Month Two in the Beautiful, Painful Unknown.

Two-Month Trial

Looking back, I can 100% see why God didn’t allow me to open my eyes to what He had planned for me. I can honestly say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I would have known what was on the horizon, I would have run the opposite way…very, very quickly. God didn’t open my eyes to Italy until after I arrived, and even then He allowed me to see through the lens with squinty eyes and blurred vision.  My eyes are open yet limited. Praise God in the Heavenly realms, He knows best. So often in unknown places we subject ourselves to stumbling, failure, and awkwardness. As a self proclaimed “runner,” not necessarily in the working out sense, but in the run away from everything that is uncomfortable sense, God knew better than to tell me what was coming. I feel as if I was sleep-walking into Italy with my eyes closed being guided solely by Him, and awoke to find uncertainty, unknown, uneasiness, and every other “un” word out there. Yet into this gap of uncharted territory, God spoke.

He spoke.

I heard because I could finally listen without distraction.

When God says He wants all of us, don’t be surprised when He manages to get you all to Himself.  God spoke truth, “I will lead you to the wilderness.” Yes, yes I would say this is most definitely a wilderness. A beautiful wilderness rooted in rich history, and just as the trees in the far-most corners of a wilderness, these roads I walk have thousands of years of stories to tell. People we read about in the Bible and history books lived and died in this very city. This city is my miracle in the wilderness.

We trust in faith the miracles that we plan for, but where is our trust in the miracles we don’t plan? We believe God to give us immeasurably more in the measured out details we have planned for ourselves. But when God gives us more than we can measure, how do we handle it? So often, we reject it because we are incapable of trusting beyond limitations. If we allow this fear to debilitate our walk, we are just a body stumbling through life.

What if Paul, who was miraculously called by God to preach this good news, was too afraid or limited God on how he trusted Him? I am certain I would not have been standing in his Basilica looking at his grave.

World changers don’t conform, they reform.

Paul, in chains wrote, “Now to HIM who is ABLE to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine.” I don’t believe that Paul would have expected to be in prison for much of him ministry, but He didn’t question God’s purpose. Why? I believe Paul knew that no matter the prison or chains He was held in, God holds no limitations.  I don’t think we expect to be in chains for the gospel when we ask God to give us immeasurably more, but what if He does? What if His immeasurably more looks immeasurably less by the world’s standards? What if our bank account holds less than the average person? What if the life we planned when we were 15 looks completely different now that we are in our 20’s? God has taken so many things away, to make me understand the beauty of traveling light. We may not have much, but that gives us the freedom to open our hands and hold out our cup for God to overflow with His spirit. He yearns for our whole self; He walks us steady on the path of complete dependence. Free of burden, sinking in grace, He calls us to live lives that don’t waver in adversity.

God spoke, “I will lead you to the wilderness” but He didn’t stop there. He continued with “and speak tenderly to you.” “I will refine you in the fire.” This two-month trail is the beginning of something still unknown to me. There is pruning, and fire, and wilderness, yet there is Jesus. I may not know what I have gotten myself into, but I have never been more confident of the strength of my Savior.

So, two months in…I know so little, yet the borders of my trust and the walls around my heart have slowly begun to fade.

WHAT IS LIFE?!

As conversations have unfolded just over the last few days, I have realized so many amazing people in my life are in the same place as I, the "I don't know what is happening chaos of living in your 20's-30's!" There are two groups that most all of my friends fall under: The “I'm getting married/having babies” stage or the “I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, everything is changing so quickly” stage. Since I have no expertise in group number 1, I will just stand amazed in the power and faithfulness of God in your life! That being said, group número due (number 2 in Italian.. I know... I'm almost bilingual!) - I feel you! With every ounce of my being, I understand.

We hear people speak on how beautiful it is to be in the unknown or to have the space to “find yourself”… we support those in these times and pray for their strength to carry on… and then, we too, enter this “stage” and it doesn’t seem as beautiful as it sounds. It is actually painful. And difficult. And a whirlwind. And we settle in the unknown because God is pulling back the parts of our lives that were never “us” in the first place. God has recently confirmed that I am not alone, but it leaves me wondering what do I do?

He has settled me on the far side of the sea, in the most unsettling way. In one plane ride, He everything changed. I, the queen of travel and adventure, now stand alone and scared living in the answer to my prayers. And this is exactly where God wanted me. I have nothing I would have reached for back home, and even if I try I come up empty. Why? Because God knows that reaching for anything else besides Him will fall short of the longings in my heart anyway. How beautiful that He would take me out of my “known” into the whirlwind of grace that He offers in uncertainty. I have chatted to so many people and we all have one thing in common, NOTHING MAKES SENSE. For many of you, you didn’t even have to move anywhere to feel this way about this stage you currently sit in. The life that at one point provided everything we needed is now taken away, the jobs that once filled us have left a void, and the people we looked to for advice or even approval have disappeared into thin air. We are in a wilderness, coming up dry of things that once used to spring us back to life. And God has succeeded. Not in a “mawhaha I ruined you life” way, but in a “FINALLY, I have you where I want you” way. I finally asked Him, “God why must you bring me to the wilderness to find myself.” His response, short and perfect, “I didn’t take you to the wilderness to find yourself, I brought you into the wilderness to find me. Only when you find me, will you realize the ‘You’ I created you to be.”

The painful process of constantly peeling back the layers of ‘me’ that hid my most delicate and raw being. Just like an onion, He is peeling back layers and layers of the protection I formed against who I really am. Day by day, He rips another Band-Aid off my heart to give Him space for the renovation that He is performing. I am in a space to find myself, in a place that so many yearn for and I have no idea what I look like. I don’t know what my dreams are, I don’t know what I like to do for fun, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, and the list can continue on for days. I don’t know anything about me. I just keep reaching. Yearning for Him. Though this process leaves me in pain most days, I know it is not in vain.

I may not know much about this season of our life but I am certain of a few things: God isn't giving us all of the answers because He wants our undivided trust. He isn't showing us the steps to take past the tips of our noses because He wants us to walk in the faithfulness of right now! Have you ever thought about that? Right now, in this very moment, He wants to bless you, He has blessed you. He is in the chaos with you, but He also sees beyond that to the calm at the end of the storm. We are coming up short because He is changing everything. The life we once knew has turned to rubble, because He is preparing us! For what? Haha I wish I knew the answer, hence why this season is so unknown. But how patient is He to walk with us in the preparation for something greater.

My prayer for all of us is that we can settle in the uncertainty. Even in the midst of chaos, He is our constant. Meaning, if you reach for Him…He is there. He will always be there. We don’t have to strain our eyes to see what is coming, we can grasp hold of the hand that walks with us right now and is enough for us in this moment. You are not alone. I am not alone. Trust this beautiful, painful, preparation process of grace. You are a force for good.We may feel as though everything is changing but God is at work to show the world THROUGH our lives the power of who He truly is. It may look completely different but that is because God cannot be contained to the small box size lives we may be living. You have what it takes because of the power of the Holy Spirit  that lives within you! Let Him work. Stand back and be amazed!

Confessions of conformity.

Confessions of conformity.

“Holy Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty

The whole earth is filled with your glory.”

God whose glory expands throughout the whole earth and into creation that we may never see in this lifetime, is worthy of all of my praise. It is my natural reaction to give praise to what fills my soul with purpose and joy. Yet, so often, I am overwhelmed by my flesh and fail to truly praise Him the way my heart so desires.

I have been challenged by the question God spoke into my life today, “How do you expect to change the world when you are conforming to what the world is doing?”

I’ve used every excuse in the book. I stood in church today, singing songs written by my worship leaders at Passion City Church, not just one song, but all of them. Every single song. But my worship looked different. One hand held the hymnal and the other placed by my side. Heart bowed but hands that were too scared to be lifted because “no one else was doing it.” It didn’t take a long time before I was convicted to the point of tears. God. The God I worship back home in Georgia is the same God whom I stood to worship in Rome today. There is nothing about Him that has changed, but my heart was overcome with conformity. “Maybe they don’t worship that way here,” “maybe people will judge me if I raise my hands higher than the pew in front of me,” maybe, maybe, maybe. The same words to the same songs of the same God and my mind was overcome with fear that I may stick out amongst this new congregation. God has done nothing to make me praise Him less, if anything has shown me more of His beauty in the last few months than I have ever seen before.

When I walked away from church today, I felt as though I betrayed Him. World changers do not conform. World changers acknowledge the Light that is within them and shine as if no one is watching. Who are we looking to please? If it is man, I may as well stand for the rest of my life with my hands by my side. But my life isn’t for anyone or anything besides the Living God so to what degree will I let others have a say in the way that I worship? God has done nothing but show me exponential reasons to praise His name. He has not held anything back from me. Who am I to hold back my worship to Him? Conformity may be something as simple as not raising your hands when all you want to do is fall on your face before the throne. Nonetheless, it is giving God less than what He deserves.

We can’t look different when we are conforming to this world instead of letting Jesus transform us. And again, another glimpse into the heart transplant that God so graciously has given me. Praise Him that every moment is another chance. He deserves more than my fear of worship. He deserves everything I am lifted high in worship. 

The end of Immeasurably More?!

The end of immeasurably more?

I was recently listening to a sermon from Passion City where Louie Giglio was talking about believing that this is the year of immeasurably more. In the back of my mind, all I could think was, “he isn’t talking about me. I believed God for immeasurably more last year, so I guess my immeasurably more has run out. It is so impudent of me to think that I can believe God for immeasurably more again. My year is up. I certainly have used up my time in immeasurably more." 

** Insert lightning bolt from Heaven here**

Not but a second later, the clouds opened up and God spoke…ok, not really, but that is what it felt like in this little head of mine.

If immeasurably more had an expiration date, it wouldn’t be immeasurably more. If we only had one calendar year to believe God for immeasurably more, how big would He really be? The words themselves speak beyond time, so how can we confine God to time system that He doesn't even follow?  

It was a lie. The enemy wanted to reel me into said lie that I have outdone my faith in God’s promises of immeasurably more. The Everlasting does not end. The promises of the Everlasting do not expire. And the immeasurably more that He offers doesn’t run out when He places us in our immeasurably more. He doesn’t get us in the adventure of immeasurably more and dump us off to fend for ourselves. I believe the fact that God promised that He would give us immeasurably more is a challenge to us to believe Him for how big He truly is! He can out do Himself. He is bigger than last year. We alone stifle the immeasurably more that God wants to lead us into.

I know stepping into this year, I wondered how God would ever “out-do” this adventure to Italy. Eyes wide open, though I am unable to see far into the distance.  Each day, He releases more of the blinders off of my eyes that hindered my faith and trust in Him. When our eyes are open, we can then realize that immeasurably more doesn’t necessarily come with a change of scenery, but a different perspective of who God is and what He is doing in this world around us. I never realized the significance of seeing God in immeasurably more when you aren't moving. When life isn't really going anywhere, we seem to think God has forgotten our belief in what He has to offer. It has taken me many years and thousands of miles...and hindsight... to see that God was always moving. He was always working, whether it is to bring me to the place I am now, or to keep me where I never thought I would be, He can do nothing less than offer immeasurably more. 

The veil was torn so we could access God. He wants us to see more of Him. He wants to SHOW us more. That is my immeasurably more. I CAN believe God for immeasurably more this year. Immeasurably more is timestamped into eternity. He has placed me in a situation where all I desire is to run hard after Him, and I want nothing more than to keep my focus on His face. 

Freedom's Fire.

Freedom’s Fire.

Freedom. We all desire it. The ability to not have to answer to anyone or explain your actions to others. We all want to live life freely, as do I. But the realization of wanting freedom and actually experiencing it, are two completely different things.

It wasn’t something I necessarily asked for, but when living in the plans of God, He allows us the freedom to live the life He so beautiful and masterfully crafted for each of us. This freedom, however, looks a bit different than what I expected. My freedom isn’t the world’s definition of freedom. I have to answer to God. I am allowed to live under His perfect grace and I have to trust His ways are good. This isn’t freedom where I live alone without rules, consequences, or guidelines. It is dependent freedom. I am quite certain I’ve never used those two words together in a sentence before, but there is so much beauty in the freedom God offers.

I have been in Italy for two and a half weeks, and God has spoken and breathed so much freedom into my life already.

 Freedom from myself.

Freedom from what “I” am supposed to look like.

Freedom from the “me” I created.

Freedom to live the way I was made.

This freedom has caused so many emotions. It is a beautiful picture of what God is doing in my life, but the most painful process I have experienced to date.

God grabbed hold of my heart a few years ago, and the journey we have been on since is indescribable. It is completely different to know about the journey you are on with God and to actually walk it out. I knew that God was preparing to strip away the parts of me that were holding me back from living fully alive. I knew that God wanted me all to Himself. I knew that His ways are so different than my ways. And, now, on my silver platter painted with a green, white, and red stripe of the Italian flag, this knowledge has become real life. He wants the grown-up version of me with a childlike faith. Oh, to balance this. He is stripping away the “me” I so desperately try to be (even though I didn’t have a clue what I was striving for!) and has placed me in the refining fire of His grace. For those of you who aren’t aware….fire burns. It hurts. It is painful. But it purifies. And eventually, after this process, He will be able to see His reflection in me! Be still, my soul. There IS benefit to living in freedom’s fire. Piece by piece, He is tearing away the “me” I knew, and allowing me the freedom to see Him more clearly.

“And I will put this third into the fire and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’” Zechariah 13:9 

The Present.

I’m not a genius. No, according to a Facebook quiz my mental age is around 13 years old…you can say I have a long way to go (...but I also hope it was lying to me as well!) But, I’m just going to go ahead and state that it doesn't take a genus to know you can only be in one place at a time. In this moment, you and I are where we are, and unless I take a long flight back home, I will not be able to be where my heart longs to be.

I’ve realized the extreme intentionality of how God orchestrates our lives, even more so over the last 10 days. On August 5, 2013, I wrote a blog entitled FOMO – The Fear of Missing Out. In that moment, I did not recognize the life long lesson I was learning from a week vacation in Costa Rica. I was at the beautiful beaches and wanted to be home. Now, today I sit in beautiful Rome, Italy on the verge of tears because I want to be home. I battle between the reality of where I am in this moment and the urge to catch a plane to Georgia to go to Bible Study on Wednesday, Passion Conference this weekend, to see my friends and family…and my puppies! But, I’m not there. The more I continue to wrestle with my reality, the more weary I become. I’m living in a beautiful city with wonderful people and a language I have yet to master, but my heart leads me astray.

God calls His children to be present. He is good and therefore His plans are good. Why must I always question this? I second-guess my present state because it is uncomfortable, it is new, it is adventure, and when focused on my efforts I am more than a little bit afraid. I looked up the word “Present” in the dictionary only to find the following as synonyms: here, at hand, available, ready. When I am focused on being somewhere else than where God has me, I am saying to God, “I am unavailable to be used.” Wow. What a statement. When you put it that way, I don’t want to be that. Little by little he is unveiling the darkest fears from within me, bringing them to light so I may become fully available, ready, and present no matter where He may lead me.

I’ve realized my role now isn’t to be present but to pray. Though anyone who knows me knows that I love to be hands on, I love serving in anyway shape or form, but God has taken that away to place another task into my hands – not to be present physically but to be alive prayerfully. No matter where we in the world, the ears of God are always the same distance away. And in this time, God is allowing me the opportunity to purify my heart from one of doing to one of being still, praying, and waiting, whether or not I ever see the benefits in this lifetime. God is slowly stripping me of everything I know to be true about myself to reveal His reality of purpose for my life. He is transferring my longing of being “home” onto Himself. He has changed everything, so that I may know no gap to too big and everywhere is “home” when I’m walking with the Creator of the Universe. So, humbly from across the ocean deep, I will pray. Not with a heavy heart, but with one of great expectation for what God is doing around the world. Tomorrow, Atlanta will be wrecked for the gravity of the gospel. God is spreading out His people so all may see the glory of who He is and the beauty of His hands.  I pray that the ripple effects of grace with pour out on to broken hearts and lost souls. He is doing a great work! He will not be silenced! He alone is worthy! 

Living Fully Alive!

I've never truly been able to measure the strength of how God upholds me, until this moment. Not that I've never seen it, but many times I've seen it as an after effect of an experience or alone time with Him. He has quickly changed my perspective. I am mentally overexerted, I am challenged, yet, He alone in this present moment, is my constant. At times I feel like I have been thrown into the unknown waters of the ocean, but I've never been so at peace. I have asked why here, why now, and what am I doing with only one answer, "You don't need to know why, you just need to walk with Me." This. Is. Hard. Especially because before any walking, I like to plan where I am going so I don't get lost. This time is different. Today, I walked about 4 extra miles around Rome because I got lost. I tried to speak Italian to someone and failed miserably... as in I was trying to say "Good morning, have a nice day" and said "Thank you, bye." You could say I choked a little bit! But in what I see as failure God sees as change, little by little. God is constant because He is obviously perfect. I, on the other hand, fall devastatingly short of this perfection. He has me on this road to see change but to also see grace. I don't give myself enough sometimes - I wanted to show up the perfect little Mary Poppins, who speaks perfect Italian, and has all the right answers. Reality smacked me in the face to say, "You have none of the above." God speaks into my life saying," I'm preparing you to be something beyond the you you want to be." And all I can do is to give myself with open hands and speak, "But because you say so, I will."