As a self-proclaimed work in
progress, it’s nice to know that there is grace in the collision of my failures
and God’s unmatched strength. Over the last few days, my mind has wandered back
to numerous events in my life where I failed miserably at following the voice
of my Savior…. If I’m being honest, that’s all too often. I have been haunted
by the “what if’s” and “why’s”. If God loves me, why did ______ happen? Blah
blah blah. Then I remember, He isn’t finished with me. All I am doing is
fighting a fight that He has already conquered. My laundry list of “how to be
the person I want to be” may be to the moon and back, but maybe I’m allowed to
battle through this time to greater appreciate the victory.
Every morning I wake, I am given
two options: live in the fear of yesterday’s demons or live in the faith of
God’s promise for my here and now. Why would I live in fear if the war that is
raging against me has already been won? Is it because I can’t yet see the
victory? Isn’t the image of Jesus’ arms open wide, blood spilling for my sins,
dying on a cross enough? I want a faith so strong it doesn’t need a miracle or
something tangible to believe that God has already overcome my struggles – with
Jesus’ death and resurrection, they are finished! They are over. My battles
crumble with the name of Jesus – so why don’t I let them? It’s like Jesus
speaks freedom over me, yet I rush back to collect the pieces of the mountain
that already crumbled.
“Let. It. Go.” I can see Him
yelling this at the top of His lungs. Do I not hear? Or do I choose not to
listen? I don’t know if it’s me being stubborn as much as it is the fact that
I’ve always carried something that weighed me down. Whoa, revelation. It’s true
though, my heart is screaming for me to give it all to Jesus, but my hands are
still holding the pieces of the already broken chains. They are off of me, so
why do I still hold them?
I sat through a gathering this
past Sunday and listened to my life of worry and anxiety overflow in the words
of Louie. Worry, anxiety, stress, depression are just a few of the chains that
I have battled to let go throughout my whole life. I feel like they just wait
for a crack in my foundational hope in God and at the perfect moment, try to
enter into my heart. I haven’t surrendered it all to Him. Right as these
thoughts graced my mind, I pictured God sitting on His throne. I was standing a
few feet away with a box in my hands. I took all the things that tore me out of
His love like: fear, doubt, not trusting in His perfect plan and placed them in
the box. I start to walk closer, head bowed, arms stretched out and hand Him my
box. He looks at it; hold it in His hands for a minute. Then He looks me in the
eye and says, “It’s about time!” True life. I started laughing out loud in
church – Oh, God has a sense of humor. I guess He has to when the box that I
handed Him was weighed down with 25 years of snowballed anxiety. It’s a mystery
how they even fit in the box. I guess that’s what happens when we approach the
throne – the things that consume our world are just that much smaller in
comparison to God’s glory. Everyday is a new box. But my box is a daily
representation of trust and thanksgiving. I trust His plan. I can pass the box
over to My God. I can let it go. Letting my worry go doesn’t mean we will never
think about it again, but it allows us to not be haunted by the lies that we
can’t change. I am thankful for the amazing blessings God has given me and I
can live with the peace that guards my heart from the lies that it is not
enough.
