My Colorado Journey :)

Whenever you remember times gone by….

Colorado. For many, they call this place home. For me, Colorado is where I found life. About a year and a month ago, I moved to Aspen, Colorado. Looking back it was nothing short of God’s hand that even got me here in the first place. After graduation, I was determined to live in Colorado. I had my heart set on either Steamboat or Breckenridge, but God had other plans. I applied to 15 jobs in Breckenridge and one in this place called Aspen. I had only two interviews for the jobs I applied for in Breckenridge, and no callbacks after that point. Not knowing that Aspen and Breckenridge weren’t the same place, I had decided to accept a phone interview for a position as a lift operator. After the interview, I was offered the position on the condition that I could make it out to aspen in the next few days. This was approximately 1 week after I graduated at this point, but I was ready to live in Breckenridge, Colorado…or so I thought. I accepted the position and began to research this mountain called Highlands in Breckenridge. To my dismay…there is no Highlands Mountain in Breckenridge…you see this mountain was located in Aspen, Colorado. I was, honestly, devastated by this news. I decided to go for it anyway, not really knowing where Aspen was, what it was, or what I was supposed to do when I got there. I remember taking the Colorado Mountain Express to get to this Aspen place, and as we passed all of the signs for Breckenridge I became even more hesitant to see what Aspen had to offer. I went, nonetheless. It was at that point that my plan was interrupted, I knew what I wanted but it was not what God had for me. I spent the first two weeks in Aspen alone in a hotel-turned-apartment about an hour bus ride outside of Aspen. I felt alone, I second-guessed every decision I made up to that point, but God’s grace was guiding me the whole time, even when I wasn’t listening. 

I ended up finding housing in Snowmass, one of the mountains that is owned by the Aspen Skiing Company, and was placed with three random girls. God thing – I think yes! I went, hesitantly, in to this new apartment and came out with new best friends. I spent my winter having the time of my life! My roommates and I could find fun in just about anything and were practically attached at the hip. But winter didn’t last forever. They left about two weeks before my job ended at Highlands, and again, I was alone. At this point, I did not know where to turn. So, in normal Kristi fashion, I went to Target. I was searching for something to read, something to do, or something to watch when I stumbled upon a book called, “ The Purpose Driven Life.” I had heard about this book before and I was at an intersection where I needed to figure out my purpose so I figured it couldn’t hurt to search through the pages for answers. Not only did I find answers, this point was the basis for what was to come in my life. From the beginning of May around May 10, I was home from Aspen because it was off-season – pretty much a time when there is nothing open, no one in town, and you have to get out or you will die of boredom…literally. I remember being at my lake house with a few of my friends, and something came up about a series that Andy Stanley was doing called, “The New Rules for Love Sex and Dating.” I decided to listen to it on my 26-hour drive back from Atlanta to Aspen. I figured what the heck, nothing was working up to this point in the world of dating so maybe having this input would help me out. I wish I could tell you I expected what happened, but no one is ever ready for a holy slap across the face. I remember hitting the Nashville border and deciding to play the podcast from my phone…approximately 25 minutes later, I was pulled over on the side of the road balling my eyes out. I had just heard the story that changed my life, forever, whether I wanted it to or not.

'Andy was talking about getting a group of people together before he started the series to discuss the dating scene these days, understand the terminology, and just see what it is like to be single and looking in this crazy world. There was a girl who started talking about her experiences with dating. She said she had grown up in a Christian home, went to church all her life, but moved to Atlanta after college and wanted to get into the dating scene. At that point, she decided to put Jesus on the back burner, not that she didn’t believe, He just wasn’t going to be a factor in her dating relationships. One night, there was a gathering somewhere and she ended up meeting a guy. She described him as the total package, he had looks, a good job, and was a Christian. When she went home, she told her mom about the guy that she met and said that her mother turned to her and said, “ Sweetheart, the problem is, a guy like him, isn’t looking for a girl like you.”'

“A guy like him, isn’t looking for a girl like you.”

A guy, like the one I want so baldy for myself, would never look for a girl like me, the girl I let myself become. Those words have rung so loudly in my head to this day. Who I was, isn’t who I wanted to be. How can I expect someone to love me when I don’t even love myself? That moment, in Nashville, Tennessee changed my life forever. I don’t know who that girl was, but I know she wasn’t alone. I am so thankful for her mothers bravery in telling her daughter that simple, yet, powerful truth. Needless to say, on my 26-hour journey, I was accompanied by the message of Andy Stanley 26 times. On repeat. For 26 hours. If you would like me to repeat it to you…I can…word for word! The next week in the series, Andy challenged those who were single to take a year off from dating to focus on God and who He wants us to become for our future spouse. So, I did. I took a year off. I am currently in month 9 – 9 months that I never thought I would get through, but that was when I was living for myself and not for a greater purpose in which God has set out for me.

So, the Kristi/Jesus began May 14, 2011. The first day of my “one year challenge.” I don’t know about you, but when I am given a challenge, I take it…must be a Honaker pride thing, but I can guarantee there is no challenge like the “One-Year Challenge.” Before this point, I had never believed that a person so set in their ways could change, and I was right. I could never change on my own. The change that has completely transformed my life was nothing short of a miracle, a miracle that I did not deserve. Jesus changed me. End of story. It was nothing that I did, nothing I so tightly held on to, and nothing I reached for to find satisfaction. You see, grace is getting something we do not deserve. And grace is what Jesus has offered me and what he offers each of us. Jesus found me, when I was nothing but a failure. I reached for everything that never satisfied, yet He still wanted me, He still loved me, and He still died for me. I gave up on myself. I was worth nothing. Without Him I would still feel that way. You have no idea how amazing it feels to feel love, purpose, and grace. I want so badly for every person I know to experience this grace and love that is only found in Jesus.

So, through my next few months in Colorado, I was transformed. I was put through the ringer in life, yet all the while grasping onto the love of Jesus. Looking back, I don’t even want to know where I would be today if I went to Breckenridge. I had a plan, but God’s was always greater. His hand guided me when I was not even I didn’t care, when I was blinded in my sin, when I was hiding in a pit, unwilling to look up. I know I have already talked about Passion and how greatly that has influenced my life. I am so blessed just to call that the pentacle of this journey so far. I have realized that Colorado is not my home, but it is where I finally found satisfaction in knowing Jesus for the first time. No matter how long someone goes to church, until you truly let Jesus love you, it will only be a Sunday routine. I have realized that even when I believed I was worthless, Jesus spoke life and joy into me, and has ignited a flame that will never burn out. I am sad that my time in Colorado is quickly coming to an end, for now. I have been so blessed to make friends, been through challenges, and come out on the other side stronger. But, I am ready for the next chapter of the Kristi/Jesus adventure where the light He has given me will shine in the darkness. Greece. Here we come! J

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry" - Psalm 40:1

Where do I start? Oh, right….Happy Valentines day! I’ll be honest, I’ve never been much of a fan of this day, not because I don’t like the day, I think it’s precious – and come on everything is pink so…hello FAVE….but I’ve just never had much to celebrate on this joyous day. I know, I know…I should start singing Jesus loves me and then I’ll be ok with the fact that on this day I get to be even more aware that I am single. Have you tried that? Did it work? I think NOT! Ha As we speak, or type, I am in Denver, Colorado awaiting the arrival of my lovers, Brittany, Dianna, and Brent. Alone. On Valentines day. Now, before this pity party goes any further, I just wanted to point out I just spent the last 2 hours watching the ever-so-handsome Channing Tatum work his beautiful-gift-from-God magic across the movie screen in “The Vow.” I would like to take this opportunity to praise Jesus in his ability to make such a wonderful, talented…. actor. I digress. 

As I walked into the movie, I quickly realized I was going to be the only person that did not have a date in this movie. However, as the movie played I realized what it means to truly be in love with someone. To love so strongly you are willing fight no matter what may hinder your path. For the first time, I can honestly say that I am happy to wait for that. Some of you may think, yeah, well you intentionally are not dating for a year…so duh you are waiting. Well, yes, but I have never really been content with that decision. Yes, I know I am growing with every day that passes. But, something just clicked. I’m not waiting for some person who is just good enough; I’m waiting for him. The one. Whoa, that is weird. Not only am I waiting for him, I am okay, content, and happy to wait. Because who God has for me, is the best, perfect, mine. Not some mediocre, I’ll- take-you-cause-I’m-bored “love”. And on the other end of that journey, I may not be able to say a lot of things, but I can say to him, “ I am yours.” In the last 30 minutes, I have finally had a peace of this decision come over me, in knowing that this decision is going to be worth it. For now, it is Jesus and I. How awesome is that? Jesus is waiting with me. I am not waiting alone, and I never have to again. I have spend roughly 24.93841 years of my life in search of something I could never find. With this overwhelming peace comes surrender, and I know that I do not have to worry because whoever he is, wherever he is (God help his soul!), God has him for me. For me! Some may call this a revelation, an epiphany, or simply say, ”Duh, Kristi, how did you not know this,” but you have no idea how it feels to be at peace with this situation God has given me. Crazy – this would happen on Valentines Day! So thankful for a Valentines Day where I do not have to complain but wait patiently in hopes for the future! WHOO HOO!

Life - The Ultimate Metaphor!

Psalm 9:1 – 2, 9

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High…The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you”

When reading the Psalms, all I can think is “I want faith like this.” I want to be like David. That even in difficult times, in hopeless times, in trying times, I can praise the name of Jesus without a doubt of His mercy.  Too often, I sit back and let the world influence my thoughts, my anxiousness, and my insecurities. But Jesus can over take them…on a daily basis, in some aspects of my life every minute or so. Its funny how one minute David is boasting in the grace of the Lord and the next asking why God has gone so far away. It is just nice to know that the Bible was God breathed, but written by individuals who were just like us. One minute we are praising God and thanking Him for all He has done for us, and the next we are waiting for a “sign” that he truly cares about us and is here for us. I realized in my selfish thinking, I am the only one who strays. That whole part about God is constant…yeah…I guess that means he is always there, even when we can’t see His hand in anything…or so we think. This whole idea that “God sees the big picture” is great, and then in my trials I think, “Oh, this must have been overlooked, this circumstance can’t possibly be a part of His plan.” 

Time after time, I feel like this rollercoaster of life gets stuck at the very bottom, no jerking movements, no whiplash, no view of the scenery, just stuck. In these times, I tend to use it as a waiting period, or a time where I over analyze every detail of my tragic situation. Probably not a good thing, since we all know there are too many things that I need to change. But in these times, all I can do is wait, knowing that even at the bottom there is no way to go but up. So, I leave my seatbelt on, knowing that this ride will soon take off. So I look up, praising Jesus that I can see another day, see His face at the bottom, and wait. I may wait for a while, but knowing that He waits with me. We may be the only two on this rollercoaster, but I know when it starts up, we’ve got a wild, crazy, and bumpy ride ahead. I don’t know about you, but I love roller coasters, the kind that go 0-60 in 2.5 seconds, the kind that flip you upside down a hundred times and dare you not to throw up….those kind. 

Maybe in God’s sense of humor, he knows that. And he is probably thinking, “why go to a theme park to experience this roller coaster? I can provide that experience daily, no whiplash required.” It can be your life. It is your life! Isn’t it funny that we would go on these rides, and love the thrill, but as long as we know that it will be over in about 30 seconds. As. Long. As. We. Know. When. It. Will. Be. Over. But how do we live a life now knowing what will come up around the next curve? I haven’t been very successful up to this point with figuring out the answer, probably because I wasn’t open to the answer I would find. The answer?… Knowing that you aren’t the only one sitting in the roller coaster. No, not your best friend, not even your family, but Jesus. He goes through it all with you, and all He asks of you is for a little faith. He can work with only an ounce of faith, but the more the merrier. At times, I give Him nothing and He still waits with me. You think you wait for change in your life, but can you imagine being Jesus and waiting for us to come around and give Him all of our hearts, faith, life? He wins when it comes to waiting for an extremely long period of time…try 25 years with me. Then I look at my life, what do I wait for …oh right, I wait for every two weeks when my paycheck comes! Great, Kristi. Way. To. Go. So, why not…since we are both in the game of waiting, why don’t we just wait together? After all, it’s nice to know that there is someone who understands, and is there with me through it all. 

My God Will Come Through... Always!

With the future in mind, while paying attention to todays challenges. This is the inner battle I've been dealing with the last few days! Why, if God wants me in a place so far from where I am, is this extremely difficult situation going on right underneath my nose. Greece. I know it's coming! On the other hand he has given me an opportunity to be light in this lifeless and challenging situation. As most of you know, I have been in aspen for a while, so coming home is always a getaway. Not so much any more. I have realized the realities of financial struggle and an otherwise strong foundation crumbling under my feet. It breaks my heart. To see a father who is so tough and seems to have it all together, lose it cause it's not going perfectly is a little disheartening. Trials, struggle, tribulation. Life wouldn't be life without them. But so often our view is fogged by the things we cannot change and the things we will never be able to accomplish. I wish I could write a check and be done with it, but God isn't going to let us off the hook that easily. You see, my family is great. It's the quintessential - we -look-like-we-have-it-all-together - family. Great for image bad for everything else. In the heart and soul of each of us there is something that holds finances to an extremely high standard. We've always lived a somewhat comfortable life, nothing too crazy or extravagant, but it's kind of controlled us. I know for me it has. Over the past few months of my "year-off" deal, God has completely taken everything I know about finances, moderation and success and changed my perspective completely. And ever since I've been home, it has been in the forefront of my mind - in an overwhelming and challenging way. I want nothing more than to experience God and His undying love for me, but how can I do that when I am holding on to these things he has blessed me with in the first place. To truly surrender, means to live up control- only with His help will I be able to completely rid me of all things Kristi and take hold of my life.

Pride. It seems to creep into each of these situations and make us feel like we owe it to ourselves to succeed and anything less is incompetence and failure. Struggles can be manageable if we don't let this debilitating fear of the lack of pride cloud our vision. You see, pride is a great thing. Knowing we can accomplish our goals, standing on the back side of a finish line, giving something of great value away for something greater can cause a sense of pride and worth for all. But on the flip side, pride can eat you alive. It can ruin every good thing about yourself cause you believe you have to live up to a standard that is set and a bar that is too high to be reached. There is a bar set too high, but it can be attained. I've realized this one thing... Bars that are set high are there for a reason. It's not to make us depressed because we can't reach them, they are there to focus on the One who can reach them and only through that One will we ever obtain success in these areas. Financially. Relationally. What ever area that may be. There are plenty of bars that are set extremely high, but the only way you or I will ever reach it is through the grace and mercy of Jesus. I don't know about you, but I've tried to reach too many of these bars and it just didn't work out. The bars I've tried to reach have only left me with broken hearts, battle scars and too many credit cards. But, once I can give Jesus my everything my heart will be healed, my bruises can be used for glory and my credit cards can be no more. I set this bar to be everything I thought I wanted in this life. Things that would make me look good to other people, but to Jesus I am perfect. A little rough around the edges, yes, but perfect nonetheless. Perfect only BecAuse He has saved me. Before I knew Him, he saved me from these imaginary bars that are set too high, so high that you and I will never be able to reach. But with one touch of His hand, it's obtainable. So, in this time, I have hope that He will rescue the hearts of the broken and heal the souls who have been hurt. I have hope that He will set the standard high in order to show that it was only Him who could have helped us through. He will come through. He always does. As long as I put my full faith and trust in Him, He will come through, always!

February 1... A few hours later

The weight of disappointment lifted.
Last night (or early this morning) was an attack of my heart by the one who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy my hope. I felt incompetent, unloved, and unworthy. Its amazing how God can lift the burden or pain and insert love that covers all things I may feel. Because God says something different. He says, "you are worthy, you are loved, and you are mine!" Have you ever thought about that? I mean really thought about the fact that we are His. In light of all awful situations, just the fact that I can stop and think about the reality that I am Gods! The creator of the universe who died because He loves me. Crazy! Every money issue, every hard time seems to fall by the way side in the light that I Am His! I don't have to worry. I don't have to stress. He Loves Me. I Am His!