My Story. Written, yet Unknown.

My Story, Written yet Unknown.

Nashville, TN - that sounded good to me. I tried to get there - three times to be exact. For some reason it never worked out. That would have been my perfect little story. That's exactly it, MY story. But I've come realize I am just the person allowed to live out my story. I don't write it.

I've never been the girl who knew what she wanted to do since the age of 3.5. I've always gone back and forth. Teacher. Basketball player. Lazy bum who does nothing all day. Business owner. CEO. Most of my options just left me confused, even to this day. "What do you want to be" sends my head into oblivion and my response would probably be whatever first came to mind, and it would probably be a lie. Whatever sounded good at the moment. Until this year.

This past year has been nothing short of a whirlwind. I’ve learned more than I could have ever expected. I’ve learned how to be still. I’ve learned how to run. I’ve seen God work miracles in others lives. As I have been reflecting back on the numerous events, open doors, crashing walls of this past year, I decided to find my new years resolution on facebook. Why? Because somewhere deep down I knew those words sparked something in my heart to allow myself to see God, truly see God, for the first time this year.

                            

I found it. These words made this whole year make sense… as much as it possibly could. January 6, 2013. My bold proclamation to God was “Hey, I want you to do something huge. Something beyond what I can think. I want to see miracles. I need you to show up in ways that are immeasurably more.”

Yeah…. That happened. The year isn’t even over and it is taking my brain 100% capacity to somewhat comprehend the immeasurably more that God has prepared and is continuing to prepare for me. For ME! Come on – how many times have I prayed words just because I knew they sounded so spiritual and eloquent? May this writing come with fair warning, When challenging the God of the universe to step up and be bold in your life, a life that He Himself created, a path that He Himself is preparing… just hold on. I prayed because it sounded good. God acted because He had immeasurably more waiting. Waiting for what – I may never know fully – but I think He was waiting for the moment when I had nothing to give, nothing prepared, no plan, and no means for the journey. Coming to the end of our self means the beginning of where we allow God to be fully in control, fully Himself, and in that we may live fully alive.

Let me rewind.

September 8, 2013. I sat in the North Carolina mountains with some of my favorite people on the planet, the girls in my Bible Study, The Crescendo. As the trip came to an end, I thought it would be a great idea for each of the girls to write a letter to God, to challenge Him for the upcoming year. To tell him desires, wants, and longings. One year. If I’m being honest, I walked around the house taking pictures, cleaning, anything to look busy enough to get out of it. I can’t get away with anything with these ladies, however, and eventually I sat down to write. “Be bold in what you write” screaming in the back of my mind. Isn’t that the uber spiritual way to pray? Pray in boldness. I didn’t know what that meant, but I prefaced my letter by saying to God, “I want to be bold in what I put on my paper.”

And bold I was.

“September 8

God, let this mark a year of change for me. I don't know what that looks like right now, but I know you have a path in preparation for me to know you more. God I desire to trust you with every ounce of my being. I desire for my heartbeat to be completely in time with yours. God, I desire adventure. I desire love. God, I desire healing over brokenness, broken relationships, and broken hearts. God, I want to ask you to do something huge, something that sheds light on your greatness. I want to travel, I want to be so dependent on you. You know better than I. God, I pray that within a year, next September 8, 2014 I won't be in the same place I am right now, that I will fight this fight you placed before me and not look back for anything. God, we are doing a great work and I cannot come down.”

Have you ever boldly prayed a prayer? I think sometimes we hide behind “being bold” because we know that God isn’t great enough to actually come through in our dreams and hopes…or even those things we don’t know we hope of yet. It was a pretty prayer, one that I was certain that would claim boldness yet stay in certainty and comfort. God had other plans.

I woke up one morning and went on Facebook… One of my friends, Bekah, had posted pictures in Italy. I was instantly blown away. Something in my spirit told me to message her. My initial response was, “I haven’t talked to her in years, that is awkward, and I realllly don’t want to be THAT person.” But, nonetheless, I listened to the prompting. I received a message a few short minutes after from Bekah saying:

 “I just got chills. God is soo incredible the way he works. My boss/host mom was talking with me yesterday if I had any friends interested in taking my place when I leave. I told her I would be thinking and see who i.could.think of and now one day later u send me this amazing message!!”

Not exactly the response I had imagined, but I’m not writing this story. I asked God for immeasurably more, He answered with something so beyond my wildest dreams it left me only to believe it was exactly what I asked for, yet didn’t know I was asking for! Weeks went by, and I began to message with Bekah and the mom of the family in Italy. In the back of my mind, this opportunity was so far out in left field it didn’t make any sense for it to turn into a reality. I will never forget my friend Rukiya telling me, “Kristi, God speaks ahead of time. He is preparing you for something bigger than what you can see and in this moment He is speaking into your future!”

God spoke and His voice was confusing and beautiful all at the same time. God said, “Italy.” I said, “that’s not possible.” God said, “I am Bigger.” I said, “prove it.” God said, “watch me!”

If I can, let me recap all of the ways I fell short of this plan.

A few weeks after God began speaking the reality of Italy over my life, my car was broken into – EVERYTHING was stolen. My passport, my license, my social security card, by books, my money, my credit cards, my purse…aka my life! Everything that I could have offered to help God out in His little endeavors to get me to Italy, in a split second, vanished. I physically had nothing, let alone the mental capacity to comprehend such an immeasurably more story as He was crafting before my eyes. It left me at ground zero…I had nothing to give. The gap between where God wanted me and where I actually was growing larger with every passing moment. I had a negative bank account, bills coming every which way, a car I knew I had to sell in order to get overseas, and a job where each week posed different hours and income. In this moment, I realized I had only one decision to make, jump on board with this immeasurably more or strive on my own to get to this unknown destination. I finally said, “Yes. I’m ready. Let’s do this, God.” My plans aside, my heart on His foundation, and my soul willing to walk into this journey.”

I may have been walking into an unknown, but I knew the prayer my heart was praying. It was sure. It was bold. It asked for immeasurably more.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the water, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” – by Hillsong United.

This song quickly shifted from a beautiful song to my heart cry. It made everything within me make sense and my heart could finally put words to its longing. I want that, and in God’s goodness He is offering it to me in this very moment. I am in a constant state of being overwhelmed by His grace and love.

I remember sitting down at bible study and telling the girls what was happening stating, “If I am in Italy in January, it will be a miracle.” I am living in a miracle. Within the last few days, God filled the gaps. Every. Single. One.

My dad. I can not handle. It is not every day that God allows your father’s generosity to be one way He fills a gap. My car I was planning on selling, daddy bought it from me, paid it off, and will now get to drive my dream car around. Not only that, he helped me pay for my ticket to get to Italy. Two ways that God made this immeasurably more seem a lot more real. My dad and I sat down to buy my ticket and it all came to fruition….

The day I booked my ticket. The day I prayed for immeasurably more in the beginning of this year. They are the same.

January 6.

January 6, 2013 -I asked God for immeasurably more this year.

January 6, 2014 – I am headed to Rome, Italy.

My Cup Overflows...?

My cup overflows…?

So many instances in the Bible, people are mentioned as cupbearers to the kings. They hold positions of trust, honor, and protection to the king. They fill the cup for the king and protect it from any poison or contamination. Not only do they bear the cup they also are responsible to taste of the drink with the possibility of death at the other end of a sip to ensure the kings safety. The life and death of the king rides on their shoulders.

I, too, bear a cup. We all do. The difference between this cup and the one I mentioned is that I get to drink of it. I’ve been given a cup by The King. I don’t run and fetch my own drink, my cup is filled by the flowing waters of the God of the universe. It is always good. He is always good. I’ve recently been so filled with what God is doing around me some days it is hard to comprehend. The problem came when I couldn’t believe and I couldn’t accept the blessings that God was giving me. I struggle with believing the lie that says I am not _____ enough to accept this offering. It’s like I go to God and say “fill my cup, Lord” and as He goes to pour into my cup, I flip it over and blessings spill on to the floor. In turn, I am saying, I want your blessing but I can’t receive it. In order to experience the goodness of God, we have to accept it. Our cup can’t overflow if it is tipped upside-down to begin with. A cup can't serve it's purpose if it isn't allowed to be filled - so is our life. How do we expect to live with purpose if we can't accept blessing, healing, pain, joy, and every other gift God wants to sing over us? 

I’ve been so aware of the blessings and healing God is pouring over my friends and family recently, yet I shrink back when it comes turn for the acceptance of what God wants to give me in my own life. How it must pain our Beautiful God to know what we desire most, we run from because it is too good. I hear the words so loudly over my life - Jesus didn’t die so we could mask our pain or shy away from joy. Jesus came so we could have life and have it in abundance. Abundance means to set the cup upright and accept blessings. We are not called to cower under pain, but to rise up knowing our fight is worth something. We are allowed to feel joy, even if it is so much we don’t know what to do. We are all given a cup. One thing we can be sure, God will never run out of ways to overflow our cup, but it is in our hands whether we allow it to spill out as waste on the ground or let our gifts overflow. Taste and see that The Lord is good – hold up your cup upright and let the river of blessings and healing flow over your life. 

"You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing!"
Psalm 23:5

Just. Hold. On

#CrescendoCabin

It isn’t ironic that we are currently reading Captivating. A book that is helping us to understand that our true beauty is found most purely when we are still. I love the times in life when we realize truth and God provides us an opportunity to actually experience it at the same time. I’m speechless.

I’ve taken so many trips where I needed a vacation after my vacation. I’m more stressed on the backside of my getaway than I was when I arrived. I needed to detox myself of everything I filled my body and soul with over those few days. This trip was the complete opposite. God has already given me so much that I would have been completely content with just knowing He was there. However, He is working in the year of Immeasurably More so little was not enough for the great work He has put in to motion. I just spent the last weekend with 10 women from my bible study. Not one of which is on the same path as another, same walk of life, same hopes, same dreams. We are all so different and God saw that this was good. He brought us together for the fact that He is giving us a chance to understand others outside of our personal little life bubble. Though we can learn from each other, He has more…so much more. He has intricately woven our lives together, not that we can accomplish our own hopes and dreams but so that we can accomplish His.

Oh, God met us on the mountaintop of Tuckasegee, NC this weekend. When God is present, the limits we place on ourselves are destroyed, walls crumble, and perspective shifts into eternity. We spent hours upon hours talking, laughing, kayaking, rowing boats…flipping kayaks, and just being. One moment, a group of us rowed in our kayaks in the middle of the lake… and just sat there. In that moment, I think I finally realized what beauty is: dependence, joy, hope, love, and undeniable trust. We sat in the midst of stillness. There was no movement around, yet the beauty was so breathtaking we were left speechless. Isn’t that what God wants from us? To stop fighting, to stop questioning, and just dance with Him. I get the image of a child dancing on her fathers feet as he spins her around the room. She may not know the next move of the dance, but she trust him to make it beautiful. God has already offered us the opportunity to dance, we just have to step on His feet and give Him the opportunity to take us through the beautiful dance. We do nothing except hold on. That is beauty. In our stillness, God is then given the opportunity to guide us in the dance He set in motion from the beginning of time. We can’t trust and take the lead at the same time. It is the dance of the fully surrendered, the free, and the captivated who are able to put aside distractions and just be. This is what I realized in the midst of the North Carolina mountains this weekend. While we were still in the midst of the lake, God was stirring up hope for His promises, joy in His faithfulness, and bringing together women to be a voice of community. I honestly, without a doubt, believe this community of women makes God smile. We are living in the days of His favor and I am ready to hold on. I may not know the next move, but I’m ready to dance.

FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out

FOMO

The fear of Missing Out

I am currently in one of the greatest places of all time, Costa Rica! One of Gods most perfect creations and I get to experience it with the Schoper family. Even in this beautiful place, I still find a way to wish I was somewhere else. Isn't this life? I wish I was married when I'm single, I wish I had a job when I don't have one, I wish I had a better job where I make more money when I'm just getting by... I wish, I hope, I dream, I wonder what life would be like in a different place. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to expect, but when we are so wrapped up in the "could be" we forget what actually is! It's not everyday that God puts us in a position where we can experience this other world we dream of for just a short time. That is what this week is... I get to live it without the responsibility of it actually being my reality. I get to experience vacation with another family and catch a glimpse of life when it's not just me. I can't tell you how many times I've requested and merely pointed out that I was ready for God to provide my husband - I know it's in His hands but sometimes I like to think if I pray harder or more He may change his mind... :/ After this week, I walk away without 3 children to watch, feed, and run after...or more like sprint after as they take off into the water full speed ahead! It's just me. I've spent so much of my time praying that I would be somewhere else, mad at God cause His timing is way different than I could ever imagine, and hoping that for a moment fantasy could be reality. All the while, He knew. I doubt, I get angry, I question. He simply waits. Waits for me to throw my 26 years of a temper tantrum until I realize I'm exactly where I need to be. That the more I try to fantasize a world that isn't my own, I'm missing out on the blessing He has prepared for the present. How many moments I've wasted wanting to be elsewhere... I don't dare think about. Walking away from this trip (with 4 days still remaining) I can be thankful. These moments I have are fleeting and will just as soon pass away. God isn't content with me living a life of ordinary. My God is big, extraordinary, and adventurous, and you better believe that is the life He has planned for His children. We dream of a life of adventure yet we live as though we would rather be trapped in a box with only the necessary water and food and air holes to get by. Life with comfort isn't life with purpose! It's comfortable to live in our dream world because we know it will probably never happen, praying that if it does we have enough time to prepare ourselves and plan our escape. What life do we really want to live? If we are honest with ourselves, it is not one of adventure. How do I know? Because that is the life God has already promised for us, and we decline only to sit in our comfortable box pretending God gave us a different life in which we could live. Insert FOMO here.

What are we really missing out on? Nothing. Because things that are happening to others were specifically designed by the Creator for them to experience. If we would only take our eyes off of the the life others lead, we could realize the beautiful and intricately planned world God has purposed us to live. It's the world where we are enough, we don't have to fear, and each moment makes sense. It's no one else's life, but ours. And we are created to live in that world walking hand in hand with the One who had us in mind when He created life itself. We will never measure up if we are basing our standards on others, a standard that God never intended for us to live by. He is the standard. Ultimately, there is no fear of missing out if we are living the life that God destined for us. Today, I'm thankful that His grace is big enough to show me the world I prayed for and bigger still that I get to walk away and continue on the journey with just Him and I for now. I can trust and still hope. I can walk, I can face plant, I can run but it doesn't change this adventure He has planned for me. I'm not missing out because I'm living my life, the one created specifically for me by the One who calls me His beloved :)

All Is Well

July 9, 2013

I just spent the last few days in Rockledge, Florida. The place I grew up. The place I still sometimes think of as home. To me, this place is perfect. An hour away from Disney World, 10 minutes away from Cocoa Beach, and one step away from peace and rest. I don’t think I knew what it meant to “be still” until I came here. As many times in my life, i

t began with a mental breakdown of sorts. It was one of those days where I would cry even if I received a complement, where nothing was going right, and I was crying because I didn’t know why I was crying. As my family was leaving I found a tree outside and just sat…and cried…but mostly just sat. Stillness surrounded me and I didn’t want to move even if I could. I have no idea how long I sat, but it was long enough to watch the birds fly overhead, the ducks swim in the pond, and the clouds to form countless shapes. No cellphone. No technology. I was still. I was at peace. And there was nowhere else I wanted to be in that moment.

The next moment I hear something cracking above me. A small branch from the tree had fallen right into my lap. I just sat there and thanked God for the little branch. I heard God say, “It’s your staff. Throw it down.” All I could think of was Moses. God told him to throw down the staff and it became a snake, a miracle he would have never experienced if he hadn’t trusted God enough to let it go. I knew in an instant that is what God wanted of me. I was gripping so tightly to countless things in my life, that it was not only weighing me down, it was also robbing me of the opportunity to witness a miracle in my life. The burden became overwhelming and my tears, then, made sense. I had tuned into so many voices telling me what to do, that it was muting the one Voice that I needed to hear the whole time. The Voice that isn’t just guessing what path I should be on but actually knows my next step. He knows because He has already purposed and planned it out. Yet, His voice was a mere whisper. For some, rest is found in sleep. For me, I realized the greatest rest I can experience is when I have turned up the voice of God and can sit peacefully in the wind of grace.

Today, I sat under my tree again. I looked to the left and found a rock. I picked it up and looked intently at it. Not knowing what it was doing next to the tree, I just sat. In that moment a conversation with my Aunt Rose popped into my mind. She was reminding me not to live in my past, encouraging me in my job search, and just teaching me about life. All I could think of was the stone that blocked Jesus’ grave after He was buried. I could hear the whisper of God saying “roll the stone away, the things that you still hold on to are not there anymore. The sin that you still feel any amount of guilt, or the life you identified yourself with in the past has died. It not only has died, but it is not in the grave. Go, look. Roll the stone away. You can live your life in freedom of the past. It shouldn’t weigh you down because it doesn’t even exist. So, stop making up a lie that is no longer in the grave. You’ve put it to death, and I’ve already sent it away.” You may feel uncomfortable without it, but it is because you don’t know what it is truly like to live in freedom.

It is vulnerable, it is scary. 

But that is where you will find Me. Truly find me. Just hold my hand and take a step. When your eyes are on me, the things behind you are not in focus. If you are focused on your past, your failures, or your misfortunes, you will live a life that reflects disappointments. If you live your life focused on the hope you have found in Me, you will find peace.

In the collision of dreams and plans.

I am standing in the front of two doors. Within the next 24 hours God will be opening one and closing another. I don't know the outcome, though I'd be lying if I said my heart wasn't slightly leaning in one direction. One door is my dream. One door is God's plan.

See the problem with my dreams is that I have a narrow view of things I love. My dreams are limited to my human perception of the seen and unseen. But God's plans are the culmination of all things, seen and unseen, created to glorify Him alone. When the two collide, there is no telling what it looks like. All I know is I can rest in the plans, hopes and dreams of the God who not only sees the future, He holds the future. I can bow out of my hopes to surrender to the God who is waiting for me in this moment and simultaneously waiting for me at my finish line. My heart knows His heart for me is beautiful. I will lift my eyes to the Creator of all things perfect and all plans fulfilled in this perfect timing.

The door to God's plan opens. All He asks for me is to walk with Him. He isn't asking me to leave my dreams behind. He is allowing me another view of the life He is laying before me. The scary part about God's plan, is that it is not my plan, therefore I do not know what lies ahead. He knows the plans He has for me. In this moment, He sees them coming to fruition. So, I trust. At this point, it is all I know how to do. Because in the collision of dreams and plans, I can trust the One who holds every tear, every hope, and every broken heart. It may take everything in me, but I surrender.

I take hold of His hand. We walk together through the door.

It's Burning In My Soooouuuul!!

January 5, 2013

 January 9, 2013

January 15, 2013

 This is the third time I have sat down to write. So many events over the last few days/weeks have been rushing through my mind, so many ways God is at work and I am honored to be a small part in the story He is writing. To start, I ended 2012 working for the first time in months at the Georgia Dome, only to be the start of six days I would spend there. Once January 1 hit, it was time for this little event called Passion Conference. You know, only 60,000 students showed up, no big deal. HA Honestly, the numbers were cool but the greatest part is that God showed up. If He had shown up anymore He would have had to descend through the clouds and land in the middle of the dome. God was there and He was on the move. I was privileged to see the conference as a Doorholder this year on the BEST team I could ever ask for…LUNCH TEAM! Yerp! Going into the week, I was a bit discouraged because I was doubtful – honestly, in a lot of things but mostly that I would have the opportunity to be used by God. Those doubts were merely lies – see, God was on the move but Satan was attacking. He was attacking thoughts, attacking people’s health, and numerous other ways. I realized so quickly that when God is breaking hearts, Satan is on the prowl looking for a hole to dig a grave in the life of God’s children. Satan was scared, but the greatest part, is that there is nothing he could do to stop it! God was wrecking lives for Him in the midst of the attack, proving once again, that the lies of Satan are just that…lies! Satan tried to stop the restoration but failed…royally failed!

For a moment, I believed the lie that in the midst of the crowd, there were too many voices and I wasn’t in a high enough position for my voice to be heard by my Jesus. I remember standing in the back of section 102, singing “How He Loves” when I merely stopped. I looked around me to the hands raised, voices shouting praise to the Heavens, and hearts in tune to God’s unending love. In that split second a faint voice crept into my mind and whispered, “I hear you.” He hears me. He hears us. Our cries don’t go unnoticed; our dreams aren’t thrown to the wayside. Those things deep within us, our hopes, dreams, longings, are simply a reflection of the heartbeat of our Creator. He not only hears them, He knows them, and He IS them. I realized over the last year, that everything I desire is my innate need for my Creator.

Needless to say, God was not only in our midst at Passion 2013, He was elevated. His praises were shouted through the covering of the dome as thousands joined with the angels to lift high our God. As a Doorholder, I was able to see the countless hours of the “behind-the-scenes” work that went on to pull off this conference. Every time we thought we were encountering an obstacle, God had a way to solve it. I was so honored to be a part of a team (both my lunch team and the team of Doorholders as a whole) who not only waited for God but counted on God. Our strength was insignificant to the work that God did for those four days! All we could do is step back, and glorify His name – the only name worthy of our praise! He did it. I am honored to say that He let me be a part of the story…and this is only the beginning!