It Really Hurts.

my heart hurts.

it hurts because my friends' are hurting.

it hurts because my community is hurting.

it hurts because my family is hurting.

injustice is so real.

i wish i could click my magic red heels and we would all be with you, Jesus, in Heaven.

what a day that will be, right? The day when the person to my left will be African and the one to my right will be Asian. When the person in front of me will be Italian, and the person in front of them will be German. When the neighborhood of Heaven will be filled with every tribe and tongue. Oh, my heart wants that so badly.

i hurt cause brothers and sisters hurt. it looks nice to raise your hands to Jesus on Sunday, but that doesn't give you a right to stick up your nose to your neighbor on Monday morning.

unity is a battle the enemy is fighting so hard against right now. God's Kingdom, His Chosen, His Children, the enemy is after us all. Can't you see it?!

I told someone today that when you become a Christian, it's like you're being clothed with Jesus for battle. Why are we acting like we have nothing to fight with? If my brother is hurting, i get to be the one he leans on. If my sister is wounded, in His strength, I get to help her up.

oh, my heart just feels like it's being ripped out. No, i'm not black. No, I might not fully understand what others go through on a day to day basis. but that doesn't mean, i don't feel pain when others hurt.

I know one thing, I love Jesus. Jesus is love. Love does not boast, love is not proud, love is kind. All I want is for people to know His love. It is perfect, unlike mine. I don't love well when I love out of my own strength. I get easily offended. I am prideful. I am weak. His love is perfect. His love COVERS ALL. His love is the gap-filler in our hearts. He is good. He is kind. He doesn't hate. He doesn't hurt. It is not His nature. The fall changed a lot, but it didn't change an All-Powerful God.

i just want you to know that today. You are loved. YOU, yeah you. Is hurt, on this side of Heaven inevitable, yeah. But can I tell you something? In our hurt, in injustice, in pain, HE is our voice, He is our hope, and He gets the final word.

we get an opportunity to stand united on a battle ground covered in blood of innocence, fear of hatred, and broken hearts. We get to stand, not on strength that is our own, because we are fragile.

we GET to stand, not as fragile humans, but as beloved children of God who have been given a family of all races, nations, tribes, and tongues. Oh, that will be my favorite day of all to see the you standing next to me, my black sister, singing better than I ever could, praising our same Jesus. I can't wait to hug my brother who speaks a language, on earth, I'll never know, as we praise our SAME Jesus.

I just want to stand with you. I just want to love you. Will you teach me how? teach us how, Jesus.

Hope Restored

I would just post an Instagram or short-and-sweet Facebook update, but that won’t do justice to what He did. 

So, if you’re feeling like hope is lost, like joy is far beyond reach, and you have no idea what in the world to do with the emotions you’re currently feeling, I understand. I promise, you're not alone. 

For as long as I have been home, I have been attending The Square. 3 months. Before Italy, never would I have imagined going on a retreat with a church that I had been attending for such a short time… but this is after Italy soooo life looks a little different. Evidently in the wave of reentry, 3 months brings around emotions of emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and confusion in how to transfer the new you in to old places. A lot right? Yes. In light of the insecurity and the battle in my head of a billion reasons why I shouldn’t, I went on the retreat. Suck it, Satan.

I knew two things coming into the retreat weekend: I was a mess and didn’t know why, and I needed Jesus to show up desperately. D.E.S.P.E.R.A.T.E.L.Y.

Straight out of the gate, I was aware that God’s presence was encircling us; it was hard not to notice. He didn’t want this to be just another church “retreat,” He gave us space away for perspective to see the revival that He is calling us into. What an honor. I stood amazed, yet felt so empty. How? I still can’t tell you. But, all I know is the tears were clear indicators that something inside was messed up and I was just ready to be done with it. I was tired of feeling “all of the emotions” every moment of every day without an explanation. I was worn out. I didn’t understand. I wanted consistent joy, yet felt like I was grasping for something that was merely slipping through my fingers instead. Through the tearstains from battling depression and dealing with the reentry process of being back in America, I was exhausted. I spent 3 months balancing trying to seek out joy with not being able to find purpose in my time in Italy. Because, yes, it sounds glamorous to have lived in the land so many dream to visit, but it wrecked me …in one of those “all of the emotions” type of way.

Saturday came and I was struggling. Tears began when I started to journal. All I could write was, “I feel empty but I believe something is coming.” I was clinging to whatever I could at that point. A few moments later, after trying to process what the heck was going on in my head and failing miserably, I found myself sitting on a bed weeping on the shoulder of one of my newest sweet friends. Ugly cry style, y’all. I hate not having reasons for the things I do (for the most part), so crying when I can’t figure out why I’m crying is hard. At one point she gently pointed out that this mark of reentry is one where you just feel…empty. She reminded me that this season is a balance of who you became in Italy and how that transfers back home. She reached down and the next moment opened her hand with a giving key in it. 

The word on it: 

She looked at me as she dropped it into my hand and said, “I feel like you need this.” I did. And I still do.

Saturday night was powerful. One of those nights that you try to explain to others, but the way the Holy Spirit moved can’t be described by words known to man. All I said to God was I need something. I need a word. I need to know you are here. I need freedom. I need joy. Something. Anything. I’m sick of this. From the moment we entered into the worship space, I knew The Holy Spirit was on the move. He hovered waiting for His children to open themselves to what He was about to shift in the atmosphere. The night ended with prophecy and healing. I was still grasping to my prayer when Darren called up those who have felt brokenhearted to come and be prayed over. I almost didn’t go. The enemy wanted me to think I wasn’t worthy enough to claim that that was true and that I was crazy for thinking my situation has left me heartbroken and empty. But as a faithful best friend who had no idea what had just gone through my head, Brittany looked right at me and said, “we’re goin up.” My heart was shattered, but I was still fighting the battle. With every step, I walked onto the battlefield, claiming that the lies had no place. As the Spirit moved, Darren stopped at me, held my head, and said, “HOPE.”

“I see renewed hope.” Renewed Hope. Hope Restored.

I wept.

In the next moment they began praying over those who had been struggling with depression and anxiety. Again, me. I wondered how many times they would allow me to be prayed over cause evidently they knew my life before they asked who needed prayer in these areas.

“You are Compassionate. There is Joy waiting. It is okay to laugh again.”

I wept. I wept because I wanted to laugh and mean it. I wanted to believe that joy could be mine. The longer they prayed, the more I could feel Jesus speak gently over me…

“I adore you!” I adore You.” I adore YOU.”

For the first time in my life, I believe Him. I actually believe that hope is being renewed, that He adores me, that joy is possible.

I realized I was free.

We ask for breakthrough. We pray for freedom. God in His grace, has the power to free us from the things that drag us down. In the wide-open spaces of freedom, you are left standing without the barricades that you grew so comfortable within. Our option is either to build back up the walls or embrace the fact that I look like a flailing idiot who doesn’t actually know what to do with the freedom I have prayed for for so long. From this moment on, it is my decision if I run back to the chains that God has graciously unlocked and thrown away. The walls that used to blind my eyes to hope and joy have crumbled down, and I have a choice to live in the freedom or build them back because it is more comfortable when I’m not exposed out in the open. That’s scary. But it is what He made us for right?

“By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.” Romans 5:1-2

We are left vulnerable, but not alone. I can’t put in to words everything that God did this past weekend, but one thing is for sure: I have never heard or seen God so clearly as I have to date. I think seeds were planted, some that the fruit will be seen immediately but others I won’t fully understand until months or years down the road. I am confident in what He is doing, I feel parts of my heart mending as He gently speaks into them, “I adore you.”

“There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!” Romans 5:3-5

The God Gaps

When you're a part of the work set in motion by the creator of the universe, letting go becomes passing the baton. In doing this, we don't have to say goodbye, we are just being entrusted with different things. Sometimes this is because God has finished His work in us that needed to be completed. But, especially recently, I've seen all too clearly that my letting go opens up a gap, a place that God has chosen others to fill for their appointed time. Selfishly the things that I love, I want to hold tight to. But I'm realizing over and over again, that letting go opens a gap, not only of the things were letting go of, but also in the things God wants to give us. Gaps are good. Not easy, but good. Gaps leave space between our capabilities and God divine purposes. We are not often asked to let go of things that are insignificant to us. Most times we are asked to let go of things we hold most dear so we can reset priorities, rearrange dreams, and remember that we are not the faithful ones in the equation of God + Us. Life has so often reminded me of the story of the boy with his dad walking along the beach. The boy searching for the greatest seashell he can find, collects others small ones along the way. He father, on the other hand, finds the biggest seashell on the beach and wants to give it to his son. But in order for the son to get the biggest seashell, he must let go of all he is holding on to. That is my life in a nutshell ... Or seashell... Ohhhh so bad it's good ... Nope just bad :/

But I feel like this season is so much of letting go. So many things I love, He's telling me to leave. Little moments and big moments alike that have defined my time in Italy and I have to let it go. There has to be a gap. I think so often we live in a tension - there's a gap and we need to fill it. God says there's a gap and only I can fill it. You can strive all you like to try, but you'll wear yourself out and never fill it all on your own. You can wait and walk with me or you can run at your pace that you think the gap should be filled and become worn out. Living in the gap is a gift when so often we see it as failure. God asks us to let go of things to make room. Never have I ever let go of something to get less than what I gave up in the first place. It's always more... Immeasurably more. That's our God. Gaps change as the seasons pass. There's always something new on the horizon. New is different, new is scary, new is surrender taken to a different level. New leaves gaps. Sometimes "new" is going back to something that no longer looks familiar. My new will be walking back to the place I call home and not knowing what I'm walking into, where I'm supposed to go, or how long I'll be there. And it's ok.

It's ok. It is well. I believe it with all of my heart. I am incapable of figuring my life out successfully. My plans are so often changed for the better, that stepping back and surrendering looks so much more fulfilling. Not easy by any means, says the girl who would if she could plan every moment of the next 5 years of my life. But I love that in Italy, of all places, God showed me what surrender looks like, what being refined and coming out victorious on the other side feels like, what walking through a scary wilderness with nothing to offer and opening my hands to accept Him... And it was always enough. He was always more than enough. Everything I ever lacked, He gave me more. Everything I ever dreamed, He gave me so much more. As I am about to leave this season and into the next, I'm confident of one thing: I'm not walking into easy. Yes, one season is soon to be over, but God isn't calling me back into a life of "I have it all figured out and life is exactly how I planned." And if I'm being honest, I can say I don't want that life anymore. Sometimes God has to call us out of comfort to show us we are capable of more than predicable with Him. The last 20 months have been anything but predictable. But my list of things I would have liked to happen have been so far exceeded, my hands remain open in surrender because His ways are higher and SOOOO MUCH BETTER! I claimed immeasurably more coming to Italy, and that is exactly what it was. And the amazing thing is that God doesn't give us a quota of immeasurably more. Immeasurably More isn't over now that I've almost finished this season - God is immeasurably more. Walking with Him always gives us immeasurably more - but it's not always in the ways we think. God keeps us guessing, that's the fun and scary part! The gaps don't scare Him. They invite Him in to more of our lives. In the next season I'll claim the gaps and believe for only immeasurably more to fill it. He is so good. I'm just in awe and so thankful.

Ticket Booked Into My New Season

I'll be honest. I wasn't going to share this blog with many people. I feel like in sharing this, its making the statement to God in saying, "I accept what is coming." Time in Italy has shown me how to accept the unexpected and look forward to the destruction of my "good" plans and believing for God's bigger plans….SO SO much bigger.

So, here I am, sitting on my balcony in Rome, Italy, watching the clouds roll in and the rain begin to fall, and all I know to do is praise Him. Let this be my declaration to live with the open hands and accept what He's offering and where He is taking me.

Time to make room.

April 16, 2015

I booked my ticket into my next season today.

I just realized that my time in this season has been given an end date. If you had asked me in September of last year if I would have been happy about moving on, I would have said yes. I would have been ready for everything that was to come, and I would have known exactly where I would fit back in to life in Georgia. Well, this isn’t September of last year anymore, and the tears have already flowed thinking about leaving this season, when I still have a few more months. The fact that that is my reaction in the first place, is nothing short of a miracle. I know that sounds crazy, but the moment I realized God changed my heart from the girl who wanted to go “home” to the one who was ready to embrace this season and jump all in to what He wanted to give me, was when I could actually feel chains breaking loose. There was freedom of gripping so tightly to my plans and living in the state of surrender that I desired, but I knew was way to scary to embrace. God asked me to stay in September because He knew I wasn’t ready to go into a new season without the things that were to come in fulfilling the plans in this season. I “knew” where I wanted to be, and for most of my time last year, I lived “knowing” I would be there if I could just get out of this season. Ha. That’s no way to live in the first place, I can see that now. To live in full surrender is probably the scariest, craziest, and most fulfilling thing God could ever ask anyone to do. I’ve learned that instead of gripping to things that I want to happen, I can hold tightly to the things I know to be true, and let God, the giver of dreams and desires, fulfill the things inside of me that I don’t ACTUALLY know how to fulfill properly…MIND BLOWING, and difficult.

Going home never seemed scary until now. Only because the “me” that left, isn’t the “me” that is returning. There are changes that I already know will take place that I would have never dreamed would be true. The letting go of dreams and finding new ones. Being given a voice, new passions, new hopes, new places to go, is empowering. My plane ticket isn’t taking me back home to do and be what I was in January 2014. God changed everything. I see Him differently. To see the reality of how He works when all seems hopeless. To see the way He provides when you’re up against a wall and all you can do is pray. I’ve seen God provide people for my church EXACTLY at the moment we needed them. Little did they know they were stepping into something so much bigger than themselves. I’ve seen God provide money when I just wanted to go see my family in August. I’ve seen God turn my small salary into JUST ENOUGH every single month. I may not always come out in the positives, but it’s never negative, it’s always just the amount that was needed. I’ve seen God change hearts to love Him. I’ve seen God begin a great work in the hearts of children. I’ve seen people step up in times of need, not to be “seen” but because their genuine love for Jesus drives them to serve and to love as He did. I’ve seen God ignite passions in people and I’ve seen platforms being built for them to carry out those passions for His glory. I’ve seen God set dreams on fire to allow greater dreams to take root and begin to grow.

God in the comfort zone looks so small. But God, when you have nothing to give, when you step out of comfort, when you say “yes” even when it seems crazy, is beautiful.  I will probably be processing how big God is just from seeing Him so clearly over the last year and a half for the rest of my life. Once you taste and see Him in this way, life doesn’t look the same. I believe that God isn’t calling me to step back into something, He’s calling me to step into something new, something I haven’t even thought of yet. 

Even so, It Is Well With My Soul

Staying.

Sometimes staying is harder than leaving. 

Sometimes being faithful means standing still and remaining in a place of desperation for God.

Sometimes, even when God knows the desires of your heart, He still tells you to stay where you don’t necessarily want to be.

Sometimes, the planner in you wants to figure out where God is going to take you next, when He says, “you’re right where I want you, Beloved.”

Sometimes, He says to stay in the waves that are crashing over top of you, yet in uncertainty, you must keep pressing on because you will NOT be defeated.

Sometimes, nothing makes sense….ever… and God says, “trust me.”

You know, I remember telling God to send me. “Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” I dubbed that “my song”… and then God said, “I’m taking you to Italy.” Blindfolded, I went. I arrived with nothing less than a massive dose of reality… I am here for one year. My pep talks became, “You only have ___ more months. You can make it. Trust that you are here for a reason. God doesn’t do things by accident.” Months have gone by, time has passed quickly and January has been staring me in the face, giving me perseverance for the short time I have left …when God changed everything. Doesn’t He always.

A few weeks ago, I sat in a group with about 15 people praying for a new church to be planted in Rome. God quietly spoke, “Your time isn’t up.” As the meeting went on, my spirit started to feel some type of way…and I didn’t exactly like it. Two weeks prior, when asked if I would stay in Rome longer past January my response was "only if God sends a lightning bolt down from Heaven and tells me to stay I will…otherwise, I'm out." Well, it wasn't exactly that, but prompting from the Holy Spirit did more than the non-existent lightning bolt I was hoping for. Little by little, things became clear. “I want you to stay.” “You aren’t finished here.” “I have begun a good work, I will carry it out to completion. Just be patient.” And then today happened.

I sat on my bed watching Ben Stuart’s talk on Song of Solomon. I thought I was free of commentary about my status in Rome…but no. Leave it to God to speak into your situation when about staying when you are listening to a talk on relationships.

“Sometimes you need to stay and pick the weeds to reap the harvest.”  

The end. I just sat back and said, “I hear you, God.” What harvest? I can’t see anything past the tip of my nose let alone what God has planted and will be harvesting in the future. I’ve never been more exhausted in a nine-month period than these last nine months. I’ve also never been so in awe with who God has shown Himself to be. When I say He is my everything, my heart bursts with excitement because He actually is! None of this, “Oh I’m saying it to make me look good.” There is no one here to “look good” for…so that isn’t even an option. He is good. I have seen His hand at work. He is changing everything I know to be true about me and replacing it with the truth of who He says I am! 

I began to write an email today, and realized God was writing it for me. All I ended it with was, “I will stay until He tells me to go.”

I will stay until He tells me to go. 

As soon as those words posted to my computer screen, I knew I had to stop fighting. I was stressing myself out with trying to find a way out, all the while saying I trusted God’s plan. In that moment, I got my answer. The one I didn’t want, but deep down I knew it was coming. Stay. When January has been my check out point, now God has turned it into the beginning of a new season, new months, and new adventures. He began something, and He is not finished. So, as of about 11:00am this morning, I told Him I would stay. When I talked with the family tonight, and that looks to be July. I have a calm about it, but at the same time, God is ripping me to shreds. I told Him what I want, He said, not yet. I trusted Him to bring me to Italy, and I trust that His plans to bring forth life in whatever seeds He has planted. Nonetheless, I sit here, stunned at what He is capable of. I can stand on His promises. I can walk in His strength. And I can carry on in His abundant love. My immeasurably more in Italy just added a few more months. It is well with my soul. My immeasurable more is staying in the unknown and tasting and SEEING with my own eyes that The Lord is good. If I sat here and said that this wasn't difficult, it would be the biggest lie I've ever told (maybe next to the lie I told in 4th grade that I would help my 125 year old neighbor ride his bike everyday… :)). But, He word is good. His love has carried me through 9 months of Italian struggles, and He isn't done! He is faithful. How great is our God! 

The Truth About Italy. The UnSugarCoated Details.

What Italy is really like:

For those of you who know me – I’m sure I’ve given my fair share of input about my current adventure in Italy. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly I’m more, now than ever, aware of God’s constant presence in and around me.. No – I’m not perfect at remembering, and I would be lying if I said in the raging tantrums of my 4 year old little rascal I can constantly be in tune to how God would have me to love him instead of wanting to scream and run away. I am still learning. Not a day goes by that God doesn’t have something in store. Many have asked how Italy is going, and with over half of this year under my belt – its about to get real up in herrrr! Sugar coat? I will not. Here is the truth about what my life is like in Italy and here it is the constant goodness of my God who holds me fast in this season.

Italy is beautiful. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing this place is real. God took extra care to make this country absolutely stunning in every way! I am fully aware that I am living people’s dreams right now. Sometimes, this is overwhelming. I am a people pleaser and therefore I don’t want others to feel bad about not being here. I know it sounds crazy – but I’m just telling the truth. It’s hard to balance the dreams of others and my reality that is beyond dreams I could ever have had for myself. So, God speaks into this saying “ I dreamt dreams for you before you had dreams to dream. Be present on this adventure that I am taking you on! Trust me to fulfill my dreams for everyone else in My timing.” I go back and forth between feeling bad for those who dreamed of this life and trying not to sound too excited about where I am in fear that I will be hated for the life I am living and what people can see from the outside.

I want to encourage those in seasons of beauty: SOAK IT IN, Live it up, and learn how to see God’s face in it all! For those waiting on beauty, feeling overlooked, and wondering where adventure is, I challenge you to: SOAK IT IN!! See the things around you that you have already been given. God is waiting to be found in every area of our lives but sometimes our stubbornness hinders us from realizing His goodness through it ALL! Not one day in the span of your life is wasted, worthless, or overlooked by God. Not one moment…ever! So anything telling you otherwise is a lie. You can go ahead and dispel that – ready go!

Italy is slowing grabbing of pieces of my heart and allowing me to feel and experience emotions that I never knew I had the capability to feel. Some good, some terrifying. In these moments, God continues to speak into my dreams. I had a conversation with two amazing friends when they came to visit Sorrento. They asked me what my dream job would be after this year is over. I couldn’t answer. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I honestly have never allowed myself to believe that I was worthy of dreaming dreams and asking God for them. I didn’t feel worthy to live life into immeasurably more but God is showing me that His dreams far outweigh my fear of dreaming for myself. So, I sat down to write out my dreams… not out of fear but out of expectation and it makes my heart race with excitement. I feel like a little child sitting at the feet of Jesus asking what is coming next and waiting in trust that what I have written will be fulfilled. I’ve come far enough to know that how I think God will do this, is probably opposite of how He actually will, so I will wait in His presence and trust Him to go before and prepare what He has.

A day in the life in Italy. On any given day, I will meet at least one new person. Italians are generous, loving, and if you are part of the family you will feel nothing less than protected and provided for. It is incredible. I was walking on the street one day to a hike in a place called Baia Di Jeranto. I stopped to ask a girl for directions and she told me to go to the bus stop down the street. Well, I am impatient and don’t like to wait so I kept walking past the bus stop….and kept walking. I found out there was a bus strike that day and I would have to walk 3 more miles to get me to my destination and hike another 3.5 miles to the bay where I was headed in the first place. Next thing I know, the same girl pulls up on the side of me with her motorino and tells me to get on! She drove me the next few miles because she didn’t want me to have to walk that far before I was going to hike! WHAT?! Generosity. She was looking out for a stranger, not because she had to or felt pressured, but that is how Italians are!

You wont ever leave hungry…EVER. If you don’t gain weight, they will think you are sick and just try to feed you more food. The movies don’t lie people! This is real life! On any given day, you will eat enough pasta, pizza, and cheese to feed a small country. I am constantly amazed by the intake of food and the small body sizes of the Italian people…it doesn’t make sense to me, and I’m sure it never will.

I Au-Pair for 3 children, 12, 10, and 4. With two girls entering their teenage years and a boy who is …. Ummm… difficult, I fight to stay sane on a daily basis. There are so many beautiful moments, and so many really, really difficult ones. But, as I mentioned before, God is teaching me to see His face in ALL of it, not just the good. I’m learning how to love when I don’t want to, I’m learning how to communicate through walls of struggle and hurt, and I’m learning how to navigate situations I never thought I would ever be in. This is a fight in the good and bad, and my grip on God is tighter than ever. I’ve seen beauty in conversations about God. I’m getting a taste of my own medicine with the oldest…as she acts JUST like I did when I was younger (which was obviously perfect….oh wait…). I see the middle struggle to be seen, so I can show her that she is loved and seen not only by me but also by her Savior. I see a youngest who yearns for discipline, but balancing love and boundaries is harder than it may sound for a child who isn’t used to that. All of this is in the place where God is telling me that the REAL Kristi is to be found as well. Needless to say, it is a lot. I am in a constant state of surrender…. Knowing I can’t carry all of this well without Him.

I’m proud of my Italian roots. I’ve learned so much about the culture here, and so much of my life makes sense because of it. My mom’s hospitality, my dad’s adventurous spirit… and stubbornness, my grandma’s feistiness, my granny’s devotion….everything. I get to little by little piece together my history while in the place so much of my family lived, worked, and loved. There is so much more that I am expecting for in the second half of my year here…and all of it, I’m not sure how to put into words. I know one thing, I’m trusting without borders, I’m loving without boundaries, and I’m learning without trying to tell God that I know better. He’s smart to put me in a place of unknown so I can only depend on His strength and trust that His timing is perfect, His heart is good, and His dreams for me are immeasurably more! I'm being romanced by Jesus in the beauty of His creation. He is putting me back together, little by little, He is uncovering the Kristi that I have stuffed down because of fear. He is breathing life into places I never knew were dead. He is showing me His face in places beyond my wildest dreams. Italy. Jesus. Kristi. Life. That is what it is really like. 

I Lift My Eyes!

“I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalms 121:1-3)

I’ve had these words stuck in my head for the last few hours and all I can do it to keep repeating them over and over. It made me wonder what David was thinking when he wrote these words. If I look to the mountains, my cry isn’t immediately going to be answered. If I set a goal and would like to attain it and I look to the hills, my goal isn’t going to be reached in that instant. I don't recall a time I asked advice from someone and their response was, "look to the hills!" So what help will it do when I am in need of saving that is outside of my capabilities? Look to the hills, David says. Why? 

The other day I swam at the base of a mountain, in a bay hidden far away from civilization. Not even realizing it, God was answering this future question for me. I didn’t stand at the base of the mountain, look up, and list off the things that I want to unfold in my life. I swam at the base of the mountain in compete awe and wonder. There were no words that I could possibly speak that would have graced the surface of the joy I knew that instant. I begged God to help me remember the view, the peace, and the love He was showing me.

So, why then, do we look to the hills? Because, when we look to the hills we aren't looking into the face of a solution to our difficulties, we are looking into the face of the Creator. 

We see God in His greatness, in the intricate details of His creation and it gives us a perspective of the beautiful God that says He loves US and that He has GOOD in store FOR us. 

I couldn’t look up to the hills and remember the things that so frequently consume my mind: wants, needs, desires, dreams. I sat in awe. Speechless. I felt as though I was starring into the face of God, and everything else faded away. David knew that in order for him to face what God was setting in front of him, He had to be able to stop and see the face of the One who was going to help him through it. We look up to the hills to see the greatness of our God. We look to the hills because we are given greater perspective to see that our help comes from the One who created the massive structure in front of us, and in one word from His mouth, it can and will move.

If you are facing trials, I urge you to find a mountain, sit at its base and look up. 

As big as that mountain looks to you, that is infinitely times how much bigger God is to the problems you are facing. 

Look up and know His word is true, and His promises to you WILL be fulfilled. Look up and know that if He wants the mountain to move, it will, if He wants the mountain to stay, it will, and if He wants the mountain to crumble to the ground, it WILL because He says so. And as His children, we get to live in that strength, that joy, and that love. That is the God you serve, and THAT is the God who sees beyond the mountain. When you are sitting at the base, you can't see the other side. God offers us peace because He ALONE knows what is coming. You can't be in the valley of the mountain and at it's peak…He already is. Rest in looking up. 

Remember He is in it WITH you and beyond it FOR you! 

Accept Healing…Don't just look at it.

For the last few days, I have noticed a slight cold coming on, something I have been trying to fight since I realized it was happening. The welcoming of summer intersected with an unwelcome illness. Nonetheless, life goes on and work must take place. Every morning I walk Franci to school, a short time but always beautiful. Not to mention her school overlooks the Colosseum, a detail I often point out to show how God has blessed the family. As routine, yesterday we walked to school. We talked. We memorized a bible verse (which is nothing short of amazing!). And we said hello to our friend who sits at the bottom of the stairs that lead to her school. As I dropped her off, I walked back into what I thought was going to be my normal walk back home. I put my headphones in and began to walk when my thoughts were interrupted by the kindness and generosity of our friend. He speaks broken Italian. I hardly speak Italian. So, our communication is a result of our mad skills in hand gestures. He didn’t say much, but he reached out his hand, I thought to shake mine good-bye, but in it he had a candy. I thanked him repeatedly as I know he doesn’t have much to call his own. Of course, in that moment…and as a child of the 21st century, I thought “I have to instagram this! God is so faithful to teach me how to be generous with little.” He is teaching me that in more ways than I can count. Stripping me of all the ways I would “give” to others, and showing me the blessing of new ways to be generous when I don’t have a dollar to my name. I promised myself, I would save this piece of candy as a remembrance of God showing me His love and grace in this time. As true as it is, that God provides even when we have nothing to give, I missed the biggest point He was trying to teach me, until this morning.

Again, our friend met us with a “Ciao” and a candy for both Franci and I. I was so grateful and thanked him again. But as I began to walk back home, I had a moment of realization. This candy that I promised I would save and look at to remember God’s faithfulness, wasn’t a candy. It was wrapped like a candy, but inside held something I didn’t expect. Healing. This cute little piece of candy with writing that didn’t made any sense, was actually a cough drop. Instead of giving me something I can look at to remember Him, God was offering me something I could use in the healing He wanted to offer. It was like God was saying, 
“Yes, that would be cute if you kept it in a box and let it rot forever. But I want to give you something that will actually bring you healing, not just a visual of what healing looks like.”

Sometimes God offers healing in unexpected places, but in order to be healed we must accept the process in which God will allow healing to begin. For me, it was not just accepting the cough drop, but allowing myself to begin the healing process with it. No, it wasn’t a magical cough drop and I am not completely healed physically yet, but I realized as much as God offers healing we must allow ourselves to step into it with Him. God is faithful in offering, we must be faithful in receiving, even when it doesn’t make sense, or comes from a place we don’t expect.

Healing isn’t just a pretty piece of candy that can be saved and looked at to hope that God will one day heal you. That cough drop wouldn’t do my healing any good if I just looked at it. God doesn’t give us the promise of healing so we can see how cool it would be if He healed us. He says “here, eat this and allow healing to begin.” Where does God want to heal you? What ways is He offering to? Accept it. Begin the healing. So all in all…Eat the cough drop, people!  

Three Years with Jesus!

Three years ago on May 14, 2011. I sat alone and convicted in my room overlooking the mountains in Snowmass, Colorado. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, and I had come to the end of me. I didn’t know where else to turn, so with the energy I could muster, I cried, “Fine, Jesus, let’s do this.” Nothing had worked, so I said yes. The road of “me” immediately ended, and little did I know what was ahead. All He wanted was for me to acknowledge that He had better, and we started running in the opposite direction, changing everything I knew about life. Fading out the lies, He spoke truth in their place. Looking back, I can only see His face. He led me out of darkness, and brought me into life. He covers my past, He died for my mistakes, and He is all I want to see no matter where I am looking. His hand of mercy, so strong and sure, led me to…

Today. I sit alone and in awe in my room overlooking the terraces of my neighbors in Rome, Italy. May 14, 2014 marks three years of “Me and Jesus,” as my phone so beautifully reminded me this morning as I awoke. I’m not at all where I thought I would be, but I am where I’m supposed to be. Thank God that He sees beyond my selfish, narrow-minded, prayers of want to guide me to where He knows is best. Who knew that “finding myself” and finding all of Him would be lived out in this beautiful country. My dream was to visit. God uses our dreams to give us purpose and to bring glory to His name. I remember a friend saying when I was about 13 years old, “God doesn’t give us desires that He won’t fill.” I’ve never known that to be truer. 

At the core of everything I desired, in any given moment in my life, was always Him. 

He knows that. We are wired with the innate longing for our Savior. He knew that when I got down to the nitty-gritty of what I truly wanted in life it would be Him. Then Italy came, on a beautiful silver platter, but I knew that accepting it was recognizing the reality that everything was changing. Accepting Jesus in my heart was accepting the journey we would take together (though I didn’t know that at the time)… the good, the bad, the hard, and the joy. I would have never guessed in my wildest dreams that I would be where I am. True, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. No, I don’t know the next step I’m taking when I leave Italy. But God called me on to this beautiful and intricately woven road, so I trust Him to lead the way. I’ve realized the joy of walking with Jesus begins with the fact that I don’t have to have it all together to be loved by Him. If that were the case I would never be worthy enough to be called His. He calls us though we are weak and sinful into a life of joy and promise.

If I’m being honest, I had a lot more to say but realizing the gravity of where God has brought me I leaving me nothing short of speechless. He took me from the Rocky Mountains to Rome, Italy to prove that His dreams for me are bigger than I could dream for myself. 

He took me from the bars in Athens, GA to a church in Atlanta, Georgia to show He is worthy of all of my praise. 

He brought me from depression, from self-hatred, from screaming voices of lies and wrapped my identity in Him and deemed me worthy of love. 

He took me from death to life and made a way in everlasting unity with Him. 

Really, all I can say is, 3 years with Jesus has changed everything. I have a feeling that it doesn’t end any time soon. So, all I can do is keep my eyes on Him and trust He knows more, He sees more, and He loves more. He is good! He is worthy! Realizing that this is just the beginning, I will just hold on tightly and enjoy this beautiful ride. Happy Anniversary Jesus :) 

"We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand - out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise!" Romans 5:1

Slain...

“I come, God, I come

Return to the Lord

The One who’s broken

The One who’s torn me apart

You strike down to bind me up

You say you do it all in love

That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me

Yet I praise you

Though you take from me

I will bless your name

Though you ruin me

Still I worship

Sing a song to the One who’s all I need"

 - Shane and Shane

For the last 48 hours I have been amazed that a song has been written that sums it all up. Everything I know about life is changing. Everything I clung to has been ripped out of my hands. Everything I identified myself with, has faded. Everything I knew about me has been wrecked and ruined. I am ruined. Everything I never wanted to face, is staring me down. Everything I have been running away from, God is intentionally making me sit in and feel. I sit helpless in the Arms of Life and I can offer nothing because I came to the end of my road the moment I stepped on a plane to Italy. Life passes with immeasurable uncertainty, and I am told to trust. I have been left with nothing, but been given everything. I have hope. I have grace. I have experienced what it feels like to be alone with Jesus and the beauty that He offers. I am in a place where I want nothing more than to cling to Him with every ounce of by being. He is the only thing in life that makes sense. He brings beauty in the storm. He is showing me how to love when I don’t feel like it. He is showing me what His love looks like when I am too stubborn to see. He is slowly taking blinders off to show me how massively perfect His plan is. He is my constant. He is everything.

I remember bible study with my girls, always saying we were “slain.” Haha! We would always say that when God is just going all out, and we couldn’t handle it. Well, God is going all out, and it is absolutely painful. Now, I know you must be thinking, how painful can it be when you are in Rome, Italy? I realize my circumstances, and I am beyond grateful for them. In God’s beautifully orchestrated plan He knew this place would be farthest from my mind in terms of “where I saw myself in _____ number of years.”

My dreams never consisted of Italy. But God’s dreams always consisted of me.

He wanted ALL of me, not just the few parts I would allow Him to take control over. I held on to half of me, He got the leftovers. I grasped control and the narrow-minded vision of what life with Jesus looked like, and I allowed Him to chime in when it wasn’t working out quite right. I... I ... I… Rome is the place where God replaced the ‘I’ with ‘Himself,’ not because I came to the altar and handed over everything so perfectly, but because He had the grace to see beyond my vision of life and take me out before it overtook me. Everything looks different. Yes, I am living in a beautiful city. Yes, I am in the most painful place I’ve ever faced in my life. I am being ruined, uprooted, torn and slain.

God sees me in my potential, but He loves me in my progress.

I fight a daily battle with the me I have been called out of, the ‘me’ that I’ve known for 27 years, the ‘me’ that is used to getting what she wants. My fight isn’t ceasing, in fact, it is increasing, but God is proving His strength to be greater than I could have ever imagined. I don’t have the strength on my own to deal with a screaming 3 year old, let alone the voices screaming in my head. I am completely incapable of succeeding in this season of life on my own. I know on the other end, I will only be able to praise Jesus for the transformation He is allowing. So, in the midst of being ruined, broken, slain, and torn, I will worship.

I can stand because Jesus died. He paid everything. He, too, was broken, ruined, slain, and torn, not for Himself, but for me. I can fight this fight because an empty grave says He already won the war. I can stand on the crashing waves because His nail-scared hands hold me up. I can be blinded to what is next because His vision sees beyond the here-and-now into my forever with Him.

He is seated in the end of my battle yet He carries me through the present. 

Pain still hurts, but pain with purpose births beauty. His pain was for me. I will trust Him. I will praise Him. I will sing a song to the One who’s all I need.

My Italian Miracle

It was time…FINALLY! My first Italian vacation with amazing friends to Venice!! Stepping, once again, into the unknown, I had never felt more prepared. I knew God anointed this trip, and prepared the way for us to go. I was ready; I was so pumped. We arrived at the airport to pick up the car around 12:00 where Friday excitement was soon met with challenge. The car rental place wanted to charge us 800 EURO…yes 800…for a deposit to take the car off the lot. Let’s all say it together…ain’t nobody got time fo dat! After frantically calling family members and talking to the agents, they told us we could buy the insurance and only put down a 300 euro deposit to be held on the car. Ellie’s amazing dad quickly transferred money and we were able to get on the road around 1:30. In that moment I realized, my plans for this trip had been quickly shifted to the wayside. 

As we managed to successfully drive out of the city, I was mostly silent and in constant awe of the country and position God has placed me in. First, I was driving, something anyone who knows me knows I love to do…probably more than the average person. Second, I was in Italy driving through mountain ranges that stretched beyond the sky. My eyes and heart in pure wonder over the God who had the vision to create such a stunning work. With road signs that didn’t make sense, and a view that often distracted me, we safely arrived at our Hotel in Venice. As excited I was to get away for the first time, nothing could have prepared me for what Burano and Venice had to offer. A small island in Venice called Burano, I had seen pictures of these colorful houses and beautiful landscapes but I was dumbfounded when an image became reality. I know my friends probably thought I was rude, but many times I couldn’t speak because I was so in awe. The colors of the houses, the water as the sun glistens on the waves, the fact that the roads are in the water FOR THE BOATS not cars, there are no words. I couldn’t help but send some praise and congratulations up to God throughout the whole day for being brilliantly beautiful in His masterpiece. My apologies in advance, but I will NOT stop talking about this place!!

Amongst the joy, God quickly showed what it means to truly be in awe of Him. He showed us what trust without borders looks like when you put it in to action. We spent an incredible weekend in Venice, celebrating friendship, praising Jesus and celebrating Julia’s birthday!! It was so blessed! We headed home, with memories and joy in our hearts from what God allowed us to see over the few days! I thought that leaving would have been the high of the trip, but it turns out that in desperate times, God showed up even greater and even more beautifully! We set off on our 6.5 hour trip back to Rome, happy, exhausted, and filled with joy. About 3 hours in, the car started making noise, and we pulled over only to find that a screw had gotten stuck in the tire. And the best part is that He isn’t finished…. He is just getting started. May my eyes be open to see beyond my circumstance into the greatest purposes of He who has called me.

The nicest people came to help us, amongst the broken English and broken Italian, we were able to communicate. We decided to carry on and continue to drive as the screw was already to far in the car. All I could say was “it will be a miracle when we pull in to that parking deck at the airport, girls!” We kept driving but about 30 minutes down the road we heard the dreaded sound of air quickly seeping out of the tire. We had to pull over, and began to call family members and insurance companies to figure out what to do. In the meantime, God was holding us in the palms of his hands and keeping us safe. Pulled off into a ditch on the side of the road, I unsuccessfully tried to change the tire while waiting for the nice person to come help. I know, patience isn’t my forte. The sweetest little non-English speaking Italian man came to our rescue. He changed our tire within 3 minutes…I starred at the flat tire longer than it took him to finish completely change it! He finished, but then began to warn us that we CAN NOT go farther than 50 km before we need to change the tire. He hand-motioned a “kaboom” that the car would break if we went to far. With 250 km to go, I began to worry. I am not a car expert, but I know I would not like to go “kaboom” with the car. Overwhelmed with what we were about to face, I only knew to pray. I realized this whole situation was out of my control and God had provided me an ample opportunity to trust and surrender. This was the moment I had been praying for that looked completely opposite of what I expected. I remember praying that I would see God’s face. It is a lot easier to focus on His when mine isn’t in the way. I handed Julia my phone to play a song and without knowing anything God was speaking over me, she began to play “Oceans.” Within the next 10 minutes my mom texted to say they had just played “Oceans” at PCC as well. I was stunned, silent, and in a constant state of surrender. I gripped the wheel and prayed that God would have His way, that I would know His strength. I battled doubt and fear for 5 hours of the drive, constantly having to refocus that God had control over the situation. My heart skipped a beat every bump we hit, but we continued on. 250 km later, we pulled in to the airport-parking garage completely in awe and overwhelmed by the miracle we had just witnessed. I couldn’t fully process what happened last night, but God keeps bringing prayers I’ve prayed to mind, and He was more than specific in His answering them. He was there. I saw His face glistening on the waters in the same way I saw it on the spare tire we found in the trunk of the car. I got to witness beauty in joy and beauty in pain. I had a plan, but God knew better, He always does. I am blessed to be able to say that I am alive right now and that we made it safely home only because of God. There is no other possible explanation as to how anything happened. He put us in that situation so our faith would be sure and our trust would grow stronger, and ultimately that He alone would get the glory… and with all that is in me I will praise and exalt His precious name.

I Was Supposed To….

At this moment, I am currently sitting at my house in Rome. I’m not complaining by any means, but my family is currently on vacation in the mountains where I was supposed be this week as well. I’ve had a full range of emotions since they left: sad because the mountains are my happy place, excited because I get to rest and be alone, annoyed because I have been sick for 3 weeks (hence why I am staying home, doctors orders), and many others.

And, for a split second I believed I am not where I am supposed to be. I prayed that I would be able to go on this trip, with that gut feeling that it won’t go the way I planned it. When the doctor said I was too sick to leave Rome, I felt as though she just punched me in the stomach.

“But God, it’s the MOUNTAINS! Remember, I love them. This will be bonding time with the family and I! I don’t want them to be put out because I’m not there. And God… IT IS THE MOUNTAINS!”

Prayers answered, but not how I wanted. “But God, I’m SUPPOSED to be in the mountains right now.” The words flooded out so quickly, and like the gracious Father He is, God stopped me in my tracks.

I’m not where I’m supposed to be….statistics say, I am supposed to be married with 2.5 children, I am supposed to have a steady job, I am supposed to have enough money saved up to feed a small country, I am supposed to….supposed to…supposed to…

The reality is, my “supposed to” is now irrelevant. Into my rant about where I am “supposed to be” God breathed these words….

When you step into immeasurably more you step out of “supposed to” and into surrender.

With God our cup overflows. When we accept living in immeasurably more, we must loosen our grip to where we are “supposed to be.” With open hands, we allow God to work outside of the confines of expectation. From my point of view, I believed that I was “supposed to be” in the mountains…but that is exactly it…it was from my point of view: limited and narrow minded. I can’t see beyond what I can see… what I choose to see.

That is the bonus of surrender, my eyes can be shut to direction but I’m being guided by the One who sees all, is in all, and created all. It is hard not to trust Him…yet it is hard to trust. I know that in my mind, I was supposed to be somewhere else this week.

But if I was always where I believed I was supposed to be, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

Rome. Italy. Immeasurably More. Being refined in His fire. Challenged. My life is the proof that God sees beyond my view point and into His perfect plan. I’m “supposed to be” a lot of things, but that was thrown to the wayside when I said “Yes” to Him. So, I can settle knowing I’m right where I need to be, in immeasurably more where nothing makes sense and God gets all the glory!

Month Two in the Beautiful, Painful Unknown.

Two-Month Trial

Looking back, I can 100% see why God didn’t allow me to open my eyes to what He had planned for me. I can honestly say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I would have known what was on the horizon, I would have run the opposite way…very, very quickly. God didn’t open my eyes to Italy until after I arrived, and even then He allowed me to see through the lens with squinty eyes and blurred vision.  My eyes are open yet limited. Praise God in the Heavenly realms, He knows best. So often in unknown places we subject ourselves to stumbling, failure, and awkwardness. As a self proclaimed “runner,” not necessarily in the working out sense, but in the run away from everything that is uncomfortable sense, God knew better than to tell me what was coming. I feel as if I was sleep-walking into Italy with my eyes closed being guided solely by Him, and awoke to find uncertainty, unknown, uneasiness, and every other “un” word out there. Yet into this gap of uncharted territory, God spoke.

He spoke.

I heard because I could finally listen without distraction.

When God says He wants all of us, don’t be surprised when He manages to get you all to Himself.  God spoke truth, “I will lead you to the wilderness.” Yes, yes I would say this is most definitely a wilderness. A beautiful wilderness rooted in rich history, and just as the trees in the far-most corners of a wilderness, these roads I walk have thousands of years of stories to tell. People we read about in the Bible and history books lived and died in this very city. This city is my miracle in the wilderness.

We trust in faith the miracles that we plan for, but where is our trust in the miracles we don’t plan? We believe God to give us immeasurably more in the measured out details we have planned for ourselves. But when God gives us more than we can measure, how do we handle it? So often, we reject it because we are incapable of trusting beyond limitations. If we allow this fear to debilitate our walk, we are just a body stumbling through life.

What if Paul, who was miraculously called by God to preach this good news, was too afraid or limited God on how he trusted Him? I am certain I would not have been standing in his Basilica looking at his grave.

World changers don’t conform, they reform.

Paul, in chains wrote, “Now to HIM who is ABLE to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine.” I don’t believe that Paul would have expected to be in prison for much of him ministry, but He didn’t question God’s purpose. Why? I believe Paul knew that no matter the prison or chains He was held in, God holds no limitations.  I don’t think we expect to be in chains for the gospel when we ask God to give us immeasurably more, but what if He does? What if His immeasurably more looks immeasurably less by the world’s standards? What if our bank account holds less than the average person? What if the life we planned when we were 15 looks completely different now that we are in our 20’s? God has taken so many things away, to make me understand the beauty of traveling light. We may not have much, but that gives us the freedom to open our hands and hold out our cup for God to overflow with His spirit. He yearns for our whole self; He walks us steady on the path of complete dependence. Free of burden, sinking in grace, He calls us to live lives that don’t waver in adversity.

God spoke, “I will lead you to the wilderness” but He didn’t stop there. He continued with “and speak tenderly to you.” “I will refine you in the fire.” This two-month trail is the beginning of something still unknown to me. There is pruning, and fire, and wilderness, yet there is Jesus. I may not know what I have gotten myself into, but I have never been more confident of the strength of my Savior.

So, two months in…I know so little, yet the borders of my trust and the walls around my heart have slowly begun to fade.