own little bubble and keep there until it is the right time for us to indulge. Keep God for Sundays, friends for every other day, and family for whenever we feel comfortable. I know I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to how I used to keep everything separated in my life. When you are living to satisfy your own personal desires, it is extremely easy to keep things/people/God in their own little pocket and take them out whenever you feel it would most benefit you. That is how I lived approximately 24-25 years of my life, spending the majority of my days deciding who to take out of my back pocket when I need. A very hard realization… my boxes limited what God could do for so long. Well, the saddest part is that I was ok with keeping Him in His own little pocket and when things weren’t going my way I would say a little prayer and close it up again. When I thought about it, why would I want to limit a limitless God? How could I put Him in His little box then get mad when He won’t do things outside of that for me? How selfish. Maybe it was because I knew I could control a situation when I already thought of the possibilities, but giving God the opportunity to do something bigger is scary. We all say we want to do something great with our life, yet live in fear that something crazy will happen.  We give ourselves boundaries, and in turn we are giving God boundaries. Can you imagine what life would look like if we didn’t have to worry about what was coming next?

Problem…everything I want to accomplish in my life and everything God has for me will never be realized if I keep God in His box. Solution – surrender. As we talked about/sang about at Passion 2012 – raising the white flag of surrender. For many of us, that means giving up what we think is best for our lives. In giving up our selfish desires, we realize how faithful God truly is, He has our best in mind…at all times. Though we may not see it, He is faithful, His plan for our lives will unfold in His timing, only if we allow Him to mold us and prepare us for the amazing life ahead! And for some of us, that means getting a little crazy and mixing our video’s in the same play list as our music. Let’s be real, I would probably die watching a video without any music…uhh…boring! Can you even remember a movie you saw without music…probably not…and even if it was playing…you were probably sleeping. But join the two together… in the same play list… and you have a beautiful blend of visual and emotional inspiration. So, I’m not going to separate them. I’m not going to keep one in a separate folder…because that is what “most people” like to do. Nope. From now on, no separation between my music and videos – no back pocket for Jesus to chill out in until I need Him – no separation between God’s will and my two feet. You are faithful, and I will go where you send me!