Hope Restored

I would just post an Instagram or short-and-sweet Facebook update, but that won’t do justice to what He did. 

So, if you’re feeling like hope is lost, like joy is far beyond reach, and you have no idea what in the world to do with the emotions you’re currently feeling, I understand. I promise, you're not alone. 

For as long as I have been home, I have been attending The Square. 3 months. Before Italy, never would I have imagined going on a retreat with a church that I had been attending for such a short time… but this is after Italy soooo life looks a little different. Evidently in the wave of reentry, 3 months brings around emotions of emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and confusion in how to transfer the new you in to old places. A lot right? Yes. In light of the insecurity and the battle in my head of a billion reasons why I shouldn’t, I went on the retreat. Suck it, Satan.

I knew two things coming into the retreat weekend: I was a mess and didn’t know why, and I needed Jesus to show up desperately. D.E.S.P.E.R.A.T.E.L.Y.

Straight out of the gate, I was aware that God’s presence was encircling us; it was hard not to notice. He didn’t want this to be just another church “retreat,” He gave us space away for perspective to see the revival that He is calling us into. What an honor. I stood amazed, yet felt so empty. How? I still can’t tell you. But, all I know is the tears were clear indicators that something inside was messed up and I was just ready to be done with it. I was tired of feeling “all of the emotions” every moment of every day without an explanation. I was worn out. I didn’t understand. I wanted consistent joy, yet felt like I was grasping for something that was merely slipping through my fingers instead. Through the tearstains from battling depression and dealing with the reentry process of being back in America, I was exhausted. I spent 3 months balancing trying to seek out joy with not being able to find purpose in my time in Italy. Because, yes, it sounds glamorous to have lived in the land so many dream to visit, but it wrecked me …in one of those “all of the emotions” type of way.

Saturday came and I was struggling. Tears began when I started to journal. All I could write was, “I feel empty but I believe something is coming.” I was clinging to whatever I could at that point. A few moments later, after trying to process what the heck was going on in my head and failing miserably, I found myself sitting on a bed weeping on the shoulder of one of my newest sweet friends. Ugly cry style, y’all. I hate not having reasons for the things I do (for the most part), so crying when I can’t figure out why I’m crying is hard. At one point she gently pointed out that this mark of reentry is one where you just feel…empty. She reminded me that this season is a balance of who you became in Italy and how that transfers back home. She reached down and the next moment opened her hand with a giving key in it. 

The word on it: 

She looked at me as she dropped it into my hand and said, “I feel like you need this.” I did. And I still do.

Saturday night was powerful. One of those nights that you try to explain to others, but the way the Holy Spirit moved can’t be described by words known to man. All I said to God was I need something. I need a word. I need to know you are here. I need freedom. I need joy. Something. Anything. I’m sick of this. From the moment we entered into the worship space, I knew The Holy Spirit was on the move. He hovered waiting for His children to open themselves to what He was about to shift in the atmosphere. The night ended with prophecy and healing. I was still grasping to my prayer when Darren called up those who have felt brokenhearted to come and be prayed over. I almost didn’t go. The enemy wanted me to think I wasn’t worthy enough to claim that that was true and that I was crazy for thinking my situation has left me heartbroken and empty. But as a faithful best friend who had no idea what had just gone through my head, Brittany looked right at me and said, “we’re goin up.” My heart was shattered, but I was still fighting the battle. With every step, I walked onto the battlefield, claiming that the lies had no place. As the Spirit moved, Darren stopped at me, held my head, and said, “HOPE.”

“I see renewed hope.” Renewed Hope. Hope Restored.

I wept.

In the next moment they began praying over those who had been struggling with depression and anxiety. Again, me. I wondered how many times they would allow me to be prayed over cause evidently they knew my life before they asked who needed prayer in these areas.

“You are Compassionate. There is Joy waiting. It is okay to laugh again.”

I wept. I wept because I wanted to laugh and mean it. I wanted to believe that joy could be mine. The longer they prayed, the more I could feel Jesus speak gently over me…

“I adore you!” I adore You.” I adore YOU.”

For the first time in my life, I believe Him. I actually believe that hope is being renewed, that He adores me, that joy is possible.

I realized I was free.

We ask for breakthrough. We pray for freedom. God in His grace, has the power to free us from the things that drag us down. In the wide-open spaces of freedom, you are left standing without the barricades that you grew so comfortable within. Our option is either to build back up the walls or embrace the fact that I look like a flailing idiot who doesn’t actually know what to do with the freedom I have prayed for for so long. From this moment on, it is my decision if I run back to the chains that God has graciously unlocked and thrown away. The walls that used to blind my eyes to hope and joy have crumbled down, and I have a choice to live in the freedom or build them back because it is more comfortable when I’m not exposed out in the open. That’s scary. But it is what He made us for right?

“By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.” Romans 5:1-2

We are left vulnerable, but not alone. I can’t put in to words everything that God did this past weekend, but one thing is for sure: I have never heard or seen God so clearly as I have to date. I think seeds were planted, some that the fruit will be seen immediately but others I won’t fully understand until months or years down the road. I am confident in what He is doing, I feel parts of my heart mending as He gently speaks into them, “I adore you.”

“There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!” Romans 5:3-5

The God Gaps

When you're a part of the work set in motion by the creator of the universe, letting go becomes passing the baton. In doing this, we don't have to say goodbye, we are just being entrusted with different things. Sometimes this is because God has finished His work in us that needed to be completed. But, especially recently, I've seen all too clearly that my letting go opens up a gap, a place that God has chosen others to fill for their appointed time. Selfishly the things that I love, I want to hold tight to. But I'm realizing over and over again, that letting go opens a gap, not only of the things were letting go of, but also in the things God wants to give us. Gaps are good. Not easy, but good. Gaps leave space between our capabilities and God divine purposes. We are not often asked to let go of things that are insignificant to us. Most times we are asked to let go of things we hold most dear so we can reset priorities, rearrange dreams, and remember that we are not the faithful ones in the equation of God + Us. Life has so often reminded me of the story of the boy with his dad walking along the beach. The boy searching for the greatest seashell he can find, collects others small ones along the way. He father, on the other hand, finds the biggest seashell on the beach and wants to give it to his son. But in order for the son to get the biggest seashell, he must let go of all he is holding on to. That is my life in a nutshell ... Or seashell... Ohhhh so bad it's good ... Nope just bad :/

But I feel like this season is so much of letting go. So many things I love, He's telling me to leave. Little moments and big moments alike that have defined my time in Italy and I have to let it go. There has to be a gap. I think so often we live in a tension - there's a gap and we need to fill it. God says there's a gap and only I can fill it. You can strive all you like to try, but you'll wear yourself out and never fill it all on your own. You can wait and walk with me or you can run at your pace that you think the gap should be filled and become worn out. Living in the gap is a gift when so often we see it as failure. God asks us to let go of things to make room. Never have I ever let go of something to get less than what I gave up in the first place. It's always more... Immeasurably more. That's our God. Gaps change as the seasons pass. There's always something new on the horizon. New is different, new is scary, new is surrender taken to a different level. New leaves gaps. Sometimes "new" is going back to something that no longer looks familiar. My new will be walking back to the place I call home and not knowing what I'm walking into, where I'm supposed to go, or how long I'll be there. And it's ok.

It's ok. It is well. I believe it with all of my heart. I am incapable of figuring my life out successfully. My plans are so often changed for the better, that stepping back and surrendering looks so much more fulfilling. Not easy by any means, says the girl who would if she could plan every moment of the next 5 years of my life. But I love that in Italy, of all places, God showed me what surrender looks like, what being refined and coming out victorious on the other side feels like, what walking through a scary wilderness with nothing to offer and opening my hands to accept Him... And it was always enough. He was always more than enough. Everything I ever lacked, He gave me more. Everything I ever dreamed, He gave me so much more. As I am about to leave this season and into the next, I'm confident of one thing: I'm not walking into easy. Yes, one season is soon to be over, but God isn't calling me back into a life of "I have it all figured out and life is exactly how I planned." And if I'm being honest, I can say I don't want that life anymore. Sometimes God has to call us out of comfort to show us we are capable of more than predicable with Him. The last 20 months have been anything but predictable. But my list of things I would have liked to happen have been so far exceeded, my hands remain open in surrender because His ways are higher and SOOOO MUCH BETTER! I claimed immeasurably more coming to Italy, and that is exactly what it was. And the amazing thing is that God doesn't give us a quota of immeasurably more. Immeasurably More isn't over now that I've almost finished this season - God is immeasurably more. Walking with Him always gives us immeasurably more - but it's not always in the ways we think. God keeps us guessing, that's the fun and scary part! The gaps don't scare Him. They invite Him in to more of our lives. In the next season I'll claim the gaps and believe for only immeasurably more to fill it. He is so good. I'm just in awe and so thankful.

Ticket Booked Into My New Season

I'll be honest. I wasn't going to share this blog with many people. I feel like in sharing this, its making the statement to God in saying, "I accept what is coming." Time in Italy has shown me how to accept the unexpected and look forward to the destruction of my "good" plans and believing for God's bigger plans….SO SO much bigger.

So, here I am, sitting on my balcony in Rome, Italy, watching the clouds roll in and the rain begin to fall, and all I know to do is praise Him. Let this be my declaration to live with the open hands and accept what He's offering and where He is taking me.

Time to make room.

April 16, 2015

I booked my ticket into my next season today.

I just realized that my time in this season has been given an end date. If you had asked me in September of last year if I would have been happy about moving on, I would have said yes. I would have been ready for everything that was to come, and I would have known exactly where I would fit back in to life in Georgia. Well, this isn’t September of last year anymore, and the tears have already flowed thinking about leaving this season, when I still have a few more months. The fact that that is my reaction in the first place, is nothing short of a miracle. I know that sounds crazy, but the moment I realized God changed my heart from the girl who wanted to go “home” to the one who was ready to embrace this season and jump all in to what He wanted to give me, was when I could actually feel chains breaking loose. There was freedom of gripping so tightly to my plans and living in the state of surrender that I desired, but I knew was way to scary to embrace. God asked me to stay in September because He knew I wasn’t ready to go into a new season without the things that were to come in fulfilling the plans in this season. I “knew” where I wanted to be, and for most of my time last year, I lived “knowing” I would be there if I could just get out of this season. Ha. That’s no way to live in the first place, I can see that now. To live in full surrender is probably the scariest, craziest, and most fulfilling thing God could ever ask anyone to do. I’ve learned that instead of gripping to things that I want to happen, I can hold tightly to the things I know to be true, and let God, the giver of dreams and desires, fulfill the things inside of me that I don’t ACTUALLY know how to fulfill properly…MIND BLOWING, and difficult.

Going home never seemed scary until now. Only because the “me” that left, isn’t the “me” that is returning. There are changes that I already know will take place that I would have never dreamed would be true. The letting go of dreams and finding new ones. Being given a voice, new passions, new hopes, new places to go, is empowering. My plane ticket isn’t taking me back home to do and be what I was in January 2014. God changed everything. I see Him differently. To see the reality of how He works when all seems hopeless. To see the way He provides when you’re up against a wall and all you can do is pray. I’ve seen God provide people for my church EXACTLY at the moment we needed them. Little did they know they were stepping into something so much bigger than themselves. I’ve seen God provide money when I just wanted to go see my family in August. I’ve seen God turn my small salary into JUST ENOUGH every single month. I may not always come out in the positives, but it’s never negative, it’s always just the amount that was needed. I’ve seen God change hearts to love Him. I’ve seen God begin a great work in the hearts of children. I’ve seen people step up in times of need, not to be “seen” but because their genuine love for Jesus drives them to serve and to love as He did. I’ve seen God ignite passions in people and I’ve seen platforms being built for them to carry out those passions for His glory. I’ve seen God set dreams on fire to allow greater dreams to take root and begin to grow.

God in the comfort zone looks so small. But God, when you have nothing to give, when you step out of comfort, when you say “yes” even when it seems crazy, is beautiful.  I will probably be processing how big God is just from seeing Him so clearly over the last year and a half for the rest of my life. Once you taste and see Him in this way, life doesn’t look the same. I believe that God isn’t calling me to step back into something, He’s calling me to step into something new, something I haven’t even thought of yet. 

Even so, It Is Well With My Soul